It’s Been Quite A While.

Well hello there, it’s been such a long time since I’ve uploaded onto this blog. There are many reasons why I haven’t, the main one being, life has just kinda been a bit crazy!

A few weeks ago I started a new job and I’m loving it so far! The staff are so lovely and they really have made me feel part of the team.

I can’t believe that it’s almost September! Where is this year going?

I had a lot of fears and anxiety about uploading on here again. After giving it much thought I just figured that I didn’t really have anything to loose. Besides, I really miss my rambling thoughts!

Tomorrow marks a pretty big day for me. It’s the day that I’ve been waiting for for a good 2 and a half years, maybe a little longer than that now that I think about it. It’s the last day that I will spend on anti-depressants. I will be 100% medication free! I cannot believe how much my life has changed. Of course I still have bad days, and I still find myself rattled with anxiety. But for the most part, life is great! It’s been an uphill battle but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’ve started going to the gym more too. It’s doing wonders for my self-confidence! I’m also doing tons of reading. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama, she’s such an inspiration! OH and also, I don’t know how I could possibly forget this! My sister has moved down to Kent. How amazing is that? I’ve been loving spending more and more time with her.

So that kind of sums up what I’ve been up to.

What have you guys been up to? I would love to hear all about it.

-Hannah x

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Taming My Mind.

Dear Journal,

Its been such a long time since I’ve written in this section of the blog.

I guess in many ways I felt as though it was a bit redundant, irrelevant almost. Being in recovery brings thoughts and questions of “How on earth did I ever feel that low?!”

Over the past two months, I’ve been working closely with my therapist and my doctor to reduce my medication. There are a couple of reasons for this:

No.1: I don’t want to take medication anymore. I want to see how I can cope without it. I want to see how I am, unmediated.

No.2: the boyfriend and I have talked about trying for a baby towards the end of the year. There are too many risks during pregnancy being on these tablets. Plus, I want to breastfeed.

Anyway, back to the point, the medication has to be reduced twice more before I will be medication free. I’m told it will take another 3 months, which isn’t that long to be honest.

Recently, I have been struggling though. A lot more than I have done in the past year. Admittedly, there are many factors as to what is contributing to this. A couple of weeks ago I had an operation on my foot. I am unable to work. (Big big knockdown for me) and no gym. Also massive knockdown. I am stressed to the max.

Yesterday I admitted to my boyfriend that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. In that moment, I really did mean it. Although upon reflection, I know that’s not how i truly feel. I’m just struggling and drowning and I can’t seem to drag myself out of this pit that just seems to be getting deeper and deeper.

I know that its going to be okay. I know that when I look back at these past few days in a few months time I will congratulate myself for pushing through. I just know it! It’s just at this moment in time, I don’t see the light. It’s just dark.

But that’s okay.

Tomorrow, it’s a new day. New beginning. New things to achieve. And new goals to set.

Until then, enjoy the rest of your evening.

Much love,

Hannah x

What Have I been Up To?

Hey there, I hope that you’re having a great Sunday. It’s been such a long time since I’ve posted here. Life has just kinda got in the way and the more time that has passed, the more and more I felt anxious about posting.

I guess I should start by doing a re-cap about what I’ve been up to.

Christmas was amazing. Josh and I spent our first Christmas in our own place. We went to Josh’s mum’s house in the afternoon and we also stayed over. We played lots of family games, ate lots of good food and we also exchanged presents. On boxing day we went to Ramsgate to spend the day with Josh’s dads side of the family. We had a late Christmas with my family early Jan.

We went to a New Years Eve party which was so much fun. We played lots of games and maybe one or two glasses of Prosecco. Lol.

I spent January working out in the gym, working lots of hours at work and working on some of my new years resolutions. I will talk about them in a post early next week.

Last week I had a long awaited operation on my foot so I’ve been resting up whilst it heals. So that means, no walks, no gym and pretty much not doing anything for at least the first week. I’m back at the hospital tomorrow and hopefully they will be removing the cast and fitting a shoe so I will be able to walk on it.

