This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.
There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.
Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.
Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤
When I first thought about what I would write about for this post, I was going to write about how I was brave and moved to South Korea by myself. Of course that was such a great thing that I did and experienced. However, recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about some of the other challenges that I’ve overcome.
When I went to the shop with my parents last week I was quite anxious. I thought to myself, “this is strange, why am I anxious?” It’s strange because I haven’t felt anxious going into a shop for a good few years now.
When I was at University I couldn’t bare to go into a shop alone. The thought of going caused that much anxiety and panic that I would end up having a panic attack and talking myself out of going all together. It got to the point, where I would visit my parent’s house for the weekend (every weekend) and I would ask them to take me to the shop. I would do my shopping with them, then I would bring it back on the train. It was such a hassle now that I think back to it.
But now, I manage to go by myself and feel completely fine. I mean, of course I still sometimes have those anxious days, but they’re not as bad. I go to the shop weekly to get food for meal prepping.
This is such a significant challenge that I’ve overcome and I have forgotten to congratulate myself for overcoming it.
I’m really proud of myself for overcoming something that I used to find such a struggle.
What challenges have you overcome? ❤
The past week has been awful. I haven’t been eating properly, and I know this is why I feel exhausted and have excruciating headaches. But I still can’t bring myself to eat. I’m still punishing myself.
It seems to be a pattern of mine, no eating, sleeping and self harm are all the things I do when I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, or my thoughts.
I miss therapy. Is that an okay thing to say? Without it I feel like I have no direction. I can’t seem to ‘step up’ and take charge of my own life. I’m 23, and where I am now is not where I saw my life going. Come September, I graduated from University 3 years ago. By now, I wanted to be working my way up in the media industry and maybe living in London. Instead, I’m working a shitty 9-5 job, still living at home and struggling to keep my moods level and deciding if I can bring myself to eat that day.
Part of me understands that this is the depression speaking. But another part of me thinks that, I don’t know if I can go on living like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I have a list of things and people, (which I keep next to my bed) this is enough to make myself feel guilty about leaving them behind.
Today I saw a doctor, and quite honestly, it was not the outcome I wanted. I’m really struggling. But I feel that the doctor didn’t quite understand how much. I took a list, as I knew how hard it would be for me to express my thoughts. What I took from that appointment was an upped medication prescription and a phone number for the rapid response team, just in case I’m feeling really down. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, so I think I’m going to rebook and see a different doctor, maybe the one that I normally see.
It’s gone 8pm here. I’m going to try and force myself to eat something. Then answer the messages from people I’ve neglected to get back to. (sorry again) Then I’m going to work out how make some small, but positive changes to my life tomorrow. I refuse to feel this shit tomorrow.
Thank you for reading. I hope you’re having a good day. ❤
*** Trigger Warning ***
I’m going to be talking about a very different topic today. If you are sensitive or easily triggered then I suggest that you view this post with caution.
It’s hard to predict how recovery will progress. Everyone recovers in their own way and at different speeds.
The road to recovery is not a simple one and there certainly isn’t a time limit. Sometimes I think to myself I started having my second course of CBT last November and I finished the sessions a few weeks ago, so why am I not ‘better’. Whatever ‘better’ means. People call me normal. What does that mean? I worry excessively, is that normal? I stop myself from eating to punish myself, is that normal? I panic when I feel out of control of my own life, is that normal? I feel like I cannot get through the day without having an hour by hour structured plan, is that also considered as normal?
Because, I feel far from normal.
I stopped myself from blogging about this so many times. I’m afraid what people will think. I’m scared to be honest. People look at me and say, you look much happier than you did before. Do I? Are you sure? Because I feel no different!
I’ve always struggled with self harm. I gives me a kind of release that is difficult to describe. Before this week, I had gone 6 months without it. I was so proud of myself. I have had a stressful couple of weeks, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I feel so guilty and angry at myself. How could I do something so stupid?
And when people ask if I’m okay, I answer with a simple, yes. But, I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay last week. I wasn’t okay yesterday and I’m not okay today. This is the lowest I’ve felt in a few months.
Today I wanted to blog about something positive. But the truth is, I don’t feel positive right now. I am not sleeping great. I feel exhausted. I’m not eating much. I feel really fat. I haven’t been to the gym. I’ve not been reading. I have no motivation. Everything is a little bit of a mess.
What I’m coming to realise is that recovery isn’t just a straight line, there are ups and downs. Some weeks are better than others. Some days, life just makes you want to sit and cry. Today is one of those days.
