Giving Up.

Going to put a mild trigger warning for anyone who doesn’t want to read about self-harm. 


Dear Journal,

I really want to write a positive post. I feel as though I’ve written so many negative ones recently. The truth is, I’m not in a good place. I’m not sure why exactly I feel like this. I have so many lovely people in my life. Most of which are there for me most of the day and night. I’m doing well at my job. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I can afford tea and food and other luxury items.

But I feel depressed. Yet happy at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does, but that’s how I feel. 

Today I did really well. For the first time since I started self harming again, I actually stopped myself from doing it this morning. I forced myself to get up and eat breakfast. I had a cup of tea and watched some YouTube.

I forced myself to go to the gym. I was anxious about going because of my arm. I mean no one can see it as I was wearing a long sleeved workout top. The workout was great. Today I’ve been so productive. I walked the puppy and ate three meals.

But now, my mood is sinking. And what makes it worse is, I can’t stop it. I’ve been sat in my room crying for the past hour trying to stop myself from self harming because I know that will just make me more angry at myself.

The bottom line is, I don’t like myself. And I don’t want to be here. I have had enough of feeling like this. I feel in pain.

I want everything to be okay.

To the friends that will read this, I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I’m sorry that I’ve been snappy at you recently. I’m really not myself. Hopefully someday I will be fixed. But for now, I think I should just hold on tight.

As always, thank you for reading ❤

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Make It Count.

Dear Journal,

This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.

There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.

Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.

Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤

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By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*

A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.

When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.

He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.

But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.

I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.

I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.

He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.

But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.

I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.

In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.

He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.

So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.

I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart. 

I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.

I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.”

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I Will Miss You.

Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk about something that is very… tragic and unexpected. Death has always been something that scares me, I guess it’s the same for a lot of people. I mean, it’s a very morbid and scary thing to think about.

Death puts life into prospective. It makes us realise just how short our lives really are. It makes us understand that we should appreciate the people and the things that we have in our lives. We don’t live forever and we should love and appreciate the things we have now before it’s too late.

Yesterday afternoon I received a text from one my friends in South Korea. I used to live in a small countryside town and there was a group of foreign teachers who used to get together from time to time.

She texted me saying that one of our friends had died. She had to be joking I told myself. But why would she joke about that? My heart sunk. I just didn’t understand, I still don’t understand. He was one of the people I said goodbye to before I left Korea. We were drinking at the usual bar the last time I saw him. Before I left he told me about his plans to continue traveling and he suggested a long list of places I should visit. He hugged me and told me to ‘do what makes me happy’ as after all, this is my life. 

But now, he’s gone. 

I send my deepest condolences to his family and friends. Jake was an incredible person. He was always so cool and calm. He made me laugh. I loved listening to his stories about traveling. I always hoped I could be as carefree as him.

Maybe someday, I will get to visit all of those places he suggested.

Jake, I will truly miss you. ❤

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A Full Detox.

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Dear Journal,

This week I feel like I’m really struggling, and it’s only Tuesday! I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed and I’m letting stuff get on top of me. I’m behind on my upload schedule for this blog and it’s starting to really stress me out.

Today is my second day off work. I’m glad to be heading back to work tomorrow morning. I look forward to having more of a structured routine.

For the past few weeks I’ve had a lot on my mind. Some of which I’ve written about on here, and some that I’ve kept to myself. I plan on sharing the other stuff very soon, I’m just not ready to write about it yet. 

I’m going to need to take a break for a while. I need to take some time to focus on myself away from the internet and social media. I find that social media often enhances my insecurities and brings my mood down. Right now I’m not in the right place to be on social media. I’m doing well, I just need time to build my self-confidence and prove to myself that I’ve got this.

I will be disconnecting myself from the internet until next Monday morning. I will be having a full cyber detox and hopefully I will feel a lot better after doing so.

If I don’t message you back, don’t panic. I’m alive. 

I plan on working on some blog posts. I’m going to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of appointments this week. I’ve got work. And of course, the gym.

Love you all lots and lots. See you on Monday. ❤

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A Weekend To Myself.

Dear Journal,

This evening I want to talk to you about my weekend. Last Thursday my mum told me that my family were going away. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go as I was working all weekend. So that meant that I had the entire house to myself. At first, I was super excited, I could have some ‘me’ time. I hadn’t really been by myself for any length of time since I lived in South Korea last year.

Once Friday came around I started feeling a bit apprehensive. Once I had finished work, I headed straight to the gym. Then I headed straight home.

For about a month and a half now I’ve been seriously thinking about moving out into an apartment by myself. Sometimes I miss living by myself. I really like having my own space. 

After reflecting on this weekend, I don’t think I’m quite ready to move out by myself just yet. For the past two nights I’ve not slept well. I’ve barely eaten and I’ve just been generally quite anxious. Having said all of that, I’m proud that I got through this weekend. Nothing bad happened and I made it through.