But yeah, I just thought I would check in and say hey. Let me know what you’ve been up to and if you’ve set any new years resolutions. I would love to know what you guys are challenging yourselves to do this year!

Much love,
Hannah x

Be Your Own Best.

Dear Reader,

I wanted to start this post off as a dear journal post, however as I thought more about what I wanted to write I thought that a lot of you would relate and be feeling the same too.

Its so easy to get caught up in pushing yourself to do more, or do better. I am also very guilty of this.

I have just finished a at home yoga session with one of my favourite yoga instructors on YouTube. The session was aimed for times when you might be feeling stressed. I guess its not secret to those around me that I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to do more and be better so this session seemed appropriate.

I’ve made it my daily mission over the past week or so to try and not stress the little things and OMG has it been difficult! Its so easy to allow myself to fly off the handle about bits on the floor, and washing left on the side and don’t get me started on the time I thought we had ran out of mayonnaise. I’m on a bit of a tangent now though, the point is, life is too short.

All of the stress that we carry around on a daily basis ultimately causes us more emotional and physical pain in tbe future.

I like the saying, live for today…

Because its true. Just do your best and remind yourself that you’re doing your best and you deserve to be loved.

Keep being you and I will see you in a video I’m currently preparing to put up tomorrow.

Much love,

Hannah x

The Two Month Update.

I’ve lived here two months already? I can’t believe how fast it’s gone. I feel pretty much all settled in now.

Work is going well. Josh and I are doing great. I’m feeling quite independent and empowered which is great. I think because I moved out then moved back in with my family a couple of times in the past, I forgot how great it is to have my own space and my own routine. I mean, don’t get me wrong I miss my family though, especially my sisters sarcastic jokes!

All in all I’m so happy that I’ve made the move!

I haven’t really talked about on here what happened with my therapy sessions and why I quit. There are a lot of things that I want to write on here that I feel that I can’t right now so I will keep this very basic. Moving away was needed for a number of reasons. Firstly, because of mines and Josh’s relationship. Secondly, I needed to grow as a person (as cliche as that sounds!) I needed to step out of my comfort zone. Although I’ve moved away before, 5,489 miles to be exact! There was something different about this move. I wasn’t running away as I had done previously. It was about building upon the life I had learned to love. For a long time I would use the phrase “I want to start a fresh, or a new life.” But this time, it has been more about moving to a place that I liked the look of, with a person that I love dearly. It’s about sharing and creating a life with Josh as well as making myself proud of who I am and what I have and will achieve.

We only live one life and I want to make it my absolute mission to live it!

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve been in and out of therapy for as long as I can remember and right now I want to live in the present. I don’t want to talk about the past. I do have a lot I need to work on and I do have a lot of things (mostly OCD habits) that affect me daily. But! I’m working on it. There have been many times (especially this week) that I’ve had to sit myself down because I’ve stressed myself out that much about work, about cleaning, about the things I should have done. I care… I just care and obsess about things a little too much sometimes. I will start therapy again, maybe in a couple of months.

I’ve started getting back into exercising and doing yoga. I’ve started taking more time to rest and have self-reflection time. I want to get back into daily reading and drawing. In fact, I have a day off today so I might just do some painting after I’ve cleaned the apartment.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit now. So to sum these two months up? Great! Eventful! Busy! And overwhelmed by just how welcoming and loving the people around me are.

I hope you’re all having a fantastic weekend. Remember to check back tomorrow to see what I’ve chosen for next weeks Monday Must Have.

– Hannah ❤

Cakes, My Job, and Coffee Drinking.

Processed with VSCO with hb2 presetHello there!

I’ve been meaning to write an update on here a while back but it’s been so hectic here. I’ve got so many things I want to share with you.

Work has been great, I’ve been loving working at the coffee shop. I swear it’s like my dream job. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been getting more hours too which is great. I would quite happily work there everyday.

