Giving Up.

Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm. 


Dear Journal,

I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.

But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel. 

Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.

I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.

But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.

The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.

I want everything to be okay.

To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.

As always, thank you for reading ❤

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The Road To Recovery.

*** Trigger Warning ***


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I’m going to be talking about a very different topic today. If you are sensitive or easily triggered then I suggest that you view this post with caution.

It’s hard to predict how recovery will progress. Everyone recovers in their own way and at different speeds.

The road to recovery is not a simple one and there certainly isn’t a time limit. Sometimes I think to myself I started having my second course of CBT last November and I finished the sessions a few weeks ago, so why am I not ‘better’. Whatever ‘better’ means. People call me normal. What does that mean? I worry excessively, is that normal? I stop myself from eating to punish myself, is that normal? I panic when I feel out of control of my own life, is that normal? I feel like I cannot get through the day without having an hour by hour structured plan, is that also considered as normal?

Because, I feel far from normal.

I stopped myself from blogging about this so many times. I’m afraid what people will think. I’m scared to be honest. People look at me and say, you look much happier than you did beforeDo I? Are you sure? Because I feel no different!

I’ve always struggled with self harm. I gives me a kind of release that is difficult to describe. Before this week, I had gone 6 months without it. I was so proud of myself. I have had a stressful couple of weeks, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I feel so guilty and angry at myself. How could I do something so stupid?

And when people ask if I’m okay, I answer with a simple, yes. But, I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay last week. I wasn’t okay yesterday and I’m not okay today. This is the lowest I’ve felt in a few months.

Today I wanted to blog about something positive. But the truth is, I don’t feel positive right now. I am not sleeping great. I feel exhausted. I’m not eating much. I feel really fat. I haven’t been to the gym. I’ve not been reading. I have no motivation. Everything is a little bit of a mess.

What I’m coming to realise is that recovery isn’t just a straight line, there are ups and downs. Some weeks are better than others. Some days, life just makes you want to sit and cry. Today is one of those days. 

What I’m told is that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I shouldn’t blame myself. Right now, I don’t believe that at all. I hate myself. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel like this. But I have to believe and trust the people that are telling me those things. I have to trust that they care about me.

Today is not a good day. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. Maybe it will be better, I will have to wait and see.

I think some major self care is needed this evening. Maybe a bath and a face mask.

All I can say is, I’m so truly grateful to the people that I have in my life. I’m so grateful for the messages asking how I am. I’m so grateful for the chats. I really am. ❤

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P.S. I would love to hear your recovery story.

Gratitude Challenge – X3 People

For this weeks gratitude challenge I wanted to express gratitude to three people in particular who are in my life right now.

In no particular order:

  • Georgia
    Georgia is my sister. I find her inspirational. She stands up for what she believes in. She knows exactly what she wants and she just goes for it. I like that! There is nothing more I admire about person than being driven and passionate. 
  • Sammie
    Sammie is one of my best friends. I’ve known her for so long. She’s always there for me. I’m so grateful to call her one of my best friends.
  • Cait
    I met Cait whilst I was living in South Korea. I feel that over the past year we’ve become quite close. When I have things on my mind that I want to talk about she is one of the people that I turn to. I really admire the things that she has experienced.

Thank you for reading ❤

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Gratitude Challenge -A Friend.

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Today I want to talk about friends. Friends are really important people in our lives.

I tend to surround myself with a few really great friends rather than having a big group of friends that I’m not super close with.

For this post I want to talk about one of my friends who I’ve know for about a year and a half. Actually, what is funny is, I met her through this blog. We were both heading to South Korea on the same day. How crazy is that? We started commenting on each others posts. We added each other on FB and then before we knew it we met up and began shopping in Busan!

And now, Tia is one of my best friends.

She’s been such a rock for me. Especially these past 6 months. Things have been so hard for me, and she’s just been there for me. I don’t know what I would have done without her.

I’m so excited to be planning some adventures with her in the near future.

