By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*

A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.

When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.

He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.

But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.

I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.

I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.

He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.

But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.

I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.

In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.

He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.

So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.

I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart. 

I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.

I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.”

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17 thoughts on “By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

  1. What you’re asking for is NOT too much to ask, you deserve a teammate who will do everything you would do for them. I’m sorry for the heartbreak, those are never ideal, but just know that people are constantly growing, sometimes together but other times apart. It sounds like you and him were growing apart and you did what was best for you and for him. You’re strong, you got this(:

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was in a very similar relationship, it took me years to fully recover from and to find the person who makes me feel like the only girl in the world. It might not take you that long, it’s not too much to ask for, and you truly deserve the best. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for being so open and honest in your post. It was a really good read.

    I think it’s great that you think enough of yourself not to just settle with somebody who isn’t right for you. It is so important to have that self-confidence and self-worth before committing to another person otherwise you can just get stuck in relationships that ultimately won’t make you happy.

    You come across to me so well in your posts and I’m certain you will meet somebody who is the right fit for you and appreciates you. You deserve it 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for sharing hun!
    I experienced a similar thing in my first relationship, where you sorta loose part of yourself by trying to be what the other wants from you. It’s not easy and it took me time to realise that even though I loved him the relationship wasn’t healthy for me and I had to end it. I’m gad you managed to get away and seek help and it’s good to hear you are slowly starting to rediscover yourself again!
    Learning we are so worthy of having the partner of our dreams is difficult; I think sometimes it’s too easy to settle for something which is just good. But we all deserve the amazing, so don’t settle for just good, you are worth so much more!!! I wish you all the best!
    Love Carina xo
    https://simplycarinaxo.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carina, thank you for your comment. Yeah thats exactly how I felt, it just wasn’t healthy for me anymore. I felt like I was giving and giving and never got anything in return. (not that it’s always about that) but, I would be struggling and he would still only be thinking of himself.
      I need to believe that I am worthy of someone amazing and that he is out there. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Don’t ever regret leaving a relationship that doesn’t serve you. Long distance is difficult and it will always make or break a relationship. I don’t think you were selfish at all. And who says being selfish is a bad thing when your life and wellbeing are at stake?

    As someone who has been in a long distance relationship (albeit a successful one [he and I are now married]), I really enjoyed reading your post. My husband doesn’t fully understand mental health either, and that can be frustrating sometimes, but he’s certainly a lot more sympathetic than it seems your boyfriend was.

    Wishing you all the health and happiness in the world. ❤ x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment means so much, so thank you. I’m glad to hear things worked out for you and your husband. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. It was just not meant to be for us. ❤

      Like

  6. Oh Hun don’t you ever blame yourself for wanting to be happy. I know how being at your lowest all alone feels but trust me when I say you will and can get out of that dark hole. You are an amazing person, and give all the love you have to yourself first, do what makes you happy and the guy who deserves you will walk into your life giving you everything and more than you ever wanted. ❤️
    It’s not easy to put yourself out there like this and I hope I didn’t sound too preachy but stay happy and healthy you brave soul.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for writing such a truly powerful post, Hannah! You should be proud of yourself for making the right (but very hard) decisions.

    Depression is often neglected by people who don’t really know what it is. But the struggle is real, and your fight and all the insights you share here with your readers is truly inspirational. Keep fighting! And I know the perfect person for you is out there somewhere.

    Sending you many hugs from Seoul xx

    Liked by 1 person

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