I Miss Therapy.

Dear Journal,

The past week has been awful. I haven’t been eating properly, and I know this is why I feel exhausted and have excruciating headaches. But I still can’t bring myself to eat. I’m still punishing myself.

It seems to be a pattern of mine, no eating, sleeping and self harm are all the things I do when I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, or my thoughts.

I miss therapy. Is that an okay thing to say? Without it I feel like I have no direction. I can’t seem to ‘step up’ and take charge of my own life. I’m 23, and where I am now is not where I saw my life going. Come September, I graduated from University 3 years ago. By now, I wanted to be working my way up in the media industry and maybe living in London. Instead, I’m working a shitty 9-5 job, still living at home and struggling to keep my moods level and deciding if I can bring myself to eat that day.

Part of me understands that this is the depression speaking. But another part of me thinks that, I don’t know if I can go on living like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I have a list of things and people, (which I keep next to my bed) this is enough to make myself feel guilty about leaving them behind.

Today I saw a doctor, and quite honestly, it was not the outcome I wanted. I’m really struggling. But I feel that the doctor didn’t quite understand how much. I took a list, as I knew how hard it would be for me to express my thoughts. What I took from that appointment was an upped medication prescription and a phone number for the rapid response team, just in case I’m feeling really down. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, so I think I’m going to rebook and see a different doctor, maybe the one that I normally see.

It’s gone 8pm here. I’m going to try and force myself to eat something. Then answer the messages from people I’ve neglected to get back to. (sorry again) Then I’m going to work out how make some small, but positive changes to my life tomorrow. I refuse to feel this shit tomorrow.

Thank you for reading. I hope you’re having a good day. ❤


7 thoughts on “I Miss Therapy.

  1. Hello! I’m only 15 so I don’t quite understand everything you’re going through job-wise but I’m going through shit mentally and I’m just so frustrated because it’s like I’m going in circles with my Anxiety. I used to be excited for life after school but I’m honestly so anxious for real life because I’m barely managing right now.
    If you don’t mind me asking, why did you stop therapy?
    Also, I hope you feel better real soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello, thank you for reading and commenting. I understand, I felt very similar when I was at school. All I can say is that it does get better. When your younger you can feel (at least this is how I felt) quite intimidated about the ‘real life’ after education. I will be writing about that in a post very soon actually. But as you experience new things and you gain new bits of knowledge about life it creates a kind of picture and you start to learn how to ‘deal’ with situations. I hope that makes sense.
      I finished all my sessions of therapy. I will have a review session in a couple of months. But I’m thinking about trying a different type of therapy (in the past I’ve had talking therapy and CBT)
      I would be more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Or even if you just want to talk. Send me a message: hannah_agutter@hotmail.co.uk

      Liked by 1 person

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