Going and telling a complete stranger that something is wrong is no easy task. It takes courage, strength and confidence.
All of which in recent months I have been struggling with.
Yesterday was my first day back at my original store. I was really anxious. I got changed into my uniform and my anxiety was sky high. What if someone asks me about what I did to my arm? I had prepared an excuse. I practiced it in the mirror for the past 5 days. I was as ready as I would ever be.
I kept telling myself that it would be okay and all I had to do was get through these next few hours. I needed to put on a smile and it would soon be over.
I left work early and I made my way to my doctors appointment. I had prepared a solid list of the things that I wanted to discuss. This appointment was incredibly important.
I got sat down. The doctor asked how I was. My immediate response was “yeah, I’m good thank you. How are you?” As soon as the words left my mouth I corrected myself. “Actually no, I’m not okay. Things are really bad. But it’s difficult to talk about. I have a list.”
We continued talking. Long story short, I will continue taking my current medication. She has referred me a to a psychiatrist. So now I’m waiting. She checked the SH on my arms, it’s all okay. Not infected.
I’m feeling rather positive. Today I worked up the courage to film a video for mental health awareness week. I’m really nervous about uploading it. But I’m proud of myself for getting up and telling my story.
I hope you’re having a great week so far. ❤
Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm.
I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.
But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel.
Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.
I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.
But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.
The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.
I want everything to be okay.
To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.
As always, thank you for reading ❤
This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.
There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.
Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.
Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤
The cynical part of me thinks “I really don’t have any talents”, do I?
But the honest and positive part of me, and the part of me that wants to like myself more says “I do have some talents”. I’m very good at organisation and problem solving.
I am really grateful that I have this talent as it’s also something I really enjoy.
What talents do you have?
It’s Monday, my favourite day of the week. A day for new beginnings. Maybe a new outfit, or two. Maybe a new makeup style, or hair do. Today I wanted to share kind of a different post with you. (I hope that’s okay) I mean, I’ve posted a couple of these types of posts in the past and I really enjoy writing them.
So today I present you with an England (because England is mostly cold) spring edition of GRWM. I hope you enjoy.
I love wearing dungarees. They are so summery and comfortable.
I tend to feel quite self conscious about my body. But I hope by posting these types of posts I can learn to accept my body for how it is.
This spring I’m wanting to try wearing different types of clothes. I’m wanting to try different makeup styles.
For this look I have used the Urban Decays Naked 2 Basic Palette. I think I bought this for about £24.
I have used the colour ‘frisk’ all over my eyelid.
‘Primal’ in the crease.
I then took the darkest colour ‘undone’ and used it as a eyeliner and just lined the top lash line.
I then used the colour ‘stark’ and placed that in the inner section of my eye. I blended all the colours together so there is a nice transition between the colours.
Finally I took the colour ‘skimp’ and used it to highlight my brow bone.
I’ve had this palette for about 2 months now. I am IN LOVE with it. This is the palette I use to do my everyday makeup. I look the looks that you can create with it.
As always, thank you for reading. ❤
What is your favourite outfit to wear in Spring?
When I first thought about what I would write about for this post, I was going to write about how I was brave and moved to South Korea by myself. Of course that was such a great thing that I did and experienced. However, recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about some of the other challenges that I’ve overcome.
When I went to the shop with my parents last week I was quite anxious. I thought to myself, “this is strange, why am I anxious?” It’s strange because I haven’t felt anxious going into a shop for a good few years now.
When I was at University I couldn’t bare to go into a shop alone. The thought of going caused that much anxiety and panic that I would end up having a panic attack and talking myself out of going all together. It got to the point, where I would visit my parent’s house for the weekend (every weekend) and I would ask them to take me to the shop. I would do my shopping with them, then I would bring it back on the train. It was such a hassle now that I think back to it.
But now, I manage to go by myself and feel completely fine. I mean, of course I still sometimes have those anxious days, but they’re not as bad. I go to the shop weekly to get food for meal prepping.
This is such a significant challenge that I’ve overcome and I have forgotten to congratulate myself for overcoming it.
I’m really proud of myself for overcoming something that I used to find such a struggle.
