Taking Back Control.

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Going and telling a complete stranger that something is wrong is no easy task. It takes courage, strength and confidence.

All of which in recent months I have been struggling with.

Yesterday was my first day back at my original store. I was really anxious. I got changed into my uniform and my anxiety was sky high. What if someone asks me about what I did to my arm? I had prepared an excuse. I practiced it in the mirror for the past 5 days. I was as ready as I would ever be.

I kept telling myself that it would be okay and all I had to do was get through these next few hours. I needed to put on a smile and it would soon be over.

I left work early and I made my way to my doctors appointment. I had prepared a solid list of the things that I wanted to discuss. This appointment was incredibly important.

I got sat down. The doctor asked how I was. My immediate response was “yeah, I’m good thank you. How are you?” As soon as the words left my mouth I corrected myself. “Actually no, I’m not okay. Things are really bad. But it’s difficult to talk about. I have a list.”

*Shows list*

We continued talking. Long story short, I will continue taking my current medication. She has referred me a to a psychiatrist. So now I’m waiting. She checked the SH on my arms, it’s all okay. Not infected.

I’m feeling rather positive. Today I worked up the courage to film a video for mental health awareness week. I’m really nervous about uploading it. But I’m proud of myself for getting up and telling my story.

I hope you’re having a great week so far. ❤

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Giving Up.

Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm. 


Dear Journal,

I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.

But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel. 

Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.

I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.

But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.

The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.

I want everything to be okay.

To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.

As always, thank you for reading ❤

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Gratitude Challenge: A Challenge You’ve Overcome.

When I first thought about what I would write about for this post, I was going to write about how I was brave and moved to South Korea by myself. Of course that was such a great thing that I did and experienced. However, recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about some of the other challenges that I’ve overcome.

When I went to the shop with my parents last week I was quite anxious. I thought to myself, “this is strange, why am I anxious?” It’s strange because I haven’t felt anxious going into a shop for a good few years now.

When I was at University I couldn’t bare to go into a shop alone. The thought of going caused that much anxiety and panic that I would end up having a panic attack and talking myself out of going all together. It got to the point, where I would visit my parent’s house for the weekend (every weekend) and I would ask them to take me to the shop. I would do my shopping with them, then I would bring it back on the train. It was such a hassle now that I think back to it.

But now, I manage to go by myself and feel completely fine. I mean, of course I still sometimes have those anxious days, but they’re not as bad. I go to the shop weekly to get food for meal prepping.

This is such a significant challenge that I’ve overcome and I have forgotten to congratulate myself for overcoming it.

I’m really proud of myself for overcoming something that I used to find such a struggle.

What challenges have you overcome? ❤

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Building Bridges.

Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk to you about “building bridges”.

Over the past 6 years I’ve burnt more friendship bridges than I could have ever imagined. It’s often not because I don’t like the person anymore or because we have different interests. It’s often because my anxiety or depression has stopped me from building those friendships further or it’s I feel like I’m a burden to them.

After everything that has happened over the past few years. Now, it’s time to start building friendships. Now is the time to be focusing on my future. Now is the time to decide what direction I want to take my life in. Now is the time to pave the path for my future. 

Maybe it’s just the mood I’ve been in for the past couple of days but life is beautiful. Life is worth living.

So lets start a conversation.

It can be about anything.

Tell me what you had for dinner.

Tell me your favourite colour.

Tell me what you did at the weekend.

Tell me your darkest secret.

Talking is a powerful tool. ❤ 

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A Full Detox.

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Dear Journal,

This week I feel like I’m really struggling, and it’s only Tuesday! I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed and I’m letting stuff get on top of me. I’m behind on my upload schedule for this blog and it’s starting to really stress me out.

Today is my second day off work. I’m glad to be heading back to work tomorrow morning. I look forward to having more of a structured routine.

For the past few weeks I’ve had a lot on my mind. Some of which I’ve written about on here, and some that I’ve kept to myself. I plan on sharing the other stuff very soon, I’m just not ready to write about it yet. 

I’m going to need to take a break for a while. I need to take some time to focus on myself away from the internet and social media. I find that social media often enhances my insecurities and brings my mood down. Right now I’m not in the right place to be on social media. I’m doing well, I just need time to build my self-confidence and prove to myself that I’ve got this.