So Tia, thank you for being my best friend. I’m so grateful to have you in my life. I miss you so much. Coffee soon? ❤

You should follow Tia~

Tia and her boyfriend have just set up a YouTube Channel. Guys, I’m so proud of you!

Here are their links:

Blog

YouTube

Facebook

Thank you for reading this weeks gratitude challenge. ❤

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P.S. Check back next Tuesday for another Gratitude Challenge post.

**** If you want to join in with this gratitude challenge. Click here and scroll down to the ‘Gratitude Challenge Photo’ If you decide to join in, send me a link. I would love to read yours.

Check out some of the other posts I’ve written for the gratitude challenge:

Gratitude Challenge – The City I Live In

Gratitude Challenge – Something Someone Gave You

Gratitude Challenge – A Family Member

Gratitude Challenge – Family

Be Kind to Yourself, Always.

Dear Journal,

The past few weeks have been incredibly difficult. There have been days that I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone. Hell, I’ve written this post over and over again.

After an inspiring conversation with my friend Tia earlier this afternoon, I’m feeling a lot more positive. More driven. She made me realise what type of people I want to have in my life and where I see my life going. I want to have people who care about me as much as I care about them. People who don’t ignore me and just tell me that they are busy. People who I can call and just cry to when things are hard.

I made it one of my resolutions to better myself this year. One week in and things are getting challenging. But, after this week I’ve come to realise that you need to surround yourself with supportive and positive people. Not selfish ones. And certainly not ones that make you feel shit about yourself.

Over the next couple of weeks I have a lot of things that I need to face and it’s going to take a lot of strength. I’ve been avoiding these things. Now I’m at the point where these things can no longer be avoided and ignored. But I’m going to get through it.

And I’m going to feel good about it. I’ve got myself a job. I can finally start working again!

Work = Life

I’ve been going crazy without a job. Having a job gives you options. Having options gives you choices. And those choices can give you the world.

It’s up to me.

I hope you’ve all enjoyed your Monday. Thank you for reading my rant/journal entry. Have a fantastic week! I will be uploading a Gratitude post tomorrow. (12pm UK GMT)

Enjoy your evening~

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The Gratitude Challenge.

This year I will be taking part in the 52 week gratitude challenge. I will be uploading posts for this challenge every Tuesday at 12pm.

Why I am Taking Part?

I think it’s very easy to not look and appreciate the things that are around us. I decided to take part in this challenge to force myself to really look and appreciate the things that I often take for granted.

It’s too easy to get caught up in the stress and demands of day to day life. And quite often, it’s easy to look at our lives in a very negative way. There are often some very good and positive things in our lives that we often overlook.

I plan for this challenge to change the way that I look at things. I want to become a more positive and optimistic person.

I hope that you will enjoy reading these posts.

Next weeks post is about someone special.

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P.S. If you are taking part in any challenges, I would love to give them a read. Please feel free to post the links below. 🙂 ❤

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017.

kakaotalk_photo_2016-12-29-17-04-27_78This year has gone so quickly. I feel like I say that every year.

Looking back on 2016 I realise just how many different things that I have experienced. Some good, and some bad.

When a year goes as quickly as this year has, it makes me realise just how important it is to do what you love, always! Life is too short to do something that you hate. Or be surrounded by people or situations that make you uncomfortable.

So with that all being said. I want to make some big changes to myself, my life and the way that I think when 2017 comes around.

Every year I make new years resolutions. I think it’s important to set goals, I think that it allows for self- improvement. Which I always think is important. 

These are the resolutions I plan on setting for the New Year. Hopefully I will be able to stick to at least five of them. 

  1. Be more self-confident.
  2. Appreciate my friends and family more.
  3. Be confident in the things that I want and just go for it!
  4. Make more film content.
  5. Blog more.
  6. Exercise more regularly.
  7. Move back to South Korea.
  8. Take TOPIK test.
  9. Learn how to cook more types of food.
  10. Stand up for what I believe in.
  11. Attend blogging events.
  12. Build blog following.
  13. Start a YouTube Channel.
  14. Do more of what I love.

