Giving Up.

Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm. 


Dear Journal,

I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.

But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel. 

Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.

I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.

But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.

The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.

I want everything to be okay.

To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.

As always, thank you for reading ❤

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Make It Count.

Dear Journal,

This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.

There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.

Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.

Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤

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I Miss Therapy.

Dear Journal,

The past week has been awful. I haven’t been eating properly, and I know this is why I feel exhausted and have excruciating headaches. But I still can’t bring myself to eat. I’m still punishing myself.

It seems to be a pattern of mine, no eating, sleeping and self harm are all the things I do when I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, or my thoughts.

I miss therapy. Is that an okay thing to say? Without it I feel like I have no direction. I can’t seem to ‘step up’ and take charge of my own life. I’m 23, and where I am now is not where I saw my life going. Come September, I graduated from University 3 years ago. By now, I wanted to be working my way up in the media industry and maybe living in London. Instead, I’m working a shitty 9-5 job, still living at home and struggling to keep my moods level and deciding if I can bring myself to eat that day.

Part of me understands that this is the depression speaking. But another part of me thinks that, I don’t know if I can go on living like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I have a list of things and people, (which I keep next to my bed) this is enough to make myself feel guilty about leaving them behind.

Today I saw a doctor, and quite honestly, it was not the outcome I wanted. I’m really struggling. But I feel that the doctor didn’t quite understand how much. I took a list, as I knew how hard it would be for me to express my thoughts. What I took from that appointment was an upped medication prescription and a phone number for the rapid response team, just in case I’m feeling really down. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, so I think I’m going to rebook and see a different doctor, maybe the one that I normally see.

It’s gone 8pm here. I’m going to try and force myself to eat something. Then answer the messages from people I’ve neglected to get back to. (sorry again) Then I’m going to work out how make some small, but positive changes to my life tomorrow. I refuse to feel this shit tomorrow.

Thank you for reading. I hope you’re having a good day. ❤

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I Will Miss You.

Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk about something that is very… tragic and unexpected. Death has always been something that scares me, I guess it’s the same for a lot of people. I mean, it’s a very morbid and scary thing to think about.

Death puts life into prospective. It makes us realise just how short our lives really are. It makes us understand that we should appreciate the people and the things that we have in our lives. We don’t live forever and we should love and appreciate the things we have now before it’s too late.

Yesterday afternoon I received a text from one my friends in South Korea. I used to live in a small countryside town and there was a group of foreign teachers who used to get together from time to time.

She texted me saying that one of our friends had died. She had to be joking I told myself. But why would she joke about that? My heart sunk. I just didn’t understand, I still don’t understand. He was one of the people I said goodbye to before I left Korea. We were drinking at the usual bar the last time I saw him. Before I left he told me about his plans to continue traveling and he suggested a long list of places I should visit. He hugged me and told me to ‘do what makes me happy’ as after all, this is my life. 

But now, he’s gone. 

I send my deepest condolences to his family and friends. Jake was an incredible person. He was always so cool and calm. He made me laugh. I loved listening to his stories about traveling. I always hoped I could be as carefree as him.

Maybe someday, I will get to visit all of those places he suggested.

Jake, I will truly miss you. ❤

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Building Bridges.

Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk to you about “building bridges”.

Over the past 6 years I’ve burnt more friendship bridges than I could have ever imagined. It’s often not because I don’t like the person anymore or because we have different interests. It’s often because my anxiety or depression has stopped me from building those friendships further or it’s I feel like I’m a burden to them.

After everything that has happened over the past few years. Now, it’s time to start building friendships. Now is the time to be focusing on my future. Now is the time to decide what direction I want to take my life in. Now is the time to pave the path for my future. 

Maybe it’s just the mood I’ve been in for the past couple of days but life is beautiful. Life is worth living.

So lets start a conversation.

It can be about anything.

Tell me what you had for dinner.

Tell me your favourite colour.

Tell me what you did at the weekend.

Tell me your darkest secret.

Talking is a powerful tool. ❤ 

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I’m Back.

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Hello hello. I’m back. Missed me?

How was your weekend?

Mine was, relaxing to say the least. I got so much reading done. I started reading a new book called Everything Everything. It’s about a girl who can’t leave the house as she will get sick. A new family moved in next door and their teenage son is relentless in finding a way to get to know her. 

Its a very sweet book. I’m halfway through already. I spent some time with my family which was great. I took my cousins child swimming yesterday, it was his first time.

Today I’ve hit the ground running. I’m glad to be back into my normal routine. I got up fairly early. I headed straight to the gym. This afternoon I’ve just been focused on getting some writing done. Recently, I’ve been having a lot of inspiration for my book. So I’ve been getting a lot of writing done for that.

I’ve got a day off work tomorrow. I’ve got a lot of appointments to get through. It’s going to be a busy day, but exciting nonetheless.

I hope you have a fantastic week. ❤

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A Full Detox.

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Dear Journal,

This week I feel like I’m really struggling, and it’s only Tuesday! I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed and I’m letting stuff get on top of me. I’m behind on my upload schedule for this blog and it’s starting to really stress me out.

Today is my second day off work. I’m glad to be heading back to work tomorrow morning. I look forward to having more of a structured routine.

