We Are Packed!

Well, what a whirlwind this pregnancy has been! If you’ve been following over on my Instagram you will have seen the troubles and stresses we’ve been facing over the past 24 weeks.

As I’m writing this, I’m currently 36 weeks + 3 days pregnant! In many ways I feel like this pregnancy has gone super quick. It has been a struggle though! Before getting pregnant I had this idea of what being pregnant would look like for me, and this has just been so far from it. I have never felt so stressed, on edge and helpless. Everything has been completely out my control. It’s just been one thing after another and now I finally feel like the end is in sight.

I’m booked in for an elective c-section on the 5th June at St. Thomas’ Hospital in London.

I’m incredibly nervous…

This isn’t our original chosen hospital but we’ve been transferred there because of the possible problems that Baby J is facing. He is looking to spent some time in NICU and will be assessed by a ENT team and a Cleft Team straight after birth. We’ve been reassured that this is the best hospital in the UK for him. It’s all just a bit scary not knowing whether or not your baby will be able to breathe. It makes me incredibly emotional thinking about it.

I would say that over the past week is the first time since the beginning of the pregnancy that I have felt excited to meet him. I know this sounds horrible but I feel like we have spent the entire pregnancy receiving bad news, test results and waiting on phone calls. I’ve become so numb. I’ve not wanted to get my hopes up just in case. I didn’t want to face getting any more bad news.

We’ve spent the past 4 weeks packing and re-packing the hospital bag. At first I packed as though Baby J and I would be in the hospital for a couple of days. Then we were told that he would probably be in NICU so I wouldn’t need to pack anything for him and that I would only need things for myself. Josh wouldn’t be able to stay either because of the current Covid 19 situation. Then it went from that to I would be having a c-section so pack more things for myself as I will be in for a few days.

Then from that (to be quite honest, I had had enough of packing) we were told that I would now be traveling to London to deliver baby. So we went from having just a small bag and a shoulder bag to having 2 cases, a bag for Baby J to leave with the midwives, a shoulder bag and an extra backpack with dried food and drinks. It’s safe to say that we feel like we are going to be moving into the hospital for a while. We will be staying in some accommodation opposite the hospital whilst Baby J is in NICU.

We have packed a couple of books, a Winnie The Pooh blanket and a little teddy.

Just 10 days left till we meet our little boy and we can’t wait! ❤

Much love,
Hannah x

P.S. I am writing a book where I have documented my pregnancy much more closely so hopefully one day I will be able to get that published.

5 Ways To Stay Positive.

With the end of April approaching, 2020 is resembling something like a nightmare, it’s been such a uncertain time for everyone. Since the outbreak of Covid 19, I’ve found myself more anxious than ever before.

I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby and if that wasn’t enough stress as it was, the virus outbreak has added nothing but pressure, more uncertainty and heaps of anxiety. I’ve been finding it incredibly difficult to stay positive and focused. I’ve allowed myself to spiral into obsessive habits and negative thinking, I’m sure that I’m not the only one?

I think that this coming week will mean that I will be going into my 7th week of full lockdown. I feel that I have to admit that each day that has gone by I’ve been an anxious mess. I’m constantly on alert to whether I have symptoms of the virus, I’ve not been able to sleep because of the fear of not being able to breathe. Every niggle, every scratch in my throat, every hot flush (oh pregnancy!) has had my mind working overdrive thinking that I’m going to get ill.

Things hit breaking point last week and as I was discussing over the phone with my counsellor.

This needs to stop!

So over the past week I’ve compiled a list of 5 things (5 seemed like a manageable and achievable amount) that will help myself and hopefully you too, to stay positive during this incredibly uncertain and stressful time.