So that’s it. 🙂

What resolutions will you be making for next year?

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P.S. Thank you to everyone who has made 2016 great for me~~~ 💕

 

All Things Christmas (Video)

Christmas is my favourite time of year. It was lovely to spend Christmas with my family. Check out the video I made~

어제 많이 좋았어요. 크리스마스 점심 진짜 맛있었어요. 가족에게 감사하다~ ❤

All Things Christmas.

Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without the food, the decorations, the stockings, the snow, the cookies, cupcakes etc…

Since I was away for Christmas last year, I have made sure that I go over and above this year. I didn’t want to miss out on anything.

Here’s a picture blog of what I’ve been up. 🙂

Christmas Origami

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Salt Dough Christmas Decorations:

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Calendar Chocolate: 

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Adorable Gingerbread Earrings:

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Christmas Nails: (I’m wearing the gold ones for Christmas Day 😉 )

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Cupcakes: (I will be doing a lot more baking for Christmas day. I will upload those pictures next week)

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Gift wrapping and making:

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I hope you all have a lovely Christmas!! ❤ ❤ ❤

– Hannah

Appreciating the Little Things.

Dear Journal,

So! I returned from South Korea 43 days ago. I moved back into my parent’s house. I’m currently living with my mum, dad, younger sister and younger brother… and of course we cannot forget our adorable puppy Penny. (not really a puppy – she’s 6 years old)

Since returning, things have been incredibly difficult. For starters, I NEVER thought that I could miss a country so much. (Mostly the food! Haha.) I didn’t even miss England that much when I was in Korea if I’m honest. And secondly, it’s taking me a while to re-adjust to England.

When I left Korea, I left a lot of special people behind, whom I miss every single day. Messages and phone calls just aren’t the same as going for coffee or going shopping together. But it’s better than nothing I suppose.

When I think about it, I had a similar feeling when I first got on the plane to move to Korea. I was also leaving behind my friends and family in England. I guess that’s what is so hard about moving to a new place. You get comfortable, you find those ‘regular’ restaurants and cafes that you love to spend time in, then things change very quickly and you can find yourself a little bit lost.

As Christmas is fast approaching, I think back to what I was doing this time last year. I spent Christmas in Seoul. It was fantastic, but it wasn’t familiar. It was a… different type of Christmas, but by no means in a bad way. Just… Different. Christmas Eve I spent it at a friends house, we had a little Christmas party, it was really fun. My friend had this awesome polaroid camera. I really want to buy one too!

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When I woke up on Christmas morning, I was alone, I ate breakfast and drank a small cup of coffee. Then found myself staring at the little pile of presents my parent’s sent me. I had placed them under a small tree that I had bought from Daiso a month previously. It was only a cheap one, but it make me feel more Christmassy.

As I opened the gifts I cried and cried.

Christmas just wasn’t the same. I was used to getting up and anticipating the moment my parent’s said we could go and sit in the living room and give our gifts to each other. (yes, I still did that at aged 22 – what can I say? I love Christmas) As well as the stockings that my parent’s had kept since we were babies. There are so many Christmassy memories.

In Korea I didn’t have gifts wrapped and ready to give my family. I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy a true Christmas dinner. I wasn’t able to thank my mum for cooking an incredible meal (because she really does know how to cook it well).

I wasn’t unhappy when I found myself alone in my apartment. I wasn’t unhappy because I knew that I had a fun packed long weekend to spend in Seoul. I just became overwhelmed and felt increasingly lonely. It made me realise how much I appreciated family Christmases.

But this year is different, I have returned home for Christmas. In fact, I will be spending a little more time at home over the next few months. I’m intending on returning to Korea in early 2017. I just need to make plans for that to happen.

I guess what I’m saying is, although my time at home recently hasn’t been the best. I am glad that I’m home for Christmas and that I will be around family and friends.

I hope that you all are having a fantastic Christmas so far~

– Hannah

P.S 메리 크리스마스! ❤