The Road To Recovery.

*** Trigger Warning ***

KakaoTalk_Photo_2017-04-13-5-16-06 pm_17

I’m going to be talking about a very different topic today. If you are sensitive or easily triggered then I suggest that you view this post with caution.

It’s hard to predict how recovery will progress. Everyone recovers in their own way and at different speeds.

The road to recovery is not a simple one and there certainly isn’t a time limit. Sometimes I think to myself I started having my second course of CBT last November and I finished the sessions a few weeks ago, so why am I not ‘better’. Whatever ‘better’ means. People call me normal. What does that mean? I worry excessively, is that normal? I stop myself from eating to punish myself, is that normal? I panic when I feel out of control of my own life, is that normal? I feel like I cannot get through the day without having an hour by hour structured plan, is that also considered as normal?

Because, I feel far from normal.

I stopped myself from blogging about this so many times. I’m afraid what people will think. I’m scared to be honest. People look at me and say, you look much happier than you did beforeDo I? Are you sure? Because I feel no different!

I’ve always struggled with self harm. I gives me a kind of release that is difficult to describe. Before this week, I had gone 6 months without it. I was so proud of myself. I have had a stressful couple of weeks, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I feel so guilty and angry at myself. How could I do something so stupid?

And when people ask if I’m okay, I answer with a simple, yes. But, I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay last week. I wasn’t okay yesterday and I’m not okay today. This is the lowest I’ve felt in a few months.

Today I wanted to blog about something positive. But the truth is, I don’t feel positive right now. I am not sleeping great. I feel exhausted. I’m not eating much. I feel really fat. I haven’t been to the gym. I’ve not been reading. I have no motivation. Everything is a little bit of a mess.

What I’m coming to realise is that recovery isn’t just a straight line, there are ups and downs. Some weeks are better than others. Some days, life just makes you want to sit and cry. Today is one of those days. 

What I’m told is that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I shouldn’t blame myself. Right now, I don’t believe that at all. I hate myself. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel like this. But I have to believe and trust the people that are telling me those things. I have to trust that they care about me.

Today is not a good day. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. Maybe it will be better, I will have to wait and see.

I think some major self care is needed this evening. Maybe a bath and a face mask.

All I can say is, I’m so truly grateful to the people that I have in my life. I’m so grateful for the messages asking how I am. I’m so grateful for the chats. I really am. ❤


P.S. I would love to hear your recovery story.

4 thoughts on “The Road To Recovery.

  1. Sorry to hear things have been difficult for you recently 😦

    I think you’ve got the right attitude to it though. Try to keep things in perspective because, like you said, recovery isn’t a straight line and just because you feel worse today doesn’t mean you haven’t still made ALOT of progress over the last 6 months.

    Definitely be kind to yourself! x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so proud of you for posting this entry and not stopping yourself from doing so.
    It’s so important that you can express yourself here, in your blog, your space, without worrying what people will think. You cannot control what they do, but you can control what you express, and that’s your own right to say what you want here.

    This includes the fact that some days in our recovery are tough, and you can show the truth of that to those who had doubts or didn’t know – you win the self-expression, they the information.
    Further, it’s ok to tell people that you aren’t ok when you aren’t. Society has shunned us for far too long to the required ‘’I’m fine’’ to avoid private, honest and open hearted discussions. This participates in stigma, misunderstanding and we need to break these walls of silence and admit when we aren’t feeling well – but that we’re doing our best to change that, and please be patient with me today because I feel this way and am slower. (at least, this should be a goal to work towards).

    The end of one therapy isn’t necessarily a mark of ”everything is fine now” but rather, the end of the number of sessions you were allotted. Maybe at that point you were doing better indeed, just like you had said in another blog entry, but maybe the root issues haven’t been discussed and thus, you are still struggling.

    Either way, a therapy end isn’t synonymous with immediate results. Rather, it gives you more tools to analyze yourself, and you bring a baggage of coping mechanisms you learned during CBT. It may not have deal with everything that caused your depression, nor self-harm. It deals with what it could under the limitations of what CBT can do in your sessions. If you need more, you must explore other therapist’s help, because you deserve to better understand and to recover further – and heal enough so you can function in what would be ‘normal’, though that is a very subjective term.
    Normalcy is a world full of unique and different individuals isn’t a proper term, but rather the normalcy of being able to cope better with life’s events and difficulties – if that. I think normalcy is overrated, in other meanings.

    Please remember to be kinder to yourself at all times and to work on your overall mental health and well-being only with the premise of self-love, as wanting to recover, because self-hatred not only is unfounded but also slows you down and makes you struggle further – as you are also fighting yourself on top of all the rest, and that’s just not good for you.

    Self-loving is to admit that you need to work on your bar for high standards, to give yourself more realistic goals and not to beat yourself up and punish yourself further by not eating or sleeping or losing your self-worth in the process when you don’t meet the goal. You are only human and allowed to be late or to reach a portion of what you want to do in a day.

    Recovery isn’t a straight line of goalposts every x levels with score points & reloading screens. Recovery isn’t about immediate horrey life is great, but about the ascent of feeling better and better, overall, though some days are tough and in some, you won’t be able to reach any goal. But you must continue nonetheless to work on all of it and to be patient and kind to yourself as you would to your best friend.

    With much love, am sending you big hugs! Always here in DM as I’ve been lately.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand you a lot.
    I can relate to the being ‘normal’ in other people’s eyes.
    It’s so hard to explain to people that there is something wrong going on in your brain when you look ‘normal’.
    I can relate to everything you have written in your post and I hope you find the strength to recover and be truly happy.
    As I look at it, other people can never get into your brain and experience exactly what you are going through, so we are really left only with ourselves most of the time to deal with all our issues, of course other people play a role in recovery, too, but it is mostly up to us to face our emotions and fears and deal with them the best we can.
    I will definitely follow your blog 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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