  1. Journal
    Lets start with journaling… It’s always something I’ve found extremely therapeutic and helpful. Theres just something about getting your thoughts out of your mind and on to paper. I really feel like it clears my mind and allows me to focus more clearly on being present during other parts of my life.
  2. Yoga/Meditation
    Although, I will be honest, yoga is a bit of a struggle now that I’m pregnant, I do try to do some basic stretches to ease some of the back pain I’ve been getting! I like to conclude each yoga (or stretching session) with a short meditation practice. Like journaling, meditation also helps to clear my mind.
    (I’m a massive fan of the CALM app. It’s so easy to use! I’ve tried lots of different apps but I always find myself coming back to that one)
  3. Go for a daily walk
    Of course (with the virus outbreak each countries rules are different) but for us in the UK we are allowed 1, 1 hour walk a day. Up till the other day we hadn’t been going for walks. We had just been sitting in our back garden and the only time that either of us went out was if I needed to go to a hospital appointment or Josh needed to go shopping. Other than that, we haven’t been leaving the house. We made the decision this week to start going for short walks for a couple of reasons, the first being, it’s good to exercise and can be more damaging to your physical and mental health than you realise by not going. The second, I was getting more and more achy from being pregnant and not being able to stretch and walk to ease those pains.
    So yes, if you can, I would truly recommend a short walk around your local area. Just ensure you adhere to your countries rules and social distancing lockdown procedures.
  4. Read
    Now if you follow me over on my Instagram you will know that each year I set myself a challenge of reading 12 books a year. I didn’t quite meet my goal last year (I’m not quite sure what happened) but this year I’m right on track, I’m ahead in fact! Reading can be an amazing escapism and a great way to expand your imagination and knowledge. Having a reading goal might also be a great way to keep you motivated during this time!
  5. Learn something new
    A bit like reading, I love setting myself new challenges. Learning something new or acquiring a new skill makes me feel so good about myself. It also increases how productive I feel and is such a good focus. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has a list of things they want to do or learn but because life and work gets in the way I never seem to find time to make a start on them. Now is my chance!

I’m interested in the ways in which you’ve been finding positive things to do during this time. I would love to know what you’ve been up to. 💙

Stay safe,

H x

It’s A Boy!

So yeah as you can probably already see from the title. We are having a baby boy ❤

It’s been one hell of a rough pregnancy so far. We’ve had a fair few complications for the mere 23 weeks and 5 days that I am. From being told that I have low hormone levels, extra scans and appointments, an amniocentesis, and recently being told I might have to deliver baby as early as 32 weeks. It’s safe to say that I am well and truly stressed! As I’m writing this, baby is kicking away as he has done on and off all day. Honestly, it’s the best feeling ever. ❤

When we first started talking about starting to try for a baby. I cut down on the amount of alcohol I would drink (not that it was a lot anyway) I cut down on coffee (this was a challenge and a half) I started eating better and exercising more regularly. I took pre-conception tablets. I literally did everything I could think of to better our chances of getting pregnant. Once we found out in early October that we were indeed pregnant, I continued to nurture and love my body as much as possible. I would like to add, not that I regret any of this. BUT, I can’t help but feel a bit devastated that I’m having quite so many complications, even after doing everything to make the pregnancy go well. I kind of have this element of guilt, like it’s my fault, like it’s my body thats failing. I know it’s not, everyone keeps telling me that it’s just how it is and there is nothing I could have done to prevent these problems. I guess I feel responsible as it’s my job to grow a healthy baby.

The hospital will be closely monitoring myself and baby. My next scan is in 3 weeks so I’m hoping that baby grows on schedule. I’m just trying to stay focused and positive. Everything is just so uncertain at the minute and I’m finding that hard to deal with. I feel like I can’t focus on anything else. Right now, nothing else matters as much as bringing our little baby into this world safely.

But you know what, despite the stress, the heartache and the uncertainty, I can’t wait to meet our little boy. We are going to love him so much!

Much love, Hannah x

How I Really Feel Being Pregnant.

I’ll be honest I’ve been struggling to put this post into words. Feeling confident within myself before getting pregnant was difficult. Now that I am pregnant, I feel as though my body confidence changes quite drastically day to day.

On Friday it was Valentines Day, Josh made plans for us to have a three course dinner at a local restaurant that I’ve really wanted to go to for a while. I got dressed up, put some makeup on and I was amazed at just how confident that made me feel.

I feel like I’ve waited for the best part of a month for this “pregnancy glow” and energy that everyone talks about. I definitely feel as though I have more energy than I did during the first trimester though. (Thank goodness for that!)

