paint me a smile

Dear Journal,

It’s been a while. I feel like I start every journal post saying this… I should post more often! Things have been pretty up and down. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to maintain my mood.

Work has been okay. Could be better though if I’m honest. Everyday is the same, I put my makeup on and paint a smile on my face and do my best to get through the shift. I do often wonder if thats what the rest of my life will be like. Makeup to cover the dark circles, coffee to give me energy and a bright pink smile to stop people from asking the dreaded “are you okay?” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I hate being asked if I’m okay. It’s just I feel that it’s just a ‘same shit different day’ kind of thing. Why keep rehashing the same story?

So my reply is, yeah I’m good thanks, you? (It seems like the easiest response)

Some days have been great. Some days I’ve done my shift at work and gone to the gym. Or I’ve tidied and organised my stuff at home. Or I would consciously take an evening off and have a self-care night.

But then there are the days where even breathing takes too much energy and it seems like it would be much easier just to sleep. One moment I can feel like I have so many options and opportunities right in front of me. Then in the next moment, I can feel like I’m carrying a million and one problems on my shoulders; and I convince myself that my life just isn’t worth living anymore.

Of course (well mostly anyway) I know that sentence may sound a tad dramatic. But honestly, some days, thats just how I feel. I don’t see the positive things that I have in my life.

Today has been a semi-positive day. I’m writing, thats a positive. I did some origami earlier, thats a positive.

I have a lot planned for tomorrow including an appointment with my care co-ordinator to discuss the next stages of my treatment as well as a discussion about seeing the psychiatrist again. I’m also seeing my friend in the afternoon. So it should be a pretty positive day.

What do you have planned for this coming week?

– Hannah ❤