Where Have I Been…?

Dear Journal,

Where have I been? Good question!

I have been… busy. The truth is, things have been pretty bad for me. I’ve been very stressed. My moods have been so up and down. SH is at it’s all time worst. I have been and visited a psychiatrist for the first time a few weeks ago. (they aren’t as scary as my mind made them out to be)

We discussed a possible diagnosis which is currently BPD. (borderline personality disorder) He increased my medication. I’m currently taking 150mg of Venlafaxine. I’m not noticing a huge effect so far, but it’s only been a couple of weeks.

I’m also having nurse visits 3 times a week to monitor my medication, mood and food intake. It’s taking me a little bit of time to get used to it. But it’s much better than the alternative which is going into hospital as an impatient.

I’m currently planning a trip to London in a few weeks with my friend Josh. Check out his blog here: unitedasonevoice.co.uk

I’m currently working on some training books to work towards being a crew trainer at my store which is super positive.

Although things have been tough for the past couple of months. Things are looking more and more positive.

I have so many positive and great things ahead of me over the next 6 months. I have a lot of things to be focusing on.

Here are some things that are inspiring me to get up in the morning:

  • My friends
  • My Book
  • My family
  • My future job prospects
  • Possible return to education
  • Coffee
  • London trip
  • New York at Christmas

These are just some of the positive things I have in my life right now.

Every time I find myself doubting myself. I will look back at this post and remind myself that I have so many amazing people, and so many amazing things in my life. How could I possibly think about ending my life?

How is your week going? ❤

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Taking Back Control.

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Going and telling a complete stranger that something is wrong is no easy task. It takes courage, strength and confidence.

All of which in recent months I have been struggling with.

Yesterday was my first day back at my original store. I was really anxious. I got changed into my uniform and my anxiety was sky high. What if someone asks me about what I did to my arm? I had prepared an excuse. I practiced it in the mirror for the past 5 days. I was as ready as I would ever be.

I kept telling myself that it would be okay and all I had to do was get through these next few hours. I needed to put on a smile and it would soon be over.

I left work early and I made my way to my doctors appointment. I had prepared a solid list of the things that I wanted to discuss. This appointment was incredibly important.

I got sat down. The doctor asked how I was. My immediate response was “yeah, I’m good thank you. How are you?” As soon as the words left my mouth I corrected myself. “Actually no, I’m not okay. Things are really bad. But it’s difficult to talk about. I have a list.”

*Shows list*

We continued talking. Long story short, I will continue taking my current medication. She has referred me a to a psychiatrist. So now I’m waiting. She checked the SH on my arms, it’s all okay. Not infected.

I’m feeling rather positive. Today I worked up the courage to film a video for mental health awareness week. I’m really nervous about uploading it. But I’m proud of myself for getting up and telling my story.

I hope you’re having a great week so far. ❤

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The Road To Recovery.

*** Trigger Warning ***


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I’m going to be talking about a very different topic today. If you are sensitive or easily triggered then I suggest that you view this post with caution.

It’s hard to predict how recovery will progress. Everyone recovers in their own way and at different speeds.

The road to recovery is not a simple one and there certainly isn’t a time limit. Sometimes I think to myself I started having my second course of CBT last November and I finished the sessions a few weeks ago, so why am I not ‘better’. Whatever ‘better’ means. People call me normal. What does that mean? I worry excessively, is that normal? I stop myself from eating to punish myself, is that normal? I panic when I feel out of control of my own life, is that normal? I feel like I cannot get through the day without having an hour by hour structured plan, is that also considered as normal?

Because, I feel far from normal.

I stopped myself from blogging about this so many times. I’m afraid what people will think. I’m scared to be honest. People look at me and say, you look much happier than you did beforeDo I? Are you sure? Because I feel no different!

I’ve always struggled with self harm. I gives me a kind of release that is difficult to describe. Before this week, I had gone 6 months without it. I was so proud of myself. I have had a stressful couple of weeks, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I feel so guilty and angry at myself. How could I do something so stupid?

And when people ask if I’m okay, I answer with a simple, yes. But, I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay last week. I wasn’t okay yesterday and I’m not okay today. This is the lowest I’ve felt in a few months.

Today I wanted to blog about something positive. But the truth is, I don’t feel positive right now. I am not sleeping great. I feel exhausted. I’m not eating much. I feel really fat. I haven’t been to the gym. I’ve not been reading. I have no motivation. Everything is a little bit of a mess.