What I’m told is that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I shouldn’t blame myself. Right now, I don’t believe that at all. I hate myself. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel like this. But I have to believe and trust the people that are telling me those things. I have to trust that they care about me.
Today is not a good day. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. Maybe it will be better, I will have to wait and see.
I think some major self care is needed this evening. Maybe a bath and a face mask.
All I can say is, I’m so truly grateful to the people that I have in my life. I’m so grateful for the messages asking how I am. I’m so grateful for the chats. I really am. ❤
P.S. I would love to hear your recovery story.
Today I want to talk to you about “building bridges”.
Over the past 6 years I’ve burnt more friendship bridges than I could have ever imagined. It’s often not because I don’t like the person anymore or because we have different interests. It’s often because my anxiety or depression has stopped me from building those friendships further or it’s I feel like I’m a burden to them.
After everything that has happened over the past few years. Now, it’s time to start building friendships. Now is the time to be focusing on my future. Now is the time to decide what direction I want to take my life in. Now is the time to pave the path for my future.
Maybe it’s just the mood I’ve been in for the past couple of days but life is beautiful. Life is worth living.
So lets start a conversation.
It can be about anything.
Tell me what you had for dinner.
Tell me your favourite colour.
Tell me what you did at the weekend.
Tell me your darkest secret.
Talking is a powerful tool. ❤
Self improvement – Striving for Development
I’ve wrote about this topic quite a lot on my blog over the past couple of months. I want to constantly be improving myself. I want to constantly be moving forward, trying new things and improving myself.
A few weeks ago someone said to me, for a 23 year old, you’ve ‘done a lot of stuff’. Since then, I’ve been thinking about what they actually meant by that, as in my eyes, I’ve not done ‘enough’. I feel that I should have achieved more by this age.
I guess I’m just too hard on myself for my own good sometimes.
I started to describe my self improvement trait as ‘itchy feet’. I want to be constantly moving. The concept of being ‘fed up’ or doing the same thing just scares the living shit out of me. But with all that being said, I’m also afraid of change. Kind of ironic isn’t it?
I just don’t like ‘standing still’ metaphorically speaking. There has to be a purpose. Before I went to South Korea, I worked a crappy job but it was all with a purpose in mind. I worked and worked and worked to save money to move away. And I did it.
This is my favourite personality trait. I like this about myself. I always want more. I don’t want to settle. I always want to keep striving for new experiences.
What is your favourite personality trait?
Hello hello. I’m back. Missed me?
How was your weekend?
Mine was, relaxing to say the least. I got so much reading done. I started reading a new book called Everything Everything. It’s about a girl who can’t leave the house as she will get sick. A new family moved in next door and their teenage son is relentless in finding a way to get to know her.
Its a very sweet book. I’m halfway through already. I spent some time with my family which was great. I took my cousins child swimming yesterday, it was his first time.
Today I’ve hit the ground running. I’m glad to be back into my normal routine. I got up fairly early. I headed straight to the gym. This afternoon I’ve just been focused on getting some writing done. Recently, I’ve been having a lot of inspiration for my book. So I’ve been getting a lot of writing done for that.
I’ve got a day off work tomorrow. I’ve got a lot of appointments to get through. It’s going to be a busy day, but exciting nonetheless.
I hope you have a fantastic week. ❤
This week I feel like I’m really struggling, and it’s only Tuesday! I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed and I’m letting stuff get on top of me. I’m behind on my upload schedule for this blog and it’s starting to really stress me out.
Today is my second day off work. I’m glad to be heading back to work tomorrow morning. I look forward to having more of a structured routine.
For the past few weeks I’ve had a lot on my mind. Some of which I’ve written about on here, and some that I’ve kept to myself. I plan on sharing the other stuff very soon, I’m just not ready to write about it yet.
I’m going to need to take a break for a while. I need to take some time to focus on myself away from the internet and social media. I find that social media often enhances my insecurities and brings my mood down. Right now I’m not in the right place to be on social media. I’m doing well, I just need time to build my self-confidence and prove to myself that I’ve got this.
I will be disconnecting myself from the internet until next Monday morning. I will be having a full cyber detox and hopefully I will feel a lot better after doing so.
If I don’t message you back, don’t panic. I’m alive.
I plan on working on some blog posts. I’m going to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of appointments this week. I’ve got work. And of course, the gym.
Love you all lots and lots. See you on Monday. ❤
*** TRIGGER WARNING***
Okay here goes, I’ve thought about writing about this for a while now. But, I’ve always stopped myself. I guess maybe I’m scared of the response this might get, or (most likely) what people will think of me.
