Make It Count.

Dear Journal,

This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.

There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.

Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.

Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤

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I’m Back.

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Hello hello. I’m back. Missed me?

How was your weekend?

Mine was, relaxing to say the least. I got so much reading done. I started reading a new book called Everything Everything. It’s about a girl who can’t leave the house as she will get sick. A new family moved in next door and their teenage son is relentless in finding a way to get to know her. 

Its a very sweet book. I’m halfway through already. I spent some time with my family which was great. I took my cousins child swimming yesterday, it was his first time.

Today I’ve hit the ground running. I’m glad to be back into my normal routine. I got up fairly early. I headed straight to the gym. This afternoon I’ve just been focused on getting some writing done. Recently, I’ve been having a lot of inspiration for my book. So I’ve been getting a lot of writing done for that.

I’ve got a day off work tomorrow. I’ve got a lot of appointments to get through. It’s going to be a busy day, but exciting nonetheless.

I hope you have a fantastic week. ❤

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A Full Detox.

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Dear Journal,

This week I feel like I’m really struggling, and it’s only Tuesday! I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed and I’m letting stuff get on top of me. I’m behind on my upload schedule for this blog and it’s starting to really stress me out.

Today is my second day off work. I’m glad to be heading back to work tomorrow morning. I look forward to having more of a structured routine.

For the past few weeks I’ve had a lot on my mind. Some of which I’ve written about on here, and some that I’ve kept to myself. I plan on sharing the other stuff very soon, I’m just not ready to write about it yet. 

I’m going to need to take a break for a while. I need to take some time to focus on myself away from the internet and social media. I find that social media often enhances my insecurities and brings my mood down. Right now I’m not in the right place to be on social media. I’m doing well, I just need time to build my self-confidence and prove to myself that I’ve got this.

I will be disconnecting myself from the internet until next Monday morning. I will be having a full cyber detox and hopefully I will feel a lot better after doing so.

If I don’t message you back, don’t panic. I’m alive. 

I plan on working on some blog posts. I’m going to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of appointments this week. I’ve got work. And of course, the gym.

Love you all lots and lots. See you on Monday. ❤

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Loving Someone With Anxiety & Depression.

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*** TRIGGER WARNING***

Okay here goes, I’ve thought about writing about this for a while now. But, I’ve always stopped myself. I guess maybe I’m scared of the response this might get, or (most likely) what people will think of me.

When you’re dealing with stress, anxiety or depression, it’s exhausting. It’s like a constant uphill battle. Some days are better than others. And some days are just unbearable. This month I’ve been pretty level with my mood. For those of you who don’t know, I track my daily overall mood using a mood tracker. Green = good. Yellow = So-so. Red = bad. This month I’ve only had one red day, which is pretty good going. Well, up until today anyway.

Loving someone with depression and anxiety can be pretty tough also. What do you do when you receive those texts saying “I feel so down” or “I can’t do this anymore.” ??? It’s hard. What can you do? What is the ‘right’ thing to say? What is the ‘right’ thing to do?

The short answer is, there is no right thing to say or do. Just be there to listen. 

Let me tell you about the past few days. I started feeling much better after my family came back. Read about last weekend here.  I was feeling more relaxed and a little less anxious. I started eating again. But things have slowly been on a downward spiral.

Tuesday: I got discharged from CBT. Yay? Although, I’m scared that I will revert back to how I was, but I’m trying to stay positive. During my last session she told me that she was proud of how much progress I had made. We took a trip down memory lane a little.

When I first started seeing her (November 2016), I had just moved back from South Korea. In fact I had my first session the first week I got back, and I was still severely get lagged.

I had no job.

I was barely eating. The thought of eating made me feel sick. I was scared about putting more weight on. Even though I had lost so much already.

I didn’t exercise.

I didn’t leave the house. I was afraid something awful might happen. The thought of leaving the house triggered bad panic attacks, so I avoided it.

I didn’t speak to my friends. I closed myself off. I didn’t want to bother them with my problems.

I lost my confidence.

I stopped wearing makeup and doing girly things like painting my nails.

