Taming My Mind.

Dear Journal,

Its been such a long time since I’ve written in this section of the blog.

I guess in many ways I felt as though it was a bit redundant, irrelevant almost. Being in recovery brings thoughts and questions of “How on earth did I ever feel that low?!”

Over the past two months, I’ve been working closely with my therapist and my doctor to reduce my medication. There are a couple of reasons for this:

No.1: I don’t want to take medication anymore. I want to see how I can cope without it. I want to see how I am, unmediated.

No.2: the boyfriend and I have talked about trying for a baby towards the end of the year. There are too many risks during pregnancy being on these tablets. Plus, I want to breastfeed.

Anyway, back to the point, the medication has to be reduced twice more before I will be medication free. I’m told it will take another 3 months, which isn’t that long to be honest.

Recently, I have been struggling though. A lot more than I have done in the past year. Admittedly, there are many factors as to what is contributing to this. A couple of weeks ago I had an operation on my foot. I am unable to work. (Big big knockdown for me) and no gym. Also massive knockdown. I am stressed to the max.

Yesterday I admitted to my boyfriend that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. In that moment, I really did mean it. Although upon reflection, I know that’s not how i truly feel. I’m just struggling and drowning and I can’t seem to drag myself out of this pit that just seems to be getting deeper and deeper.

I know that its going to be okay. I know that when I look back at these past few days in a few months time I will congratulate myself for pushing through. I just know it! It’s just at this moment in time, I don’t see the light. It’s just dark.

But that’s okay.

Tomorrow, it’s a new day. New beginning. New things to achieve. And new goals to set.

Until then, enjoy the rest of your evening.

Much love,

Hannah x

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Monday Must Have.

Processed with VSCO with hb2 presetToday I want to share something that I’m using more and more. A dry wipe board. Honestly, it’s probably one of the best things that I’ve bought. I bought it for about ten pounds from Amazon sometime last year and I’ve been using it pretty much all of the time.

Myself and my partner use it every week. We use it to keep track of meals, work hours, birthdays and other things to remember. It’s been a great tool for us to organise our time better. My partner tends to work a lot and his hours can be quite spread out, using this board allows us to plan when we will be eating dinner together, when we will have free time to do things together and more.

It’s a life saver! And it’s an organisers dream product! I would strongly advise anyone to get one. It makes everyday tasks and organisation so simple and a lot less stressful.

Let me know if you use anything similar to organise your time.

– Hannah ❤

I Have News.

Dear Journal,

Ready?

I have a job. I’m so happy! I hate not having a job. A job makes me feel like I have a purpose, a responsibility.

I have always wanted to work in a coffee shop and now I’ve got the chance to experience that coffee barista life.

Tomorrow is my last day training then I will be hopefully starting paid shifts from next Monday.

I have a busy few days after tomorrow, I’m hoping to be filming what I get up to.

Check out my new video over on my YouTube channel 🙂

I hope you’re all having a great week.

– Hannah ❤

How Journaling is Helping My Recovery.

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In the past, my previous therapists have always suggested that I keep a journal. I’ve kept a journal on and off for about 13 years. During a bad patch last year I decided that having those journals were holding me back from becoming the person that I wanted to be, so I made the decision to burn them.

This month I decided that I would start to use the journal that my sister had bought me. Only when I fill in the pages now, I don’t use the same format that I have used previously. I just found that writing about my day and how I feel wasn’t that helpful for me.

I decided that I would pick a moment before I go to bed, maybe light a candle or two and reflect on the day. I would write down all of the positives that I could think of that happened during the day. I always find that if I have a bad day, I tend to dwell on the fact that it was a bad day and allow it to consume me.

I don’t allow myself to write those thoughts down. I try and just focus on the good things that I have happened that day!

This is really working for me right now. 😀

Do you keep a journal?

– Hannah ❤

An Active Approach To Positive Thinking.

Hello lovelies!

