Giving Up.

Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm. 

Dear Journal,

I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.

But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel. 

Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.

I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.

But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.

The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.

I want everything to be okay.

To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.

As always, thank you for reading ❤


8 thoughts on “Giving Up.

  1. Dear Hannah,
    You don’t know me, but I connected with your blog when you were living in Korea…I have a daughter a few years older than you who lives in Seoul. But I also have another daughter who suffers from depression, so I feel a little bit connected to you. I’m writing to encourage you not to give up. As you know, depression can take time a lot of personal work and professional help to overcome. I know you are strong enough to overcome your bad days and times when you feel overwhelmed. Everyone has days like that, some just feel it more intensely than others. And it’s ok to admit sometimes that you need help getting past those times when you feel so low, help that can allow you to focus on a healthier and happier you. Maybe your doctor or medical professional can help. If you are on medication, maybe you need a different one would work better. It took several times of switching medications for my daughter to find the one that finally worked for her. Please don’t give up trying to find the right care for you. You are a beautiful young lady and I hope and prayer is that one day you will embrace all the good things about you and let those be your focus as you move forward.


  2. Celebrate every little achievement. Don’t despair over the setbacks. One foot forward at a time, no matter how small. Sending you many positive thoughts. ❤


  3. I totally understand being anxious and depressed for no obvious reason. I’ve been there and I thought I’d never feel myself again but it does happen and you will 🙂 just hang in there and let me know if you need someone to talk to x


  4. I was at this dark period in my life before. It really does suck but please try to not let it get to you and make you sink. Please keep your head up and please continue to do things that will make you happy. I really think you should always refer back to the positives. Life is short and disliking yourself won’t make life easier but harder on yourself. Whatever problem you’re going through right now, try to confront yourself about it and figure out ways that can make you feel better about yourself.


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