By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*

A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.

When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.

He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.

But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.

I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.

I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.

He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.

But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.

I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.

In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.

He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.

So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.

I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart. 

I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.

I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.”

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The Power of Positivity.

Dear Journal,

I’ve mentioned this in a previous post, I’m always guilty of paying too much attention to the negatives in my life and dismissing everything positive.

Over the past couple of weeks I have began to change that. Every time something good happens, or I do something that I think I couldn’t do. I write the positive thing on a piece of paper and put it into a jar.

Writing my positives and achievements down on paper allows me to focus on the positive steps that I’ve taken.

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I’ve been having a good week this week. I’ve been motivated, positive and healthy. I’ve been doing yoga most nights. Drinking more water. Eating most meals. Writing in my journal…sometimes haha. It’s made me feel much more optimistic.

When you’re feeling down, stressed or negative I would definitely suggest doing this. It really helps you to see that you have more positive things in your life than you think you do. 

How is your week going so far? ❤

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