I literally did nothing. I wanted to run away. But, you can’t run away from yourself. I felt stuck. I was stuck with this person that I hated. I didn’t want to be me anymore. Why couldn’t I be someone who was so positive? Why couldn’t I be someone who just gets on with things? Why couldn’t I be a person who didn’t freak out every time something unexpected happened? In CBT I’ve been learning to love myself, or like myself more I guess. I’ve been learning to look after myself more. And, I’ve been learning how to relax. I overwork and I don’t take breaks, which leads to burning out. Something I know all too well. Now, I have nights where I watch Netflix and eat mini eggs (mostly guilt free) If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. 🙂

It’s not been an easy journey. I do have to work on it everyday. And somedays, I do just crawl into bed feeling exhausted.

I feel lucky that I had my friends and family around me. I don’t know what I would have done without them. But I also feel I should apologise to them. I spent two months crying everyday when I came back from Korea, they didn’t know what to do. They wanted to help, but what can you do for someone who can only help themselves?

Yesterday and today has been a rough couple of days. I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind is constantly worrying about whether people at work think I’m strange because I don’t really talk. Or that I freak out and get orders wrong when I’m feeling anxious. The truth is, I’ve got that many thoughts in my head about lots of different things, the last thing I want to do is talk and ‘put myself out there’ anymore than usual. Sometimes, just getting to work is an achievement in itself.

I went to the gym first thing yesterday morning. The workout did not go well at all. I just didn’t have the energy. Then I had plans with someone from work in the afternoon. I’m scared that they think I’m boring, as I barely spoke. Then after that I went into town and bought myself some new tops. A little retail therapy. But my mood was still sinking. I just wanted to cry and go to bed, so I went home. I skipped dinner, set my alarm and went straight to bed.

I woke up this morning in such bad mood. Work wasn’t bad. I got through it, that’s the main thing. I need to remember to always look at the positives!

Apologies to those people that I haven’t answered, I will reply to your e-mails, messages, tweets and texts just as soon as my mood has lifted. I really do appreciate all of the positive and supportive messages that you’ve all been sending me.

Whether it’s your friend, work colleague, boyfriend, girlfriend, mum, sister, loving someone with anxiety and depression can be stressful all round. It’s hard to know what to do or say. Let them know that they’re safe, and cared for. Let them know that they don’t need to feel insecure or lonely. Just be there when they need you.

I wish I could hug every single person who struggles with this, because it’s not easy. And it does make you just break down and cry. Hell, I cried all the way home from the gym and got into bed this afternoon, I felt so shit and upset. But it does pass, and tomorrow will be better.

As always, I’m here for anyone who wants to talk, vent or cry to. We are all in this together. ❤

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Gratitude Challenge – Someone I Admire.

Having someone you admire or look up to can greatly impact how you motivate yourself. For me at least I like to find someone I can really admire. I find that it motivates me to do my best.

About six months ago I discovered a YouTuber called Kalyn Nicholson. I’m in love with her videos. She’s such a positive person. When I’m feeling low or un-inspired I watch a few of her videos. I love how she perceives life.

Since watching her videos, I’ve been so motivated and inspired to look after myself more. I have started meal prepping my meals. I’ve joined the gym. I’m really starting to accept the person I am.

If you’ve not heard of Kalyn. You can see her videos here. I’m so happy to have found someone I can relate to and admire. ❤ 🙂

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Who do you admire? 

Learning To Love Myself.

Dear Journal,

Over the past couple of weeks I feel that I’ve been making so much self improvement. I’ve been working out most days. And today, I gathered my courage and attended a yoga and balance class at my local gym. I’m so proud of myself for going and putting myself out there. The trainer was lovely, as were all the other people there.

I will be definitely attending the class again. I cannot believe how much progress I’m making. I’m finally learning how to do things for myself. I’m not worrying about what will make other people happy as much as I was. The truth is, someone told me last week that I need to be more selfish. I agree, however I think being selfish can be good as long as it doesn’t hurt the people that you love.

As well as exercising, I’ve also being riding my bike to work on the days that I have to be at work before 7am. I’ve also been keeping up with my reading, eating healthily and keeping in touch with friends.

When I returned from South Korea in November 2016 I was in a really bad place. I have made so much progress since then. I really did not think that I could feel like this. I’m learning to put myself first. I’m learning to think about myself. I’m learning to do things that make me happy.