When you’re dealing with stress, anxiety or depression, it’s exhausting. It’s like a constant uphill battle. Some days are better than others. And some days are just unbearable. This month I’ve been pretty level with my mood. For those of you who don’t know, I track my daily overall mood using a mood tracker. Green = good. Yellow = So-so. Red = bad. This month I’ve only had one red day, which is pretty good going. Well, up until today anyway.
Loving someone with depression and anxiety can be pretty tough also. What do you do when you receive those texts saying “I feel so down” or “I can’t do this anymore.” ??? It’s hard. What can you do? What is the ‘right’ thing to say? What is the ‘right’ thing to do?
The short answer is, there is no right thing to say or do. Just be there to listen.
Let me tell you about the past few days. I started feeling much better after my family came back. Read about last weekend here. I was feeling more relaxed and a little less anxious. I started eating again. But things have slowly been on a downward spiral.
Tuesday: I got discharged from CBT. Yay? Although, I’m scared that I will revert back to how I was, but I’m trying to stay positive. During my last session she told me that she was proud of how much progress I had made. We took a trip down memory lane a little.
When I first started seeing her (November 2016), I had just moved back from South Korea. In fact I had my first session the first week I got back, and I was still severely get lagged.
I had no job.
I was barely eating. The thought of eating made me feel sick. I was scared about putting more weight on. Even though I had lost so much already.
I didn’t exercise.
I didn’t leave the house. I was afraid something awful might happen. The thought of leaving the house triggered bad panic attacks, so I avoided it.
I didn’t speak to my friends. I closed myself off. I didn’t want to bother them with my problems.
I lost my confidence.
I stopped wearing makeup and doing girly things like painting my nails.
I literally did nothing. I wanted to run away. But, you can’t run away from yourself. I felt stuck. I was stuck with this person that I hated. I didn’t want to be me anymore. Why couldn’t I be someone who was so positive? Why couldn’t I be someone who just gets on with things? Why couldn’t I be a person who didn’t freak out every time something unexpected happened? In CBT I’ve been learning to love myself, or like myself more I guess. I’ve been learning to look after myself more. And, I’ve been learning how to relax. I overwork and I don’t take breaks, which leads to burning out. Something I know all too well. Now, I have nights where I watch Netflix and eat mini eggs (mostly guilt free) If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. 🙂
It’s not been an easy journey. I do have to work on it everyday. And somedays, I do just crawl into bed feeling exhausted.
I feel lucky that I had my friends and family around me. I don’t know what I would have done without them. But I also feel I should apologise to them. I spent two months crying everyday when I came back from Korea, they didn’t know what to do. They wanted to help, but what can you do for someone who can only help themselves?
Yesterday and today has been a rough couple of days. I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind is constantly worrying about whether people at work think I’m strange because I don’t really talk. Or that I freak out and get orders wrong when I’m feeling anxious. The truth is, I’ve got that many thoughts in my head about lots of different things, the last thing I want to do is talk and ‘put myself out there’ anymore than usual. Sometimes, just getting to work is an achievement in itself.
I went to the gym first thing yesterday morning. The workout did not go well at all. I just didn’t have the energy. Then I had plans with someone from work in the afternoon. I’m scared that they think I’m boring, as I barely spoke. Then after that I went into town and bought myself some new tops. A little retail therapy. But my mood was still sinking. I just wanted to cry and go to bed, so I went home. I skipped dinner, set my alarm and went straight to bed.
I woke up this morning in such bad mood. Work wasn’t bad. I got through it, that’s the main thing. I need to remember to always look at the positives!
Apologies to those people that I haven’t answered, I will reply to your e-mails, messages, tweets and texts just as soon as my mood has lifted. I really do appreciate all of the positive and supportive messages that you’ve all been sending me.
Whether it’s your friend, work colleague, boyfriend, girlfriend, mum, sister, loving someone with anxiety and depression can be stressful all round. It’s hard to know what to do or say. Let them know that they’re safe, and cared for. Let them know that they don’t need to feel insecure or lonely. Just be there when they need you.
I wish I could hug every single person who struggles with this, because it’s not easy. And it does make you just break down and cry. Hell, I cried all the way home from the gym and got into bed this afternoon, I felt so shit and upset. But it does pass, and tomorrow will be better.
As always, I’m here for anyone who wants to talk, vent or cry to. We are all in this together. ❤