I will be disconnecting myself from the internet until next Monday morning. I will be having a full cyber detox and hopefully I will feel a lot better after doing so.

If I don’t message you back, don’t panic. I’m alive. 

I plan on working on some blog posts. I’m going to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of appointments this week. I’ve got work. And of course, the gym.

Love you all lots and lots. See you on Monday. ❤

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Five Things I Like About Myself – Gratitude Challenge.

Firstly, I’m so so so so so sorry that this post is a day late. This week has just been crazy busy, and it’s only Wednesday. I made it one of my goals at the beginning of 2017 to build on my self-confidence. So recently, I’ve taken up a yoga class among some other things. I’ve been feeling really great in myself. I’m incredibly happy with the progress I’ve been making.

Here are some of the things that I appreciate about myself.

  1. Shy:
    Being a shy person definitely has pros and cons. But, I’m glad that I’m quite a shy person. I used to think that there was something wrong with being shy. But as I get older I’ve come to understand that there is nothing wrong with it, it’s just who I am. 
  2. Problem Solver:
    I’m a great problem solver. Admittedly, I am the type of person that kind of freaks out at first especially if it’s something I wasn’t expecting. But after that, I work as hard as I can to solve the problem. 
  3. Caring:
    I care about people. I care about people maybe too much sometimes. I tend to care about other people more than I care about myself. This is something I’m trying to change. However I don’t want to change the fact that I do care about others too. 
  4. Passionate:
    I’m a passionate person. I care about the things that I do. When I start something, I give it my all. I like this about myself. I’m really passionate about the things I do. 
  5. Proactive:
    This is something that I feel really strong about. If there is something that I cannot stand is not being proactive. If something is bothering me, I try to fix it. If I had a bad day, I will look and take the time to do things that will make that bad day into a good one. If something goes wrong, I try to understand where I went wrong and I try and fix the mistake. There is no point in sitting feeling sorry for myself and complaining about something I can try and change. I like to be pro-active. 

How about you? What are some of the things that you like about yourself?

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#TimeToTalk

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Today is Time To Talk Day. I’m so glad that a day like this is happening. It’s so important for people to talk about mental illness. There is no need for there to be such a stigma regarding mental health. And people certainly shouldn’t feel that they need to hide away and struggle in silence.

Having experienced both depression and anxiety I know just how important it is to talk about how you’re feeling. It also so important to surround yourself with supportive and positive people.

It’s important to surround yourself with people who are there for you, and people who will ask you how you are and what you’ve been up to. You need to surround yourself with people who you can talk to about everything and anything.

Mental illness can often make you feel like everything is your fault and that you can’t do anything right. This is not true, it’s just a symptom of the illness itself.

Mental illness does not define who you are.

You are not your illness.

I would just like to mention a book that I’ve recently started reading ‘Reasons To Stay Alive’ written by Matt Haig. It’s a fantastic book about the real struggles of depression, anxiety and panic disorder. I highly suggest any person who is struggling with those types of things to give the book a read. It’s really insightful. I would also suggest people who have family members, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends who are struggling with mental health to also give it a read. It will offer a great understanding about mental health to better understand your loved one who is experiencing these illnesses.

I hope that you’re having a great day today. If you are, I’m so happy for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. 🙂

If you’re not having a good day and would like to talk to someone. I’m here to listen if you ever would like to talk. Shoot me an e-mail at: Hannah_Agutter@hotmail.co.uk

And remember, you are beautiful and strong. You are not alone and you can get through this. Some days are worse than others, but I promise… everything passes, even the bad days. ❤

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P.S. Also, 7 cups is a fantastic website where you can talk freely to people about how you’re feeling. Please stay safe and reach out if you’re struggling.

Check out some of my MH related posts:

Saying NO to Anxiety

Things I Do When I’m Feeling Down

Beating Those Winter Blues

The Power of Positivity

Be Kind To Yourself, Always

 

I’m feeling Accomplished.

Dear Journal,

Today was my first day at my new job. I was so nervous, I was worried that I would mess up. I was worried that I was going to freak out and panic. I was worried that I would let myself get overwhelmed and that I would embarrass myself. I was worried that the people there wouldn’t like me.