I’ve been so into baking cakes recently. especially cupcakes! I can’t explain it! I’m literally obsessed. I’ve been lucky enough to have the opportunity to sell some of the cupcakes and cakes that I make in the cafe. It’s so nice getting lovely positive feedback about my cakes. It’s also nice to hear about peoples thoughts about different flavours of icing or cakes they would like to try. It gives me much inspiration!

I’ve also been making my way around to different coffee shops. I found this lovely little coffee shop called The Little Kitchen. I absolutely love the atmosphere of this cafe. I ordered my standard cappuccino. I will be visiting again very soon.

So yes! It’s certainly been a very busy couple of weeks. I want to start vlogging more of my days with you guys so be sure to head over to my YouTube channel to see those videos.

How is your week going?

– Hannah ❤

I Have News.

Dear Journal,

Ready?

I have a job. I’m so happy! I hate not having a job. A job makes me feel like I have a purpose, a responsibility.

I have always wanted to work in a coffee shop and now I’ve got the chance to experience that coffee barista life.

Tomorrow is my last day training then I will be hopefully starting paid shifts from next Monday.

I have a busy few days after tomorrow, I’m hoping to be filming what I get up to.

Check out my new video over on my YouTube channel 🙂

I hope you’re all having a great week.

– Hannah ❤

I Want To Be Okay.

Dear Journal,

The past few days have been quite productive. I’ve certainly had ups and downs.

As I’m writing this I’ve found myself getting very paranoid and very emotional. I worry that I’m not enough. I worry that I will never overcome depression. I worry that I will never overcome how I feel. I worry that this will forever be my life. It’s difficult because today has been so productive and positive, but now, I find myself feeling like this. I feel empty and lonely!

I feel like I don’t want to be here. It’s crazy as earlier I found myself smiling; genuinely smiling. I was happy! I was planning what I will do tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I was thinking about the future. I was thinking about how great it would be to get married and have children.

Right now all I can think about is this moment.

I want to be okay.

I want to feel alive.

I want to feel free.

So now, I will pick myself up and begin to plan my trip tomorrow. I’m sure I will be okay. I’m going to watch Netflix. I’m going to charge my camera and pack my bag.

When that’s done, I will climb into bed, light my candle and read some of my book.

Goodnight. I hope you’ve had a great Monday.

– Hannah ❤

Monday Thoughts.

Dear Journal,

It’s been a while. I feel like I start every journal post saying this… I should post more often! Things have been pretty up and down. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to maintain my mood.

Work has been okay. Could be better though if I’m honest. Everyday is the same, I put my makeup on and paint a smile on my face and do my best to get through the shift. I do often wonder if thats what the rest of my life will be like. Makeup to cover the dark circles, coffee to give me energy and a bright pink smile to stop people from asking the dreaded “are you okay?” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I hate being asked if I’m okay. It’s just I feel that it’s just a ‘same shit different day’ kind of thing. Why keep rehashing the same story?

So my reply is, yeah I’m good thanks, you? (It seems like the easiest response)

Some days have been great. Some days I’ve done my shift at work and gone to the gym. Or I’ve tidied and organised my stuff at home. Or I would consciously take an evening off and have a self-care night.

But then there are the days where even breathing takes too much energy and it seems like it would be much easier just to sleep. One moment I can feel like I have so many options and opportunities right in front of me. Then in the next moment, I can feel like I’m carrying a million and one problems on my shoulders; and I convince myself that my life just isn’t worth living anymore.

Of course (well mostly anyway) I know that sentence may sound a tad dramatic. But honestly, some days, thats just how I feel. I don’t see the positive things that I have in my life.

Today has been a semi-positive day. I’m writing, thats a positive. I did some origami earlier, thats a positive.

I have a lot planned for tomorrow including an appointment with my care co-ordinator to discuss the next stages of my treatment as well as a discussion about seeing the psychiatrist again. I’m also seeing my friend in the afternoon. So it should be a pretty positive day.

What do you have planned for this coming week?

– Hannah ❤

Giving Up.

Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm. 


Dear Journal,

I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.

But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel. 

Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.

I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.

But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.

The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.

I want everything to be okay.

To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.

As always, thank you for reading ❤

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