This Will Be My Year.

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Welcome to 2018!

When reflecting on the previous year, many people have the habit of looking negatively and only seeing the bad things. I found myself doing this until I sat down and really focused on all the good things that happened to me.

In no particular order, here some of the things/achievements of 2018.

  • Went and saw my first psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD. (I was brave!)
  • I started my first job since returning from South Korea.
  • I met Josh and fell in love with him. ❤
  • I went and travelled London (properly) for the first time.
  • I realised my inner worth. (This was difficult!)
  • At the beginning of the year, I walked away from a toxic and abusive relationship. (I learnt that I deserved much MUCH better)
  • Had so many amazing opportunities to collaborate with other bloggers and brands. (I feel so grateful)
  • I started (and finished) group therapy (MBT)
  • I learnt how to incorporate more self-care into my everyday routine.
  • I joined the gym.

Now! Thats a pretty awesome list of things. (At least, I think so)

I’m sure there are many more things that I’ve forgotten. I had a great year! 2017 taught me so many things, especially about myself.

I’m grateful that I have the chance to continue building my life in 2018.

How would you describe your 2017?

– Hannah ❤

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5 Things That Make Me Happy.

We all have those moments when we are really down and disconnected. I’ve not really felt myself for the past few days so I decided, since I had today (Sunday) off from work, I would practice some self-care activities.

I would like to share with you 5 things that make me happy when I’m not quite feeling myself or I’m feeling down.

  1. Meeting friends:
    Yesterday some of my friends from work asked if I would like to go for coffee with them as a few of us had the day off from work. I agreed and then at around midday we all met up in Starbucks.
    I got a Toffee Nut Latte. Spending time with friends is a great way of relaxing and blowing off some steam. I find that sat around with likeminded people can relive stress and lift your mood. I really enjoyed seeing my friends today! 
  2. Lighting a candle:
    Now, this sounds so simplistic and a little strange I think. I ALWAYS find if I light a few of my favourite scented candles and just let the room fill with that scent, it’s a great mood lifter. Right now I’m burning one of my favourites, a cappuccino truffle candle from Yankee Candle. 
  3. Moisturising:
    I find there is no better self-care than physically taking care of your skin. If you have dry and unshaved legs, it may not make you feel great, I know for me, I feel tons better when I’ve taken the time to shave and moisturise. It makes you feel good about yourself! A fantastic way of building self-confidence! 
  4. Writing lists:
    Now, I’m sure I’m not the only person who finds writing lists incredibly therapeutic. Having those tasks and goals in place really keeps me focused and driven. Crossing each task off really gives me a sense of achievement and makes me feel happier.
  5. Netflix:
    Netflix. Films. YouTube. Anything that I can get into and laugh at! I’ve really been loving watching documentaries about British history at the minute.

So there we have it, five things that make me happy. Of course, there are lots of other things that make me happy, but these are just few self-care things I can do too.

What do you enjoy doing?

– Hannah ❤

I Want To Be Okay.

Dear Journal,

The past few days have been quite productive. I’ve certainly had ups and downs.

As I’m writing this I’ve found myself getting very paranoid and very emotional. I worry that I’m not enough. I worry that I will never overcome depression. I worry that I will never overcome how I feel. I worry that this will forever be my life. It’s difficult because today has been so productive and positive, but now, I find myself feeling like this. I feel empty and lonely!

I feel like I don’t want to be here. It’s crazy as earlier I found myself smiling; genuinely smiling. I was happy! I was planning what I will do tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I was thinking about the future. I was thinking about how great it would be to get married and have children.

Right now all I can think about is this moment.

I want to be okay.

I want to feel alive.

I want to feel free.

So now, I will pick myself up and begin to plan my trip tomorrow. I’m sure I will be okay. I’m going to watch Netflix. I’m going to charge my camera and pack my bag.

When that’s done, I will climb into bed, light my candle and read some of my book.

Goodnight. I hope you’ve had a great Monday.

– Hannah ❤

Dear Future BF

Boyfriend! Well, hello!

Firstly, I would like to say that I’m really proud of myself for learning how to open myself up to another person again. I’m sure we have already discussed about ex’s by this point, and as you probably already know, my ex’s have been pretty… shitty, to say the least!

You are probably already aware that I have trust issues and I am highly insecure at times. I’m sure that I brush off all of your compliments like I don’t care. (when secretly, they make me smile)

I still don’t believe them though. I’m working on it. 

I’m sure you are very sweet. Caring. Attentive. I’m sure that you offer me much reassurance. (Again, I’m sure you are aware that I crave it) I’m sure that you listen to me talk for hours and say that you could do it all night. Are you crazy? I’m sure you tell me I look beautiful, even though I think I look like I’ve just been dragged through a bush. Still, your words make me smile.

I’m sure we have had a few ‘hiccups’ during the time we were ‘getting together.’ I’m sure I keep texting you with the same words of “Are we okay?” or “Are you angry?” and I’m sure that your response is “Of course baby.” I hope I’ve told you how much I love it when you call me baby.

I hope I’ve told you how much I appreciate you. And how much I love (yes love) having you in my life. I love your positivity. I love your ambition. Your drive. Your love. And your passion.

I hope I’ve apologised for all the times where I freak out and act crazy. I hope that I’ve said sorry a million times when I’ve caused a fight from something that was all made it up in my mind.

I hope that I’ve told you how much I love it when you smile. And that when you laugh, my heart melts. I hope that I’ve told you how adorable you look when you smile. Or how admirable it is when you talk about your family.

And when we talk about the future. Am I still afraid? The truth is, I’m sure I’m just scared that things won’t work out. And that I will get hurt. Or maybe that I will love you, more than you love me.

I know that you seem confused when I’m sad and I pull away from you. I hope that I reassure you that the reason for this is for self preservation. I don’t want to get hurt. And, I don’t want to hurt you.

Sometimes, I feel like I do need to be alone. To think. Not about us but, general things. You know? Being alone is something that I’ve always struggled with. I mean, I’m better than I was. Have I improved by this point? I sure hope that I have. 

Did we ever go on a trip? I hope that we did and that we had an awesome time!

I hope I told you how much it takes for me to say the ‘L’ word, and I don’t mean leprechaun. Although, they are pretty cool.

I’m sure that (and I can say this now, because, well… this is for the future) from early on that I did start … (L)ing you. I probably did, because I’m sure that you are amazing.

I hope that we do couple type things like, walking along the beach holding hands. I hope that we write each other letters. (because I think that’s the sweetest thing ever) I hope that when you are sick I can be there to take care of you. Cook you food. And cuddle you whilst you’re sleeping.

And lastly, I hope that we haven’t lost our sarcastic banter. Because, just wouldn’t that be a shame!

Till then, I hope that you are well. I hope that you are creating and shaping the amazing person that you will become.

And when it’s time for us. We will be perfect.

I hope we meet soon,

Your future girlfriend.
xxx