What challenges have you overcome? ❤
The past week has been awful. I haven’t been eating properly, and I know this is why I feel exhausted and have excruciating headaches. But I still can’t bring myself to eat. I’m still punishing myself.
It seems to be a pattern of mine, no eating, sleeping and self harm are all the things I do when I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, or my thoughts.
I miss therapy. Is that an okay thing to say? Without it I feel like I have no direction. I can’t seem to ‘step up’ and take charge of my own life. I’m 23, and where I am now is not where I saw my life going. Come September, I graduated from University 3 years ago. By now, I wanted to be working my way up in the media industry and maybe living in London. Instead, I’m working a shitty 9-5 job, still living at home and struggling to keep my moods level and deciding if I can bring myself to eat that day.
Part of me understands that this is the depression speaking. But another part of me thinks that, I don’t know if I can go on living like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I have a list of things and people, (which I keep next to my bed) this is enough to make myself feel guilty about leaving them behind.
Today I saw a doctor, and quite honestly, it was not the outcome I wanted. I’m really struggling. But I feel that the doctor didn’t quite understand how much. I took a list, as I knew how hard it would be for me to express my thoughts. What I took from that appointment was an upped medication prescription and a phone number for the rapid response team, just in case I’m feeling really down. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, so I think I’m going to rebook and see a different doctor, maybe the one that I normally see.
It’s gone 8pm here. I’m going to try and force myself to eat something. Then answer the messages from people I’ve neglected to get back to. (sorry again) Then I’m going to work out how make some small, but positive changes to my life tomorrow. I refuse to feel this shit tomorrow.
Thank you for reading. I hope you’re having a good day. ❤
Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*
A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.
When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.
He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.
But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.
I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.
I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.
He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.
But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.
I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.
In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.
He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.
So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.
I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart.
I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.
I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.
Is that too much to ask for?
I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.” ❤
*** Trigger Warning ***
I’m going to be talking about a very different topic today. If you are sensitive or easily triggered then I suggest that you view this post with caution.
It’s hard to predict how recovery will progress. Everyone recovers in their own way and at different speeds.
The road to recovery is not a simple one and there certainly isn’t a time limit. Sometimes I think to myself I started having my second course of CBT last November and I finished the sessions a few weeks ago, so why am I not ‘better’. Whatever ‘better’ means. People call me normal. What does that mean? I worry excessively, is that normal? I stop myself from eating to punish myself, is that normal? I panic when I feel out of control of my own life, is that normal? I feel like I cannot get through the day without having an hour by hour structured plan, is that also considered as normal?
Because, I feel far from normal.
I stopped myself from blogging about this so many times. I’m afraid what people will think. I’m scared to be honest. People look at me and say, you look much happier than you did before. Do I? Are you sure? Because I feel no different!
I’ve always struggled with self harm. I gives me a kind of release that is difficult to describe. Before this week, I had gone 6 months without it. I was so proud of myself. I have had a stressful couple of weeks, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I feel so guilty and angry at myself. How could I do something so stupid?
And when people ask if I’m okay, I answer with a simple, yes. But, I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay last week. I wasn’t okay yesterday and I’m not okay today. This is the lowest I’ve felt in a few months.
Today I wanted to blog about something positive. But the truth is, I don’t feel positive right now. I am not sleeping great. I feel exhausted. I’m not eating much. I feel really fat. I haven’t been to the gym. I’ve not been reading. I have no motivation. Everything is a little bit of a mess.
What I’m coming to realise is that recovery isn’t just a straight line, there are ups and downs. Some weeks are better than others. Some days, life just makes you want to sit and cry. Today is one of those days.
What I’m told is that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I shouldn’t blame myself. Right now, I don’t believe that at all. I hate myself. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel like this. But I have to believe and trust the people that are telling me those things. I have to trust that they care about me.
Today is not a good day. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. Maybe it will be better, I will have to wait and see.
I think some major self care is needed this evening. Maybe a bath and a face mask.
All I can say is, I’m so truly grateful to the people that I have in my life. I’m so grateful for the messages asking how I am. I’m so grateful for the chats. I really am. ❤
P.S. I would love to hear your recovery story.