Even though I’ve had a few bad days recently, life is good and I cannot wait to see what this week brings.

I hope that you’re having a great week so far ❤

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What I Ate + Meal Preparation.

Happy Thursday! How is your week going so far?

I’ve been trying my best to eat healthily and exercise regularly. It’s making me feel much better and I’m really hoping that I manage to continue this cycle.

I want to share with you what I ate yesterday.

Breakfast:

I love love love the Oat So Simple golden syrup! It’s hands down my favourite. 

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Lunch:

I put together a simple salad. I lightly fried the mushrooms and peppers in toasted sesame oil and garlic.

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Dinner:

I made a vegetable cooked dinner with vegetable gravy. It was very delicious!

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Over the past month I have been preparing most of my meals in advance. I’ve tried to do meal prep on Thursdays and Sunday’s. It’s been working out quite well I feel. It’s helped me be more decisive about what I want to eat, as well as helping me cook healthy and balanced meals.

I work a job that changes my shifts every week, so having a solid meal prep schedule helps me keep on top of eating a balanced amount of meals. I’m the sort of person that could quite easily skip meals and not think too much about it. Having a meal plan allows me to work my meals times around my hours at work. The key to keep this going is to stay organised. 

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Do you prepare your meals in advance?

Thank you for reading? ❤

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Sorry Is My Favourite Word.

Dear Journal,

Today has not been great. I’ve been drinking too much coffee, I know that I shouldn’t… It makes me anxious.

Work was hectic and I felt overwhelmed. I swear that my most used words are ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’. I apologise way too much. I apologise for everything, even it’s not my fault. I even find myself apologising for apologising.

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel sad and lonely. The truth is, I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My family, as much as I love them, they don’t understand fully what I mean when I tell them that I feel down or anxious. I have one friend who just gets me. Which is awesome. But I don’t always want to put all of this on her.

I’ve started avoiding people who just tell me to cheer up or “feel better soon”. I don’t want to hear that. I also don’t want to hear that I should go for a walk or meditate, or do yoga. I just want to talk about how I’m feeling. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I apologise for ranting (that’s ironic isn’t it) Now I think I will keep myself occupied by watching Netflix and doing a bit of writing. (secret project 😉 )

Thank you for reading ❤

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Hello February.

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Dear Journal,

Where has this month gone?

I literally got zero sleep last night. I drank a mug of coffee this morning before work and I powered through. I’m so glad that I have two days off now. I have so many blog things I want to get started on for the coming month.

January was pretty great, but I am glad to say goodbye. I’m sure that February will bring some even more awesome things my way.

Yesterday I uploaded a post about February. Read it here 🙂

I’m going to crack on with some yoga. Have a late dinner. Paint my nails. Then get onto planning tomorrow’s shoot. I’m excited! 🙂

How is your week going so far? ❤

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Have a read of some of my latest posts:

Things I’m Loving This January 

Saying NO To Anxiety

Be Kind To Yourself, Always

Goals Are The Key To Motivation

Tomorrow Is A New Day.

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Dear Journal,

The past couple of days have not been great. To be honest, I had a bad day at work yesterday (Saturday). I made a few mistakes. It knocked my confidence which in turn made me feel bad about myself.

I’ve withdrawn myself. I’ve not really spoken to my friends. (Sorry for not answering your messages – I hope that you understand) I needed time by myself. I needed time to think and focus on myself for a while. I had such a great week last week, and I guess I’m a little annoyed at myself for having a down couple of days. “Everybody has bad days.” I need to start taking my own advice. 

Today I spent most of the day in bed watching Gossip Girl and feeling sorry for myself, but that’s okay. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m planning on doing some filming tomorrow. As well as preparing some blog posts for February.

I managed to motivate myself a bit more this evening. I forced myself to eat dinner and spend a little time with my family. After that I did some meal prep for the next few days. Pretty productive evening I would say. 🙂

I hope you’ve all had a great weekend. I will catch up on the backload of comments and messages very soon. Thank you all for your support. ❤

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P.S. Check out my January Favourites. 🙂

Why not check out some of my latest posts:

Things I Do When I’m Feeling Down

Beating Those Winter Blues 

The Power of Positivity 

Saying NO To Anxiety