What I’m coming to realise is that recovery isn’t just a straight line, there are ups and downs. Some weeks are better than others. Some days, life just makes you want to sit and cry. Today is one of those days. 

What I’m told is that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I shouldn’t blame myself. Right now, I don’t believe that at all. I hate myself. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to feel like this. But I have to believe and trust the people that are telling me those things. I have to trust that they care about me.

Today is not a good day. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. Maybe it will be better, I will have to wait and see.

I think some major self care is needed this evening. Maybe a bath and a face mask.

All I can say is, I’m so truly grateful to the people that I have in my life. I’m so grateful for the messages asking how I am. I’m so grateful for the chats. I really am. ❤

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P.S. I would love to hear your recovery story.

I’m Back.

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Hello hello. I’m back. Missed me?

How was your weekend?

Mine was, relaxing to say the least. I got so much reading done. I started reading a new book called Everything Everything. It’s about a girl who can’t leave the house as she will get sick. A new family moved in next door and their teenage son is relentless in finding a way to get to know her. 

Its a very sweet book. I’m halfway through already. I spent some time with my family which was great. I took my cousins child swimming yesterday, it was his first time.

Today I’ve hit the ground running. I’m glad to be back into my normal routine. I got up fairly early. I headed straight to the gym. This afternoon I’ve just been focused on getting some writing done. Recently, I’ve been having a lot of inspiration for my book. So I’ve been getting a lot of writing done for that.

I’ve got a day off work tomorrow. I’ve got a lot of appointments to get through. It’s going to be a busy day, but exciting nonetheless.

I hope you have a fantastic week. ❤

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Another Bad Day.

Dear Journal,

I feel like I’ve been having a lot of bad days recently. Today I had the day off work. I decided to do some baking for an upcoming post.

I got up semi early, did some baking then went and put some makeup on. I felt more sluggish than normal and a little run down. I guess I’ve just been really tired.

I walked the dog this morning. Then I did yoga. Usually this lifts my mood, and it did for a while. The towards dinnertime this evening, I started to feel my mood slipping again. I’m really not sure why.

I feel like I’m pushing people away. I’m sure my friends think I don’t want to talk to them, but the truth is, I do. But I don’t know what to say. I want to talk about how I feel. I want them to tell me it’s going to be okay.

I’m just feeling a little bit lost. I just feel like I want to cry. I have therapy tomorrow then I have some things to sort out in town before heading to work in the afternoon. I feel like my whole world is collapsing and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Today is the lowest I’ve felt in a while. I’m guessing this is just a down day.

Thank you so much for reading. I’m so sorry for the negativity. I’m sure I will be back to my positive self in no time. ❤

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P.S. Check back tomorrow for my gratitude post. It’s about where I live. 🙂

#TimeToTalk

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Today is Time To Talk Day. I’m so glad that a day like this is happening. It’s so important for people to talk about mental illness. There is no need for there to be such a stigma regarding mental health. And people certainly shouldn’t feel that they need to hide away and struggle in silence.

Having experienced both depression and anxiety I know just how important it is to talk about how you’re feeling. It also so important to surround yourself with supportive and positive people.

It’s important to surround yourself with people who are there for you, and people who will ask you how you are and what you’ve been up to. You need to surround yourself with people who you can talk to about everything and anything.

Mental illness can often make you feel like everything is your fault and that you can’t do anything right. This is not true, it’s just a symptom of the illness itself.

Mental illness does not define who you are.

You are not your illness.

I would just like to mention a book that I’ve recently started reading ‘Reasons To Stay Alive’ written by Matt Haig. It’s a fantastic book about the real struggles of depression, anxiety and panic disorder. I highly suggest any person who is struggling with those types of things to give the book a read. It’s really insightful. I would also suggest people who have family members, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends who are struggling with mental health to also give it a read. It will offer a great understanding about mental health to better understand your loved one who is experiencing these illnesses.

I hope that you’re having a great day today. If you are, I’m so happy for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. 🙂

If you’re not having a good day and would like to talk to someone. I’m here to listen if you ever would like to talk. Shoot me an e-mail at: Hannah_Agutter@hotmail.co.uk

And remember, you are beautiful and strong. You are not alone and you can get through this. Some days are worse than others, but I promise… everything passes, even the bad days. ❤

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P.S. Also, 7 cups is a fantastic website where you can talk freely to people about how you’re feeling. Please stay safe and reach out if you’re struggling.

Check out some of my MH related posts:

Saying NO to Anxiety

Things I Do When I’m Feeling Down

Beating Those Winter Blues

The Power of Positivity

Be Kind To Yourself, Always