How Lucky I am.

Happy New Year. I’m really hoping that this year will be filled with much more joy, positivity and happy memories.

I certainly feel rather proud of myself this week. I feel that I’ve really took some big steps forwards in terms of being Jack’s mum. I feel in many ways, I’ve been struggling with bonding, especially in the early months of Jack being born. I struggled to accept and come to terms of our new ‘normal’ life. It was difficult to understand what our life would look like when we returned home from London. I won’t go into too much detail about the our bonding journey as I will save that for a series of posts I will be uploading very soon.

This week I’ve felt more like Jack’s mum than ever before. We’ve cuddled, he’s fell asleep whilst cuddling me, I’ve read him stories and sang songs to him. I feel like this week has been a turning point, I’ve allowed myself to see what the medical stuff for what it really is, JUST medical stuff. I’ve been changing the way I’ve been interacting with Jack and talking to him about the things I’m doing, whether thats tracheostomy tape changes, drawing medication up or just changing his nappy. I’ve allowed myself to communicate with him as his mum through not only the normal baby stuff but all the medical stuff we have to do throughout our day.

Jack will be 7 months old next week and I feel like this week for the first time, I’ve realised just how much I love and care for him. When he is sat in his chair having his feed and I look over at him and he smiles. I realise just how lucky I am to be his mummy.

Much love,
Hannah x

Welcome Baby Jack.

Time stood still the evening of the 4th June after arriving back from theatre. My midwife helped me to express colostrum once I had eaten. I was very keen to get started! I felt as though a lot of the decisions and choices were taken away from me during pregnancy because I was high risk. Expressing milk was something that was within my control so I was extremely determined to get started right away. I managed to express two 1ml syringes of colostrum which I was so proud of myself for being able to do! Especially on the first night too!

After some time my midwife asked if I wanted to attempt to get into a wheelchair. With some help from the midwife and Josh, I just about managed it! I was wheeled down to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I had done extensive research of what NICU’s look like. I knew there would be lots of equipment and machines. A few weeks previously, I had spoken to friends on Instagram and looked up some pictures of different NICU’s to see exactly what our situation would look like. Looking back on it now, there is no amount of research that can prepare you for how you will feel when you enter an intensive care unit. Even now, my body shivers and I feel uncomfortable thinking back to that first moment I entered the unit.

I sanitised my hands once we had entered. The corridors all looked the same. I went through two sets of double doors and down fairly long corridor in between each of them. The midwife stopped outside of “room 3”. My hands were tingling, I was anxious and scared. The unit was dimly lit. A doctor came out to speak to me and she told me that Jack was in that room and I could go in once I was ready. I didn’t feel ready. I felt overwhelmed, nauseous and scared. Once I had composed myself, I was taken in. There were 4 cot spaces. 3 of the babies were in closed incubators and the other baby was in an open incubator. The room was fairly dark and was mostly lit by the lights from the machines. There were so many beeping sounds from all of the different machines. When I think about it now, I can still hear the sounds. I was taken over to the baby that was in an open incubator. There was a bright light shining down onto him.

The nurse introduced herself to me. Lets call her C. My midwife left and told me to ask the nurse to call her when I wanted to be taken back up. C seemed to be friendly and she answered all of my questions. Having met her since that night, she has become one of my favourite nurses that Jack had whilst in the ITU. I peered over the top of the sides to see Jack. I was told that he was sedated so he wouldn’t wake up. He was having 50% oxygen through a ventilator. The ventilator was attached to a breathing tube down his throat. Being sedated meant that he couldn’t pull these tubes out. We would later find out just how difficult it was to stabilise him. We would also find out what happened once he had left theatre in St Thomas’ and was taken across to a operating theatre in Evelina but I will save that for a different post.

Writing this now nearly two months on makes me feel quite teary and emotional. I remember feeling so scared seeing Jack like this. I was in shock. As you can see from the picture he had a cannula in his right hand and right foot. In the coming weeks he would go on to have additional cannulas put in his left hand and a long line in his left leg. As well as numerous other things.