But today. Everything was great. I did it. I got through my shift. I didn’t panic or freak out. People seemed to like me, and I got on with them too.

I’m feeling accomplished. I’m feeling really positive. I’m proud of myself.

I’m going to spend a couple of hours watching YouTube before I start planning videos. 🙂

Thank you for reading. I hope you’re all having a lovely day. ❤

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The Blogger Recognition Award.

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Zee from the blog ‘Zee’s London Diaries‘ and Dee from the blog ‘Stuff in a Powder Puff’ have nominated me for the Blogger Recognition Award. Thank you so much for the nomination. 🙂

The Rules

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  2. Write a post to show your award.
  3. Give a brief story of how your blog started.
  4. Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
  5. Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to.
  6. Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them & provide the link to the post you created.

My Answers

How did my blog start?

Actually, I’ve started this blog over and over a couple of different times. I started the blog so that I had a place I could talk about the things that interested me. I also wanted to use this blog as a way to make friends and communicate with others who had the same interests as me.

I’ve had this blog for a while now and I grow more and more in love with blogging day by day. It definitely serves as an outlet for me to express my thoughts. It really makes me smile to see the feedback I get from blogging. It really does make my day when someone comments on my posts.

2017 will be an awesome year. I’m looking forward to seeing where my blog will be going. I have so many different and positive posts planned. I can’t wait to share them all with you all. ❤

Two Pieces of Advice

I don’t know if I’m qualifies to be giving blogging advice to be honest. But here goes. 

Number 1:

Keep to a regular posting schedule. Your followers will know when to check back to your blog. And, it allows you to create posts that are more structured and developed.

I usually post Tuesdays and Thursdays. I post journal posts as and when I feel like it.

Number 2:

Engage. Engage. Engage. Engagement is so important. You can’t expect your blog to be found if you don’t put yourself out there. It’s really great to get to know other bloggers. Explore their blogs, find out their interests and communicate. The blogging community is a great community to be apart of.

Nominations:

  1. Stephanie
  2. Celtics345
  3. Alli
  4. Christine
  5. A Courageous Mess
  6. Typical Teenager 76
  7. Ines
  8. Wayfaringflaneur
  9. Tenaciousteee

I could have listed so many more people. I follow so many great blogs. These are blogs that have caught my eye recently. 🙂 Thank you for posting great content, I’ve enjoyed being apart of your world. ❤

Thank you for reading,

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New Year, New Perspective.

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Everyone experiences difficult times. Since returning from South Korea I’ve been going through a rough time. I’m not adjusting back into England very well as well as a few other things.

Of course I have missed England, mostly my family and friends. I’ve missed home cooked foods. Especially roast chicken dinners! As much as I love Korea, there are some things in England that I do prefer. Christmas for example!

Since coming back I’ve gotten myself into this rut that I can’t seem to break out of. I have to force myself to eat. Going to sleep isn’t easy. Damn insomnia! When I eventually fall to sleep, I find it hard to wake up. Then I have a lingering migraine all day. I think it’s due to stress. I can only do so much. I’m trying, I guess that’s the main thing.

Next year is going to be different. What I’ve worked out recently is, it’s important to pick out the people in your life who truly care. The other’s that are in your life who don’t ask you how you are, even know they understand that you’re going through a tough time. Those are the people I need to let go of. They are negative and self-centred people.

As cliche as it sounds, you do only live once. And it’s important to remember that THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Not someone else’s. You cannot constantly be following what someone else wants to do all the time. You cannot keep asking them “how are you, did you have a good day?” to which they respond with, “Yeah thanks.” then the conversation ends. They never ask about you. Or how your day was. Or what you did. Friendships/relationships work both ways. It takes equal effort from both sides.

I’m excited to start the new year. I have lots of things planned. I’m planning on taking a TOPIK test (Korean proficiency language test) next April in London. I’m thinking about doing a masters degree, maybe in events management or business. I want to start a YouTube channel, like a proper one! Haha. I want to get back into filmmaking again.

It’s important to find something you love and go for it. Life is too short to be stopped from doing something that you love because of circumstances or people.

I cannot wait to see what the new year brings~

– Hannah ❤