*** TRIGGER WARNING***
Okay here goes, I’ve thought about writing about this for a while now. But, I’ve always stopped myself. I guess maybe I’m scared of the response this might get, or (most likely) what people will think of me.
When you’re dealing with stress, anxiety or depression, it’s exhausting. It’s like a constant uphill battle. Some days are better than others. And some days are just unbearable. This month I’ve been pretty level with my mood. For those of you who don’t know, I track my daily overall mood using a mood tracker. Green = good. Yellow = So-so. Red = bad. This month I’ve only had one red day, which is pretty good going. Well, up until today anyway.
Loving someone with depression and anxiety can be pretty tough also. What do you do when you receive those texts saying “I feel so down” or “I can’t do this anymore.” ??? It’s hard. What can you do? What is the ‘right’ thing to say? What is the ‘right’ thing to do?
The short answer is, there is no right thing to say or do. Just be there to listen.
Let me tell you about the past few days. I started feeling much better after my family came back. Read about last weekend here. I was feeling more relaxed and a little less anxious. I started eating again. But things have slowly been on a downward spiral.
Tuesday: I got discharged from CBT. Yay? Although, I’m scared that I will revert back to how I was, but I’m trying to stay positive. During my last session she told me that she was proud of how much progress I had made. We took a trip down memory lane a little.
When I first started seeing her (November 2016), I had just moved back from South Korea. In fact I had my first session the first week I got back, and I was still severely get lagged.
I had no job.
I was barely eating. The thought of eating made me feel sick. I was scared about putting more weight on. Even though I had lost so much already.
I didn’t exercise.
I didn’t leave the house. I was afraid something awful might happen. The thought of leaving the house triggered bad panic attacks, so I avoided it.
I didn’t speak to my friends. I closed myself off. I didn’t want to bother them with my problems.
I lost my confidence.
I stopped wearing makeup and doing girly things like painting my nails.
I literally did nothing. I wanted to run away. But, you can’t run away from yourself. I felt stuck. I was stuck with this person that I hated. I didn’t want to be me anymore. Why couldn’t I be someone who was so positive? Why couldn’t I be someone who just gets on with things? Why couldn’t I be a person who didn’t freak out every time something unexpected happened? In CBT I’ve been learning to love myself, or like myself more I guess. I’ve been learning to look after myself more. And, I’ve been learning how to relax. I overwork and I don’t take breaks, which leads to burning out. Something I know all too well. Now, I have nights where I watch Netflix and eat mini eggs (mostly guilt free) If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. 🙂
It’s not been an easy journey. I do have to work on it everyday. And somedays, I do just crawl into bed feeling exhausted.
I feel lucky that I had my friends and family around me. I don’t know what I would have done without them. But I also feel I should apologise to them. I spent two months crying everyday when I came back from Korea, they didn’t know what to do. They wanted to help, but what can you do for someone who can only help themselves?
Yesterday and today has been a rough couple of days. I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind is constantly worrying about whether people at work think I’m strange because I don’t really talk. Or that I freak out and get orders wrong when I’m feeling anxious. The truth is, I’ve got that many thoughts in my head about lots of different things, the last thing I want to do is talk and ‘put myself out there’ anymore than usual. Sometimes, just getting to work is an achievement in itself.
I went to the gym first thing yesterday morning. The workout did not go well at all. I just didn’t have the energy. Then I had plans with someone from work in the afternoon. I’m scared that they think I’m boring, as I barely spoke. Then after that I went into town and bought myself some new tops. A little retail therapy. But my mood was still sinking. I just wanted to cry and go to bed, so I went home. I skipped dinner, set my alarm and went straight to bed.
I woke up this morning in such bad mood. Work wasn’t bad. I got through it, that’s the main thing. I need to remember to always look at the positives!
Apologies to those people that I haven’t answered, I will reply to your e-mails, messages, tweets and texts just as soon as my mood has lifted. I really do appreciate all of the positive and supportive messages that you’ve all been sending me.
Whether it’s your friend, work colleague, boyfriend, girlfriend, mum, sister, loving someone with anxiety and depression can be stressful all round. It’s hard to know what to do or say. Let them know that they’re safe, and cared for. Let them know that they don’t need to feel insecure or lonely. Just be there when they need you.
I wish I could hug every single person who struggles with this, because it’s not easy. And it does make you just break down and cry. Hell, I cried all the way home from the gym and got into bed this afternoon, I felt so shit and upset. But it does pass, and tomorrow will be better.
As always, I’m here for anyone who wants to talk, vent or cry to. We are all in this together. ❤