I sat next to him for about 2 hours, I just stared. I didn’t touch him. I just sat and watched. I was too scared to do anything other than that. C came over and encouraged me to hold his hand. Initially I really didn’t want to, I cried and told her that I felt scared anxious. She helped and encouraged me. By the time I had left the room that night, I had held his tiny hand with my fingers. It was the most surreal and unnatural thing ever. I felt torn, I didn’t yet feel like a mum.

-Hannah x

My Birth Story.

A month ago, our little pickle, Jack made his entrance into this world. (4th June 2020) What a whirlwind this month has been! If you’ve been following me for a while you will know that I had a very complicated pregnancy.

In my last post I talked about how stressful and overwhelming the pregnancy had been. We had been transferred to St Thomas’ in London to deliver baby Jack. They originally booked me in for an elective c-section on the 5th June. After having an additional scan they moved the date forward to the 2nd June but for an induction, not a section. Our consultant thought we would have a good chance of delivering naturally as Jack was still head down. Plus a natural delivery had many benefits for both myself and Jack. All we had to do now was wait on a phone call to say that there was a cot available in NICU so we could make our way to London. Around 11am we received a phone call to say that there wasn’t a cot available that day. We were devastated. We did however end up making our way up to London that day to stay in the accommodation they had booked for us. We stayed there until a cot became available.

It was a long 2 days of waiting, during which I had blood tests, a swab for Covid 19 and a 3D scan. Finally around midday on Thursday 4th June, the hospital rang to say that there was a cot available and ready! I was so nervous! I made my way over to the birthing suite. I had a private room with a lovely view of the London Eye. The midwife and I had a quick chat whilst she put monitors on me to monitor myself and Jack. Now all I had to do was wait for the monitoring to be complete and for the doctor to come around and see me. Originally they wanted to do a balloon induction for 12 hours which would dilate my cervix enough for them to slowly break and drain my waters in theatre. They would only go down this route if Jack was still head down.

Of course, he had decided to move. Jack made the decision for everyone! The doctor then told me that I would be going to theatre in 2 hours for a c-section. I quickly called Josh and asked him to come across to the birthing suite. We were in shock. We went from thinking we were going to be meeting Jack in the next 24 hours to he will be here in about 2 hours time! The next 8 hours are a bit of a blur in all honesty.

I was emotional for a couple of reasons, firstly, I really wanted to give natural labour a fair shot. Secondly, I just couldn’t believe that it was time to meet Jack. In a weird way, I didn’t feel ready. The next two hours went by so quickly, the midwife fitted a cannula, I took tablets to reduce the acid in my stomach, I got gowned up and before I knew it, I was walking down to theatre. It was 5pm when I got into theatre.

I felt as though I was shaking when I got sat on the bed, the bed that quite honesty looked lost in the theatre. I spoke briefly to the anaesthetists and the surgeon. They administered the two spinal injections. I’ve never felt anything like it. I slowly lost feeling in my legs and then my stomach. It was the most surreal feeling ever! They did some checks to see if I had any feeling. Before I knew it, the drape was up. I just looked at Josh. We talked amongst ourselves which kept me very relaxed.

“This is the tugging sensation I was telling you about” the midwife said to me. Then it hit me, they’ve already started. They didn’t tell me they had even begun! I’m so glad they didn’t to be honest. A bit of tugging and then he was here! They dropped the drape slightly. The cord was around Jack’s neck so they only lifted him briefly, but certainly enough time for me to think “Wow he has a lot of hair!”

