Where Have I Been…?

Dear Journal,

Where have I been? Good question!

I have been… busy. The truth is, things have been pretty bad for me. I’ve been very stressed. My moods have been so up and down. SH is at it’s all time worst. I have been and visited a psychiatrist for the first time a few weeks ago. (they aren’t as scary as my mind made them out to be)

We discussed a possible diagnosis which is currently BPD. (borderline personality disorder) He increased my medication. I’m currently taking 150mg of Venlafaxine. I’m not noticing a huge effect so far, but it’s only been a couple of weeks.

I’m also having nurse visits 3 times a week to monitor my medication, mood and food intake. It’s taking me a little bit of time to get used to it. But it’s much better than the alternative which is going into hospital as an impatient.

I’m currently planning a trip to London in a few weeks with my friend Josh. Check out his blog here: unitedasonevoice.co.uk

I’m currently working on some training books to work towards being a crew trainer at my store which is super positive.

Although things have been tough for the past couple of months. Things are looking more and more positive.

I have so many positive and great things ahead of me over the next 6 months. I have a lot of things to be focusing on.

Here are some things that are inspiring me to get up in the morning:

  • My friends
  • My Book
  • My family
  • My future job prospects
  • Possible return to education
  • Coffee
  • London trip
  • New York at Christmas

These are just some of the positive things I have in my life right now.

Every time I find myself doubting myself. I will look back at this post and remind myself that I have so many amazing people, and so many amazing things in my life. How could I possibly think about ending my life?

How is your week going? ❤

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Make It Count.

Dear Journal,

This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.

There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.

Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.

Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤

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My Favourite Personality Trait

Self improvement – Striving for Development 

I’ve wrote about this topic quite a lot on my blog over the past couple of months. I want to constantly be improving myself. I want to constantly be moving forward, trying new things and improving myself.

A few weeks ago someone said to me, for a 23 year old, you’ve ‘done a lot of stuff’. Since then, I’ve been thinking about what they actually meant by that, as in my eyes, I’ve not done ‘enough’. I feel that I should have achieved more by this age.

I guess I’m just too hard on myself for my own good sometimes.

I started to describe my self improvement trait as ‘itchy feet’. I want to be constantly moving. The concept of being ‘fed up’ or doing the same thing just scares the living shit out of me. But with all that being said, I’m also afraid of change. Kind of ironic isn’t it?

I just don’t like ‘standing still’ metaphorically speaking. There has to be a purpose. Before I went to South Korea, I worked a crappy job but it was all with a purpose in mind. I worked and worked and worked to save money to move away. And I did it.

This is my favourite personality trait. I like this about myself. I always want more. I don’t want to settle. I always want to keep striving for new experiences.

What is your favourite personality trait? 

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A Full Detox.

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Dear Journal,

This week I feel like I’m really struggling, and it’s only Tuesday! I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed and I’m letting stuff get on top of me. I’m behind on my upload schedule for this blog and it’s starting to really stress me out.

Today is my second day off work. I’m glad to be heading back to work tomorrow morning. I look forward to having more of a structured routine.

For the past few weeks I’ve had a lot on my mind. Some of which I’ve written about on here, and some that I’ve kept to myself. I plan on sharing the other stuff very soon, I’m just not ready to write about it yet. 

I’m going to need to take a break for a while. I need to take some time to focus on myself away from the internet and social media. I find that social media often enhances my insecurities and brings my mood down. Right now I’m not in the right place to be on social media. I’m doing well, I just need time to build my self-confidence and prove to myself that I’ve got this.

I will be disconnecting myself from the internet until next Monday morning. I will be having a full cyber detox and hopefully I will feel a lot better after doing so.

If I don’t message you back, don’t panic. I’m alive. 

I plan on working on some blog posts. I’m going to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of appointments this week. I’ve got work. And of course, the gym.

Love you all lots and lots. See you on Monday. ❤

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Loving Someone With Anxiety & Depression.

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*** TRIGGER WARNING***

Okay here goes, I’ve thought about writing about this for a while now. But, I’ve always stopped myself. I guess maybe I’m scared of the response this might get, or (most likely) what people will think of me.

When you’re dealing with stress, anxiety or depression, it’s exhausting. It’s like a constant uphill battle. Some days are better than others. And some days are just unbearable. This month I’ve been pretty level with my mood. For those of you who don’t know, I track my daily overall mood using a mood tracker. Green = good. Yellow = So-so. Red = bad. This month I’ve only had one red day, which is pretty good going. Well, up until today anyway.

Loving someone with depression and anxiety can be pretty tough also. What do you do when you receive those texts saying “I feel so down” or “I can’t do this anymore.” ??? It’s hard. What can you do? What is the ‘right’ thing to say? What is the ‘right’ thing to do?

The short answer is, there is no right thing to say or do. Just be there to listen. 

Let me tell you about the past few days. I started feeling much better after my family came back. Read about last weekend here.  I was feeling more relaxed and a little less anxious. I started eating again. But things have slowly been on a downward spiral.

Tuesday: I got discharged from CBT. Yay? Although, I’m scared that I will revert back to how I was, but I’m trying to stay positive. During my last session she told me that she was proud of how much progress I had made. We took a trip down memory lane a little.