I hope you’re having a fantastic weekend so far. I just wanted to come on here and just share a few things with you.

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Since the start of January I’ve started keeping a positive journal. It’s similar to the positive note jars that I have, however I find that keeping my positives like this is a much better way of expressing how I feel.

I’m a huge believer in daily affirmations! For me, to write down everyday positive things from my days forces me to see how positive even a ‘bad day’ was.

I find that when I have a bad day I tend to let it consume me. (Which is something that is easy to do) However, this year I had decided to take a more hands on approach.

Instead off falling asleep having feeling like I’ve had the worst day, I force myself to get my journal out and start picking my day apart. So far it’s working very well for me. I told my therapist about it last Monday, she agrees that it’s a great thing for my recovery process.

How do you deal with negative thoughts? Do you keep a positive journal?

– Hannah

I Want To Be Okay.

Dear Journal,

The past few days have been quite productive. I’ve certainly had ups and downs.

As I’m writing this I’ve found myself getting very paranoid and very emotional. I worry that I’m not enough. I worry that I will never overcome depression. I worry that I will never overcome how I feel. I worry that this will forever be my life. It’s difficult because today has been so productive and positive, but now, I find myself feeling like this. I feel empty and lonely!

I feel like I don’t want to be here. It’s crazy as earlier I found myself smiling; genuinely smiling. I was happy! I was planning what I will do tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I was thinking about the future. I was thinking about how great it would be to get married and have children.

Right now all I can think about is this moment.

I want to be okay.

I want to feel alive.

I want to feel free.

So now, I will pick myself up and begin to plan my trip tomorrow. I’m sure I will be okay. I’m going to watch Netflix. I’m going to charge my camera and pack my bag.

When that’s done, I will climb into bed, light my candle and read some of my book.

Goodnight. I hope you’ve had a great Monday.

– Hannah ❤

Monday Thoughts.

Dear Journal,

It’s been a while. I feel like I start every journal post saying this… I should post more often! Things have been pretty up and down. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to maintain my mood.

Work has been okay. Could be better though if I’m honest. Everyday is the same, I put my makeup on and paint a smile on my face and do my best to get through the shift. I do often wonder if thats what the rest of my life will be like. Makeup to cover the dark circles, coffee to give me energy and a bright pink smile to stop people from asking the dreaded “are you okay?” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I hate being asked if I’m okay. It’s just I feel that it’s just a ‘same shit different day’ kind of thing. Why keep rehashing the same story?

So my reply is, yeah I’m good thanks, you? (It seems like the easiest response)

Some days have been great. Some days I’ve done my shift at work and gone to the gym. Or I’ve tidied and organised my stuff at home. Or I would consciously take an evening off and have a self-care night.

But then there are the days where even breathing takes too much energy and it seems like it would be much easier just to sleep. One moment I can feel like I have so many options and opportunities right in front of me. Then in the next moment, I can feel like I’m carrying a million and one problems on my shoulders; and I convince myself that my life just isn’t worth living anymore.

Of course (well mostly anyway) I know that sentence may sound a tad dramatic. But honestly, some days, thats just how I feel. I don’t see the positive things that I have in my life.

Today has been a semi-positive day. I’m writing, thats a positive. I did some origami earlier, thats a positive.

I have a lot planned for tomorrow including an appointment with my care co-ordinator to discuss the next stages of my treatment as well as a discussion about seeing the psychiatrist again. I’m also seeing my friend in the afternoon. So it should be a pretty positive day.

What do you have planned for this coming week?

– Hannah ❤

Giving Up.

Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm. 


Dear Journal,

I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.

But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel. 

Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.

I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.

But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.

The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.

I want everything to be okay.

To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.

As always, thank you for reading ❤

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Make It Count.

Dear Journal,

This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.

There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.

Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.

Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤

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By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*

A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.

When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.

He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.

But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.

I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.

I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.

He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.

But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.

I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.

In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.

He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.

So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.

I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart. 

I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.

I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.”

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