I couldn’t see much else for a while and this is where the rest gets really hazy. They took Jack straight over to the incubator. The midwife took Josh’s phone over to try and get some pictures. We could hear the small sounds of Jack crying in the background. It made me so emotional! I remember thinking, he must be so small as they are tiny tiny little cries. I asked Josh what was going on and he said that he couldn’t see as there were that many doctors. After a while the surgeon had finished stitching me up. I forgot they were even finishing up with me as I was so focused on getting information about Jack. The surgeon told me she was done and that the procedure went well. They removed the drape and I could see amount of people in the room. I was so shocked and overwhelmed. The room I thought was huge with a tiny operating bed in the middle of it was suddenly full of teams of doctors, specialists and equipment all working on getting a breathing tube into Jack’s airway. It felt like a lifetime of waiting and looking in anticipation. As I looked across I kept getting glimpses of Jack. I could see his little arms in the air. I could see one of the doctors manually puffing air into him using a tube. It seemed that it wasn’t working. Then I could see them place a tiny mask over his face. Then we waited.

One of the doctors came over and explained that they needed to take him over to Evelina Children’s hospital which was next to St Thomas’. They asked if I wanted Josh to stay with me or go down with Jack. We decided that Josh would go with Jack to theatre. The doctors placed Jack into a massive travel incubator. They stopped passed me for a couple of minutes before they took him. I placed my hand in the incubator and felt his tiny cheeks with my fingertips. It was truly a special moment and one I will never forget.

I left the theatre crying, no longer pregnant but not with my baby either. We were in there that long I had almost full feeling back in my legs. Thus started what I now know has been what I can only describe as the most turbulent and emotional month of my life so far.

-Hannah x

We Are Packed!

Well, what a whirlwind this pregnancy has been! If you’ve been following over on my Instagram you will have seen the troubles and stresses we’ve been facing over the past 24 weeks.

As I’m writing this, I’m currently 36 weeks + 3 days pregnant! In many ways I feel like this pregnancy has gone super quick. It has been a struggle though! Before getting pregnant I had this idea of what being pregnant would look like for me, and this has just been so far from it. I have never felt so stressed, on edge and helpless. Everything has been completely out my control. It’s just been one thing after another and now I finally feel like the end is in sight.

I’m booked in for an elective c-section on the 5th June at St. Thomas’ Hospital in London.

I’m incredibly nervous…

This isn’t our original chosen hospital but we’ve been transferred there because of the possible problems that Baby J is facing. He is looking to spent some time in NICU and will be assessed by a ENT team and a Cleft Team straight after birth. We’ve been reassured that this is the best hospital in the UK for him. It’s all just a bit scary not knowing whether or not your baby will be able to breathe. It makes me incredibly emotional thinking about it.

I would say that over the past week is the first time since the beginning of the pregnancy that I have felt excited to meet him. I know this sounds horrible but I feel like we have spent the entire pregnancy receiving bad news, test results and waiting on phone calls. I’ve become so numb. I’ve not wanted to get my hopes up just in case. I didn’t want to face getting any more bad news.

We’ve spent the past 4 weeks packing and re-packing the hospital bag. At first I packed as though Baby J and I would be in the hospital for a couple of days. Then we were told that he would probably be in NICU so I wouldn’t need to pack anything for him and that I would only need things for myself. Josh wouldn’t be able to stay either because of the current Covid 19 situation. Then it went from that to I would be having a c-section so pack more things for myself as I will be in for a few days.

Then from that (to be quite honest, I had had enough of packing) we were told that I would now be traveling to London to deliver baby. So we went from having just a small bag and a shoulder bag to having 2 cases, a bag for Baby J to leave with the midwives, a shoulder bag and an extra backpack with dried food and drinks. It’s safe to say that we feel like we are going to be moving into the hospital for a while. We will be staying in some accommodation opposite the hospital whilst Baby J is in NICU.

We have packed a couple of books, a Winnie The Pooh blanket and a little teddy.

Just 10 days left till we meet our little boy and we can’t wait! ❤

Much love,
Hannah x

P.S. I am writing a book where I have documented my pregnancy much more closely so hopefully one day I will be able to get that published.