I’ve been feeling as though I’m not as happy as I should be during this pregnancy. I feel guilty for not enjoying it as much as I think I should be. In my mind I should be ecstatic about the new chapter ahead. I should love my body unconditionally for the incredible thing that it’s doing. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed about the prospect of becoming a mum. It’s a scary concept! I’m learning to accept these feelings of uncertainty as normal. I’m learning to understand that it is a scary but exciting new chapter of my life. I’m currently waiting on therapy to help with these thoughts.

If you’ve followed me for a while or you know me personally, you’ll know that I’ve struggled with my mental health for a large majority of my life. Before getting pregnant I decided that I would stop taking the anti-depressants that I had been taking for about 2 and a half years. I worked alongside my doctor for 6 months to do this safely. I’m so proud of myself for getting to a place where I didn’t need them anymore. I’ve had a lot of therapy in the past, and that really helped me too.

Getting pregnant happened very quickly for us which I feel so blessed about. During the first trimester my emotions were like a rollercoaster. Although I have to admit that my hormones have calmed down a bit I have been having days (mostly moments) where I just cry or I get so overwhelmed. I’m told by my midwife that it’s normal?

I feel as though people don’t talk much about how pregnancy affects their mental health as they’re afraid of being judged or that people will think they won’t be able to cope when the baby gets here. For me, although I do share those fears too. I’m really looking forward to baby’s arrival and I’m so excited to become a mum. There are however moments that are overshadowed by my mental health, and the doubts and fears that I have in my mind. Because I’ve struggled with my mental health in the past, those fears and doubts are somewhat exaggerated and overwhelming to deal with. But I think that it’s vital to establish that having mental health problems does no way determine the type of person or parent you will become.

I struggle with my mental health and whilst being pregnant I’m almost vulnerable to having more intense feelings about how I’m coping, but thats okay. It’s so important to reach out and ask for help. It doesn’t make you a bad person and it certainly doesn’t make you a bad mum.

I hope to talk more about my mental health during this pregnancy and I would encourage others to do so too. ❤

Thank you for reading,

Hannah x

We’re Halfway There.

We are officially halfway through now. These first 20 weeks have flown by and everyday that goes by makes me more and more excited to meet our little one. ❤

We have been making lots of preparations for baby’s arrival so I will definitely be uploading a nursery tour.

The first trimester was pretty tough for me emotionally and physically. I was one of the lucky ones and was never physically sick but the nausea was unbearable at times, especially when at work. I suffered mostly with fatigue, mood swings and food aversions. Fatigue meant that when I wasn’t at work, I was mostly likely at home and in bed. Getting through my shifts at work were a struggle I tell you that! I’ve always struggled with mood swings but the ones I experienced in the first 14 weeks were exhausting for both myself and my partner. (Bless him, he’s put up with a lot so far)

  • Food aversions were mostly any hot food. I could only eat very little and often and it had to be cold savoury foods. I would often cook my dinner and wait for it to be cold before eating. Or I would live on plain breadsticks and plain crackers.
  • Food cravings: I didn’t have any weird or strange cravings like sponges or dirt. I did however start to crave cheese, (which is odd because I don’t like cheese) chocolate milk, cereal and watermelon. I think thats about it…

I’m feeling regular movements from baby and I just can’t wait for the day that Josh can feel them too. Going to work has proven to be a bit difficult, I’m trying to take it one day at a time though. Being on my feet all day means I’ve been experiencing some cramping and I’m left feeling utterly exhausted by the end of the shift. My midwife keeps reminding me to take it easy and have plenty of sit downs.

Yoga has helped dramatically with my lower back pain so I will definitely be keeping that up! I used to attend a yoga class at my local gym, I’m thinking about going back and attending again very soon. I’ve also been reading a lot about hypnobirthing, it really intrigues me so I will be giving that a go too.

I’m trying to treasure all of the moments that I have for myself because when little one comes along all of my time and energy will be going into looking after them. So for now, lots of lazy evenings, long bath times and casually reading my favourite books.

Thats it for now! I will be sharing my pregnancy essentials in my next post so keep your eyes out for that!

Hope you’re all doing well.

