Nobody Said It Will Be Easy.

Dear Journal,

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks so far this year. At the beginning of the week I had a bit of a problem at work. I have been extra agitated and it’s caused quite a bit of friction between the people that I work with.

I’ve been working on getting myself back into recovery. It’s not an easy concept for me to get my head around. Because even though a person might be in recovery, it doesn’t mean that that person won’t have bad/down days. As down days are a normal part of life. When can I start to class myself as in recovery? 

First, I would like to talk about self harm. I’m actually quite proud of myself, today is day 4 of not doing it. I know, 4 days doesn’t sound like that long. When I think back to last month when I was doing it about 3 times a day, to go from that to not doing it for 4 days, it’s quite an achievement! Yesterday and today have been extremely stressful days, both at work and at home. When I finished work yesterday I decided that I would go to the gym. It helped a great deal with my mood.

When I think about recovery. I think about the things I want to work on. The traits or behaviours that I want to change. It’s no secret that I don’t like (hate) myself. It’s certainly no secret that at times (even as recent as this week) I have simply just not wanted to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I don’t want to have those dark thoughts, where I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t want to be ashamed to be me.
I want to be okay with not watching what I eat.
I want to be okay with not planning every hour of my day.
I want to be okay with having time to just relax.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be someone people can rely on.
I want to inspire others.
I want hope.
I want love, happiness and success.
I want to believe in myself.

This week I have been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about my future and the direction in which I see my life going.

Part of me wants to move down to London and try and get a job within the media industry. Part of me wants to continue working here and go to university in September to study business management.

But then there is another part of me that just says “Hannah. No. You can’t do it.” Or, “You are not capable to do it.” But that is the voice I have to ignore. Recovery is not a straight line. There are ups and downs. There are tough days and there are good days. But as bad as the bad days get, things will always get better.

On Tuesday afternoon I really did feel like I had hit rock bottom, it felt as though things just couldn’t get any worse and that I wouldn’t ever feel ‘better’ again.

Recovery isn’t easy, but it is possible. I will be okay. I am capable. I am worthy of love. I can do this. My friends do like me. Depression doesn’t make me weak. I do believe in myself. I can succeed. I can learn to love myself. And things will be okay.

Today is just a bad day. Tomorrow, I’m sure will be better.

How has your week been? ❤

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Lies That Depression Tells Me.

  1. You are NOT good enough.
  2. You are too hard to love.
  3. No-one will ever love or accept you.
  4. You are ugly.
  5. You are fat.
  6. Everyone hates you.
  7. You will fail if you try.
  8. You are crazy.
  9. You are stupid.
  10. Everyone would be better off if you were not here.

Lets go back through that list and change those negatives into positives.

  1. You are MORE than good enough. If the people around you don’t believe that, then you don’t need those people in your life. 
  2. You deserve to be showered with love. In relationships (or friendships) find someone who doesn’t see your battle as a burden. Those people are out there. They will love you for you. 
  3. You WILL find someone out there to love you for you. I promise. When you find that person, never let them leave your life. No matter how many times you try and push them away, they will always come back telling you how much you mean to them. 
  4. You are far from ugly. You will probably never see the beauty in yourself that others seem to see. Take a good look in a mirror and start to list a couple of things that you don’t mind about yourself. Learn to appreciate the features that you have. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. 
  5. You are NOT fat. Everybody has a different shape. Diet and exercise plays a huge part too. You could be ‘fat’, but you know what? A person who has a funny, intelligent and witty personality is all that people will see. 
  6. You can’t please everyone. If someone doesn’t like you, then that’s their problem. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. 
  7. You may fail. But you will learn. Everything is a process. By ‘failing’ you are gaining more knowledge and experience which you can apply when you try again. Failing is essential to progressing. 
  8. Some of the best people in the word are ‘crazy’. Theres nothing wrong with being a little crazy. 
  9. You aren’t stupid. You are maybe just better at other things compared to the other people around you. Embrace the brains that you have. 🙂
  10. Everything about no. 10 is a lie. How would people be better off? I understand this feeling. I have felt it, it’s an overwhelming feeling. But, you need to make your mark on the world. You have your place. You have the power to inspire. You are incredibly strong. Depression has given you this. Use these feeling and knowledge to inspire others. Be the amazing person that I know you are. 

Thank you very much for reading.

My inbox is always open if anybody wants to talk. You are never alone. ❤

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P.S. What lies does depression tell you?

Dear Future BF

Boyfriend! Well, hello!

Firstly, I would like to say that I’m really proud of myself for learning how to open myself up to another person again. I’m sure we have already discussed about ex’s by this point, and as you probably already know, my ex’s have been pretty… shitty, to say the least!

You are probably already aware that I have trust issues and I am highly insecure at times. I’m sure that I brush off all of your compliments like I don’t care. (when secretly, they make me smile)

I still don’t believe them though. I’m working on it. 

I’m sure you are very sweet. Caring. Attentive. I’m sure that you offer me much reassurance. (Again, I’m sure you are aware that I crave it) I’m sure that you listen to me talk for hours and say that you could do it all night. Are you crazy? I’m sure you tell me I look beautiful, even though I think I look like I’ve just been dragged through a bush. Still, your words make me smile.

I’m sure we have had a few ‘hiccups’ during the time we were ‘getting together.’ I’m sure I keep texting you with the same words of “Are we okay?” or “Are you angry?” and I’m sure that your response is “Of course baby.” I hope I’ve told you how much I love it when you call me baby.

I hope I’ve told you how much I appreciate you. And how much I love (yes love) having you in my life. I love your positivity. I love your ambition. Your drive. Your love. And your passion.

I hope I’ve apologised for all the times where I freak out and act crazy. I hope that I’ve said sorry a million times when I’ve caused a fight from something that was all made it up in my mind.

I hope that I’ve told you how much I love it when you smile. And that when you laugh, my heart melts. I hope that I’ve told you how adorable you look when you smile. Or how admirable it is when you talk about your family.

And when we talk about the future. Am I still afraid? The truth is, I’m sure I’m just scared that things won’t work out. And that I will get hurt. Or maybe that I will love you, more than you love me.

I know that you seem confused when I’m sad and I pull away from you. I hope that I reassure you that the reason for this is for self preservation. I don’t want to get hurt. And, I don’t want to hurt you.

Sometimes, I feel like I do need to be alone. To think. Not about us but, general things. You know? Being alone is something that I’ve always struggled with. I mean, I’m better than I was. Have I improved by this point? I sure hope that I have. 

Did we ever go on a trip? I hope that we did and that we had an awesome time!

I hope I told you how much it takes for me to say the ‘L’ word, and I don’t mean leprechaun. Although, they are pretty cool.

I’m sure that (and I can say this now, because, well… this is for the future) from early on that I did start … (L)ing you. I probably did, because I’m sure that you are amazing.

I hope that we do couple type things like, walking along the beach holding hands. I hope that we write each other letters. (because I think that’s the sweetest thing ever) I hope that when you are sick I can be there to take care of you. Cook you food. And cuddle you whilst you’re sleeping.

And lastly, I hope that we haven’t lost our sarcastic banter. Because, just wouldn’t that be a shame!

Till then, I hope that you are well. I hope that you are creating and shaping the amazing person that you will become.

And when it’s time for us. We will be perfect.

I hope we meet soon,

Your future girlfriend.
xxx