5 Ways To Stay Positive.

With the end of April approaching, 2020 is resembling something like a nightmare, it’s been such a uncertain time for everyone. Since the outbreak of Covid 19, I’ve found myself more anxious than ever before.

I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby and if that wasn’t enough stress as it was, the virus outbreak has added nothing but pressure, more uncertainty and heaps of anxiety. I’ve been finding it incredibly difficult to stay positive and focused. I’ve allowed myself to spiral into obsessive habits and negative thinking, I’m sure that I’m not the only one?

I think that this coming week will mean that I will be going into my 7th week of full lockdown. I feel that I have to admit that each day that has gone by I’ve been an anxious mess. I’m constantly on alert to whether I have symptoms of the virus, I’ve not been able to sleep because of the fear of not being able to breathe. Every niggle, every scratch in my throat, every hot flush (oh pregnancy!) has had my mind working overdrive thinking that I’m going to get ill.

Things hit breaking point last week and as I was discussing over the phone with my counsellor.

This needs to stop!

So over the past week I’ve compiled a list of 5 things (5 seemed like a manageable and achievable amount) that will help myself and hopefully you too, to stay positive during this incredibly uncertain and stressful time.

  1. Journal
    Lets start with journaling… It’s always something I’ve found extremely therapeutic and helpful. Theres just something about getting your thoughts out of your mind and on to paper. I really feel like it clears my mind and allows me to focus more clearly on being present during other parts of my life.
  2. Yoga/Meditation
    Although, I will be honest, yoga is a bit of a struggle now that I’m pregnant, I do try to do some basic stretches to ease some of the back pain I’ve been getting! I like to conclude each yoga (or stretching session) with a short meditation practice. Like journaling, meditation also helps to clear my mind.
    (I’m a massive fan of the CALM app. It’s so easy to use! I’ve tried lots of different apps but I always find myself coming back to that one)
  3. Go for a daily walk
    Of course (with the virus outbreak each countries rules are different) but for us in the UK we are allowed 1, 1 hour walk a day. Up till the other day we hadn’t been going for walks. We had just been sitting in our back garden and the only time that either of us went out was if I needed to go to a hospital appointment or Josh needed to go shopping. Other than that, we haven’t been leaving the house. We made the decision this week to start going for short walks for a couple of reasons, the first being, it’s good to exercise and can be more damaging to your physical and mental health than you realise by not going. The second, I was getting more and more achy from being pregnant and not being able to stretch and walk to ease those pains.
    So yes, if you can, I would truly recommend a short walk around your local area. Just ensure you adhere to your countries rules and social distancing lockdown procedures.
  4. Read
    Now if you follow me over on my Instagram you will know that each year I set myself a challenge of reading 12 books a year. I didn’t quite meet my goal last year (I’m not quite sure what happened) but this year I’m right on track, I’m ahead in fact! Reading can be an amazing escapism and a great way to expand your imagination and knowledge. Having a reading goal might also be a great way to keep you motivated during this time!
  5. Learn something new
    A bit like reading, I love setting myself new challenges. Learning something new or acquiring a new skill makes me feel so good about myself. It also increases how productive I feel and is such a good focus. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has a list of things they want to do or learn but because life and work gets in the way I never seem to find time to make a start on them. Now is my chance!

I’m interested in the ways in which you’ve been finding positive things to do during this time. I would love to know what you’ve been up to. 💙

Stay safe,

H x

It’s A Boy!