Hannah x

I’m Pregnant

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written a post on here, I’ve really missed it! A lot has happened:
– I’ve changed jobs, (yes, again!)
– Josh and I decided that we would try for a baby.
– Josh and I found out we were pregnant in October.
– In November we moved out of our small 1 bedroom apartment to a beautiful house.
– We spent Christmas in our new home.

I’ve decided that I want to re-start blogging again. I’m kinda anxious about getting back into it but I’m sure I will feel right at home in no time.

So tell me, what type of content would you like to see from me?

Be sure to follow me over on Instagram too:
https://www.instagram.com/paint_me_a_smile_/

Talk soon,
Hannah x

It’s Been Quite A While.

Well hello there, it’s been such a long time since I’ve uploaded onto this blog. There are many reasons why I haven’t, the main one being, life has just kinda been a bit crazy!

A few weeks ago I started a new job and I’m loving it so far! The staff are so lovely and they really have made me feel part of the team.

I can’t believe that it’s almost September! Where is this year going?

I had a lot of fears and anxiety about uploading on here again. After giving it much thought I just figured that I didn’t really have anything to loose. Besides, I really miss my rambling thoughts!

Tomorrow marks a pretty big day for me. It’s the day that I’ve been waiting for for a good 2 and a half years, maybe a little longer than that now that I think about it. It’s the last day that I will spend on anti-depressants. I will be 100% medication free! I cannot believe how much my life has changed. Of course I still have bad days, and I still find myself rattled with anxiety. But for the most part, life is great! It’s been an uphill battle but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’ve started going to the gym more too. It’s doing wonders for my self-confidence! I’m also doing tons of reading. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama, she’s such an inspiration! OH and also, I don’t know how I could possibly forget this! My sister has moved down to Kent. How amazing is that? I’ve been loving spending more and more time with her.

So that kind of sums up what I’ve been up to.

What have you guys been up to? I would love to hear all about it.

-Hannah x

Foot Recovery.

Hello and welcome back to my blog.

On February the 19th I had an operation on my foot to remove a bunion that was causing me so much pain in and around my left foot.

After having a check up appointment this morning, the doctor is very happy with the amount that my foot has healed.

They did an xray on my foot. I was so shocked by how much you could see. They put three screws in my big toe to keep it straight. I’m so happy to have my foot back and not in pain. I have been cleared to go back to the gym. Apart from running I will be pretty much okay to do everything I would normally do, which is awesome.

So now that my foot is completely on the mend, I will be completing a fitness course that I have enrolled on. I will be putting together my fitness plan and diary. I can’t wait to share this part of my life with you.

I hope that you’re all having an amazing start to the week.

Much love,
Hannah x

Taming My Mind.

Dear Journal,

Its been such a long time since I’ve written in this section of the blog.

I guess in many ways I felt as though it was a bit redundant, irrelevant almost. Being in recovery brings thoughts and questions of “How on earth did I ever feel that low?!”

Over the past two months, I’ve been working closely with my therapist and my doctor to reduce my medication. There are a couple of reasons for this:

No.1: I don’t want to take medication anymore. I want to see how I can cope without it. I want to see how I am, unmediated.

No.2: the boyfriend and I have talked about trying for a baby towards the end of the year. There are too many risks during pregnancy being on these tablets. Plus, I want to breastfeed.

Anyway, back to the point, the medication has to be reduced twice more before I will be medication free. I’m told it will take another 3 months, which isn’t that long to be honest.

Recently, I have been struggling though. A lot more than I have done in the past year. Admittedly, there are many factors as to what is contributing to this. A couple of weeks ago I had an operation on my foot. I am unable to work. (Big big knockdown for me) and no gym. Also massive knockdown. I am stressed to the max.

Yesterday I admitted to my boyfriend that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. In that moment, I really did mean it. Although upon reflection, I know that’s not how i truly feel. I’m just struggling and drowning and I can’t seem to drag myself out of this pit that just seems to be getting deeper and deeper.

I know that its going to be okay. I know that when I look back at these past few days in a few months time I will congratulate myself for pushing through. I just know it! It’s just at this moment in time, I don’t see the light. It’s just dark.

But that’s okay.

Tomorrow, it’s a new day. New beginning. New things to achieve. And new goals to set.

Until then, enjoy the rest of your evening.

Much love,

Hannah x