For the past few weeks I’ve had a lot on my mind. Some of which I’ve written about on here, and some that I’ve kept to myself. I plan on sharing the other stuff very soon, I’m just not ready to write about it yet. 

I’m going to need to take a break for a while. I need to take some time to focus on myself away from the internet and social media. I find that social media often enhances my insecurities and brings my mood down. Right now I’m not in the right place to be on social media. I’m doing well, I just need time to build my self-confidence and prove to myself that I’ve got this.

I will be disconnecting myself from the internet until next Monday morning. I will be having a full cyber detox and hopefully I will feel a lot better after doing so.

If I don’t message you back, don’t panic. I’m alive. 

I plan on working on some blog posts. I’m going to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of appointments this week. I’ve got work. And of course, the gym.

Love you all lots and lots. See you on Monday. ❤

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A Weekend To Myself.

Dear Journal,

This evening I want to talk to you about my weekend. Last Thursday my mum told me that my family were going away. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go as I was working all weekend. So that meant that I had the entire house to myself. At first, I was super excited, I could have some ‘me’ time. I hadn’t really been by myself for any length of time since I lived in South Korea last year.

Once Friday came around I started feeling a bit apprehensive. Once I had finished work, I headed straight to the gym. Then I headed straight home.

For about a month and a half now I’ve been seriously thinking about moving out into an apartment by myself. Sometimes I miss living by myself. I really like having my own space. 

After reflecting on this weekend, I don’t think I’m quite ready to move out by myself just yet. For the past two nights I’ve not slept well. I’ve barely eaten and I’ve just been generally quite anxious. Having said all of that, I’m proud that I got through this weekend. Nothing bad happened and I made it through.

For people who deal with anxiety and depression being left alone can be quite a challenge. It was a challenge, I’m not going to pretend that it was really easy. I mean, I think it helped so much that I worked both days. It took my mind off things. Evenings are often the worst, so I made sure that I kept myself busy and I went to bed early.

I’m a big believer in rewarding yourself if you do something that you found difficult. So this afternoon after work I headed into town and bought myself a new lipstick from NYX. I love it. It’s such a pretty pink. A girl can never have too many lipsticks.

Overall I’m proud of myself for getting through this weekend. ❤

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P.S. How was your weekend?

 

 

Life Update.

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Dear Journal,

I feel like it’s been ages since I uploaded so I thought I would just check in and give you guys a little update.

A lot of things in my life have been changing recently. I would like to share with you some of the changes that I’ve been making to my life.

I’ve joined the gym.
Actually I joined a few weeks ago and I’ve been really enjoying it. It’s probably the best thing I’ve down in a long time. Last week I went Monday-Friday and I took Saturday and Sunday off. And this week I went Monday and Tuesday after work. I had a day off today (Wednesday) so I went to a yoga class this morning. It was so difficult, but I felt so refreshed afterwards. I have a day off tomorrow (Thursday) too. I will go to the gym in the morning then see one of my best friends. She’s just had a little baby boy, I’m excited to meet him. 

I feel that going to the gym is really building my confidence and it’s really helping to keep my mood more level. I’ve always been quite body conscious and going to the gym is really helping with that. It’s making me feel better about myself.

I usually work early shifts at work so I’ve been going to work, then as soon as I’ve finished work I go to the gym. I spend about two hours there before going home.

As well as joining the gym, I’ve also started writing a book. (Actually, I started writing it a couple of months ago, but I’ve been working on it a lot recently) I’ve been filling my time and life with lots of positive things.

I feel like I’m learning how to listen to my body more. If I’m hungry, I eat. If I’m tired, I sleep. If I feel stressed, I stop what I’m doing and do something relaxing. I understand that these are such simplistic things to understand, but for me it’s something I really struggle with. I’m really learning how to care for myself more.

I’m proud of the progress I’ve been making with myself. I have not been sticking to my upload schedule which is starting to stress me out a little. I’ve got a lot going on at the moment as my work hours keep getting earlier and earlier. But I will figure it out. So my uploads are going to be a bit delayed for the next few weeks or so.

I hope that you understand.

I will return to my regular uploading schedule very soon. ❤

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P.S. What have you been up to?

Learning To Love Myself.

Dear Journal,

Over the past couple of weeks I feel that I’ve been making so much self improvement. I’ve been working out most days. And today, I gathered my courage and attended a yoga and balance class at my local gym. I’m so proud of myself for going and putting myself out there. The trainer was lovely, as were all the other people there.

I will be definitely attending the class again. I cannot believe how much progress I’m making. I’m finally learning how to do things for myself. I’m not worrying about what will make other people happy as much as I was. The truth is, someone told me last week that I need to be more selfish. I agree, however I think being selfish can be good as long as it doesn’t hurt the people that you love.

As well as exercising, I’ve also being riding my bike to work on the days that I have to be at work before 7am. I’ve also been keeping up with my reading, eating healthily and keeping in touch with friends.

When I returned from South Korea in November 2016 I was in a really bad place. I have made so much progress since then. I really did not think that I could feel like this. I’m learning to put myself first. I’m learning to think about myself. I’m learning to do things that make me happy.

Even though I’ve had a few bad days recently, life is good and I cannot wait to see what this week brings.

I hope that you’re having a great week so far ❤

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