So yeah as you can probably already see from the title. We are having a baby boy ❤

It’s been one hell of a rough pregnancy so far. We’ve had a fair few complications for the mere 23 weeks and 5 days that I am. From being told that I have low hormone levels, extra scans and appointments, an amniocentesis, and recently being told I might have to deliver baby as early as 32 weeks. It’s safe to say that I am well and truly stressed! As I’m writing this, baby is kicking away as he has done on and off all day. Honestly, it’s the best feeling ever. ❤

When we first started talking about starting to try for a baby. I cut down on the amount of alcohol I would drink (not that it was a lot anyway) I cut down on coffee (this was a challenge and a half) I started eating better and exercising more regularly. I took pre-conception tablets. I literally did everything I could think of to better our chances of getting pregnant. Once we found out in early October that we were indeed pregnant, I continued to nurture and love my body as much as possible. I would like to add, not that I regret any of this. BUT, I can’t help but feel a bit devastated that I’m having quite so many complications, even after doing everything to make the pregnancy go well. I kind of have this element of guilt, like it’s my fault, like it’s my body thats failing. I know it’s not, everyone keeps telling me that it’s just how it is and there is nothing I could have done to prevent these problems. I guess I feel responsible as it’s my job to grow a healthy baby.

The hospital will be closely monitoring myself and baby. My next scan is in 3 weeks so I’m hoping that baby grows on schedule. I’m just trying to stay focused and positive. Everything is just so uncertain at the minute and I’m finding that hard to deal with. I feel like I can’t focus on anything else. Right now, nothing else matters as much as bringing our little baby into this world safely.

But you know what, despite the stress, the heartache and the uncertainty, I can’t wait to meet our little boy. We are going to love him so much!

Much love, Hannah x

How I Really Feel Being Pregnant.

I’ll be honest I’ve been struggling to put this post into words. Feeling confident within myself before getting pregnant was difficult. Now that I am pregnant, I feel as though my body confidence changes quite drastically day to day.

On Friday it was Valentines Day, Josh made plans for us to have a three course dinner at a local restaurant that I’ve really wanted to go to for a while. I got dressed up, put some makeup on and I was amazed at just how confident that made me feel.

I feel like I’ve waited for the best part of a month for this “pregnancy glow” and energy that everyone talks about. I definitely feel as though I have more energy than I did during the first trimester though. (Thank goodness for that!)

I’ve been feeling as though I’m not as happy as I should be during this pregnancy. I feel guilty for not enjoying it as much as I think I should be. In my mind I should be ecstatic about the new chapter ahead. I should love my body unconditionally for the incredible thing that it’s doing. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed about the prospect of becoming a mum. It’s a scary concept! I’m learning to accept these feelings of uncertainty as normal. I’m learning to understand that it is a scary but exciting new chapter of my life. I’m currently waiting on therapy to help with these thoughts.

If you’ve followed me for a while or you know me personally, you’ll know that I’ve struggled with my mental health for a large majority of my life. Before getting pregnant I decided that I would stop taking the anti-depressants that I had been taking for about 2 and a half years. I worked alongside my doctor for 6 months to do this safely. I’m so proud of myself for getting to a place where I didn’t need them anymore. I’ve had a lot of therapy in the past, and that really helped me too.

Getting pregnant happened very quickly for us which I feel so blessed about. During the first trimester my emotions were like a rollercoaster. Although I have to admit that my hormones have calmed down a bit I have been having days (mostly moments) where I just cry or I get so overwhelmed. I’m told by my midwife that it’s normal?

I feel as though people don’t talk much about how pregnancy affects their mental health as they’re afraid of being judged or that people will think they won’t be able to cope when the baby gets here. For me, although I do share those fears too. I’m really looking forward to baby’s arrival and I’m so excited to become a mum. There are however moments that are overshadowed by my mental health, and the doubts and fears that I have in my mind. Because I’ve struggled with my mental health in the past, those fears and doubts are somewhat exaggerated and overwhelming to deal with. But I think that it’s vital to establish that having mental health problems does no way determine the type of person or parent you will become.

I struggle with my mental health and whilst being pregnant I’m almost vulnerable to having more intense feelings about how I’m coping, but thats okay. It’s so important to reach out and ask for help. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it certainly doesn’t make you a bad mum.

I hope to talk more about my mental health during this pregnancy and I would encourage others to do so too. ❤

Thank you for reading,

Hannah x

We’re Halfway There.