For people who deal with anxiety and depression being left alone can be quite a challenge. It was a challenge, I’m not going to pretend that it was really easy. I mean, I think it helped so much that I worked both days. It took my mind off things. Evenings are often the worst, so I made sure that I kept myself busy and I went to bed early.

I’m a big believer in rewarding yourself if you do something that you found difficult. So this afternoon after work I headed into town and bought myself a new lipstick from NYX. I love it. It’s such a pretty pink. A girl can never have too many lipsticks.

Overall I’m proud of myself for getting through this weekend. ❤

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P.S. How was your weekend?

 

 

Learning To Love Myself.

Dear Journal,

Over the past couple of weeks I feel that I’ve been making so much self improvement. I’ve been working out most days. And today, I gathered my courage and attended a yoga and balance class at my local gym. I’m so proud of myself for going and putting myself out there. The trainer was lovely, as were all the other people there.

I will be definitely attending the class again. I cannot believe how much progress I’m making. I’m finally learning how to do things for myself. I’m not worrying about what will make other people happy as much as I was. The truth is, someone told me last week that I need to be more selfish. I agree, however I think being selfish can be good as long as it doesn’t hurt the people that you love.

As well as exercising, I’ve also being riding my bike to work on the days that I have to be at work before 7am. I’ve also been keeping up with my reading, eating healthily and keeping in touch with friends.

When I returned from South Korea in November 2016 I was in a really bad place. I have made so much progress since then. I really did not think that I could feel like this. I’m learning to put myself first. I’m learning to think about myself. I’m learning to do things that make me happy.

Even though I’ve had a few bad days recently, life is good and I cannot wait to see what this week brings.

I hope that you’re having a great week so far ❤

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Post Trip Feelings.

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Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk to you about my weekend away. Last weekend I went away with my family. As soon as I left work on Friday afternoon I headed straight home and got ready to start the weekend.

I was especially excited to go away. I felt that it would be a great opportunity to recharge. And I was not wrong. The weekend was great. I had a fantastic time!

I didn’t schedule my time. I didn’t get stressed about not planning my day. I didn’t set any alarms. I spent my time writing new blog posts and reading. It was the most relaxing weekend ever!

I’m glad that I went and not having the internet for the entire time was refreshing too. I mean, I love the internet, but I think sometimes I just need time away from it all. I was back at work today but I was feeling incredibly relaxed and I’ve had a fantastic day.

I find it especially hard to just switch off and relax without getting really anxious about the possibility of ‘wasting valuable time’… but this weekend. I did it! I ACTUALLY DID IT. I’m so proud of myself. I finally feeling like I’m making so much progress with bettering myself into the person I want to be.

I hope you had a fantastic weekend too! ❤

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Don’t Stop Believing.

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Dear Journal,

For the past couple of days I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I look at the people around me. I look at where I am. I look at where I’ve been and what I’ve done this past year. I look at the person I’ve become.

When I returned to England a few months ago, I was heartbroken. I was on the edge of a breakdown. Not because I left South Korea. And not because I left my friends behind. And certainly not because I was returning to England. I was heartbroken because I felt like I had lost myself. I didn’t recognise this new me.

Returning to England has made me realise how much I’ve changed over the past year or so. It’s made me realise how much I value my family. It’s made me understand how important it is to value yourself.

I have had a tough week. Lots of bad days. I’m currently sick with a cold and I’ve lost my voice. But I’m not going to let that discourage me. I’ve had a fantastic start to 2017. I’m determined for that positive attitude to continue.

I’m going to continue to keep fighting. I’m going to strive to look after and love myself more.

I’m 23 years old and I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do this, because I am strong and determined.

Thank you very much for reading. I hope that you had a lovely weekend. ❤

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Check out the post I uploaded earlier:

5 Ways To Say I Love You

5 Ways To Say I Love You.

With just a couple of days left until Valentines Day I thought that I would write about 5 little ways to tell someone you love them.

Mixtape:

Why not express your feelings through your favourite songs? Make your valentine a mixtape of all the songs that remind you of them.

Origami:

Make your valentine a origami heart. Maybe write a little love note inside too. 🙂

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Jar of Wishes:

This is one of my favourite ideas. Little paper cranes in a glass jar. They look so cute. Just like the origami heart, you can write a special note inside.

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Write your valentine a special letter.

Nothing is better than writing someone you love a letter telling them how you feel about them. You can tell them how much they mean to you and what you love about them.

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Post-it notes:

What a better way to say good morning your valentine than leaving them a post-it for them to find while they get ready.

You can leave post-its anywhere. In the kitchen so they will find it as they make breakfast.

You can leave it in their car so they find it on the way to work.

You can leave it on their phone so they find it when they go to check their phone.

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Will you be doing any of these for your valentine?

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P.S. Check out my GRWM – Valentines Edition