We are officially halfway through now. These first 20 weeks have flown by and everyday that goes by makes me more and more excited to meet our little one. ❤

We have been making lots of preparations for baby’s arrival so I will definitely be uploading a nursery tour.

The first trimester was pretty tough for me emotionally and physically. I was one of the lucky ones and was never physically sick but the nausea was unbearable at times, especially when at work. I suffered mostly with fatigue, mood swings and food aversions. Fatigue meant that when I wasn’t at work, I was mostly likely at home and in bed. Getting through my shifts at work were a struggle I tell you that! I’ve always struggled with mood swings but the ones I experienced in the first 14 weeks were exhausting for both myself and my partner. (Bless him, he’s put up with a lot so far)

  • Food aversions were mostly any hot food. I could only eat very little and often and it had to be cold savoury foods. I would often cook my dinner and wait for it to be cold before eating. Or I would live on plain breadsticks and plain crackers.
  • Food cravings: I didn’t have any weird or strange cravings like sponges or dirt. I did however start to crave cheese, (which is odd because I don’t like cheese) chocolate milk, cereal and watermelon. I think thats about it…

I’m feeling regular movements from baby and I just can’t wait for the day that Josh can feel them too. Going to work has proven to be a bit difficult, I’m trying to take it one day at a time though. Being on my feet all day means I’ve been experiencing some cramping and I’m left feeling utterly exhausted by the end of the shift. My midwife keeps reminding me to take it easy and have plenty of sit downs.

Yoga has helped dramatically with my lower back pain so I will definitely be keeping that up! I used to attend a yoga class at my local gym, I’m thinking about going back and attending again very soon. I’ve also been reading a lot about hypnobirthing, it really intrigues me so I will be giving that a go too.

I’m trying to treasure all of the moments that I have for myself because when little one comes along all of my time and energy will be going into looking after them. So for now, lots of lazy evenings, long bath times and casually reading my favourite books.

Thats it for now! I will be sharing my pregnancy essentials in my next post so keep your eyes out for that!

Hope you’re all doing well.

Hannah x

I’m Pregnant

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written a post on here, I’ve really missed it! A lot has happened:
– I’ve changed jobs, (yes, again!)
– Josh and I decided that we would try for a baby.
– Josh and I found out we were pregnant in October.
– In November we moved out of our small 1 bedroom apartment to a beautiful house.
– We spent Christmas in our new home.

I’ve decided that I want to re-start blogging again. I’m kinda anxious about getting back into it but I’m sure I will feel right at home in no time.

So tell me, what type of content would you like to see from me?

Be sure to follow me over on Instagram too:

Talk soon,
Hannah x

It’s Been Quite A While.

Well hello there, it’s been such a long time since I’ve uploaded onto this blog. There are many reasons why I haven’t, the main one being, life has just kinda been a bit crazy!

A few weeks ago I started a new job and I’m loving it so far! The staff are so lovely and they really have made me feel part of the team.

I can’t believe that it’s almost September! Where is this year going?

I had a lot of fears and anxiety about uploading on here again. After giving it much thought I just figured that I didn’t really have anything to loose. Besides, I really miss my rambling thoughts!

Tomorrow marks a pretty big day for me. It’s the day that I’ve been waiting for for a good 2 and a half years, maybe a little longer than that now that I think about it. It’s the last day that I will spend on anti-depressants. I will be 100% medication free! I cannot believe how much my life has changed. Of course I still have bad days, and I still find myself rattled with anxiety. But for the most part, life is great! It’s been an uphill battle but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’ve started going to the gym more too. It’s doing wonders for my self-confidence! I’m also doing tons of reading. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama, she’s such an inspiration! OH and also, I don’t know how I could possibly forget this! My sister has moved down to Kent. How amazing is that? I’ve been loving spending more and more time with her.

So that kind of sums up what I’ve been up to.

What have you guys been up to? I would love to hear all about it.

-Hannah x