When I first started seeing her (November 2016), I had just moved back from South Korea. In fact I had my first session the first week I got back, and I was still severely get lagged.

I had no job.

I was barely eating. The thought of eating made me feel sick. I was scared about putting more weight on. Even though I had lost so much already.

I didn’t exercise.

I didn’t leave the house. I was afraid something awful might happen. The thought of leaving the house triggered bad panic attacks, so I avoided it.

I didn’t speak to my friends. I closed myself off. I didn’t want to bother them with my problems.

I lost my confidence.

I stopped wearing makeup and doing girly things like painting my nails.

I literally did nothing. I wanted to run away. But, you can’t run away from yourself. I felt stuck. I was stuck with this person that I hated. I didn’t want to be me anymore. Why couldn’t I be someone who was so positive? Why couldn’t I be someone who just gets on with things? Why couldn’t I be a person who didn’t freak out every time something unexpected happened? In CBT I’ve been learning to love myself, or like myself more I guess. I’ve been learning to look after myself more. And, I’ve been learning how to relax. I overwork and I don’t take breaks, which leads to burning out. Something I know all too well. Now, I have nights where I watch Netflix and eat mini eggs (mostly guilt free) If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. 🙂

It’s not been an easy journey. I do have to work on it everyday. And somedays, I do just crawl into bed feeling exhausted.

I feel lucky that I had my friends and family around me. I don’t know what I would have done without them. But I also feel I should apologise to them. I spent two months crying everyday when I came back from Korea, they didn’t know what to do. They wanted to help, but what can you do for someone who can only help themselves?

Yesterday and today has been a rough couple of days. I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind is constantly worrying about whether people at work think I’m strange because I don’t really talk. Or that I freak out and get orders wrong when I’m feeling anxious. The truth is, I’ve got that many thoughts in my head about lots of different things, the last thing I want to do is talk and ‘put myself out there’ anymore than usual. Sometimes, just getting to work is an achievement in itself.

I went to the gym first thing yesterday morning. The workout did not go well at all. I just didn’t have the energy. Then I had plans with someone from work in the afternoon. I’m scared that they think I’m boring, as I barely spoke. Then after that I went into town and bought myself some new tops. A little retail therapy. But my mood was still sinking. I just wanted to cry and go to bed, so I went home. I skipped dinner, set my alarm and went straight to bed.

I woke up this morning in such bad mood. Work wasn’t bad. I got through it, that’s the main thing. I need to remember to always look at the positives!

Apologies to those people that I haven’t answered, I will reply to your e-mails, messages, tweets and texts just as soon as my mood has lifted. I really do appreciate all of the positive and supportive messages that you’ve all been sending me.

Whether it’s your friend, work colleague, boyfriend, girlfriend, mum, sister, loving someone with anxiety and depression can be stressful all round. It’s hard to know what to do or say. Let them know that they’re safe, and cared for. Let them know that they don’t need to feel insecure or lonely. Just be there when they need you.

I wish I could hug every single person who struggles with this, because it’s not easy. And it does make you just break down and cry. Hell, I cried all the way home from the gym and got into bed this afternoon, I felt so shit and upset. But it does pass, and tomorrow will be better.

As always, I’m here for anyone who wants to talk, vent or cry to. We are all in this together. ❤

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A Weekend To Myself.

Dear Journal,

This evening I want to talk to you about my weekend. Last Thursday my mum told me that my family were going away. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go as I was working all weekend. So that meant that I had the entire house to myself. At first, I was super excited, I could have some ‘me’ time. I hadn’t really been by myself for any length of time since I lived in South Korea last year.

Once Friday came around I started feeling a bit apprehensive. Once I had finished work, I headed straight to the gym. Then I headed straight home.

For about a month and a half now I’ve been seriously thinking about moving out into an apartment by myself. Sometimes I miss living by myself. I really like having my own space. 

After reflecting on this weekend, I don’t think I’m quite ready to move out by myself just yet. For the past two nights I’ve not slept well. I’ve barely eaten and I’ve just been generally quite anxious. Having said all of that, I’m proud that I got through this weekend. Nothing bad happened and I made it through.

For people who deal with anxiety and depression being left alone can be quite a challenge. It was a challenge, I’m not going to pretend that it was really easy. I mean, I think it helped so much that I worked both days. It took my mind off things. Evenings are often the worst, so I made sure that I kept myself busy and I went to bed early.

I’m a big believer in rewarding yourself if you do something that you found difficult. So this afternoon after work I headed into town and bought myself a new lipstick from NYX. I love it. It’s such a pretty pink. A girl can never have too many lipsticks.

Overall I’m proud of myself for getting through this weekend. ❤

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P.S. How was your weekend?

 

 

Life Update.

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Dear Journal,

I feel like it’s been ages since I uploaded so I thought I would just check in and give you guys a little update.

A lot of things in my life have been changing recently. I would like to share with you some of the changes that I’ve been making to my life.

I’ve joined the gym.
Actually I joined a few weeks ago and I’ve been really enjoying it. It’s probably the best thing I’ve down in a long time. Last week I went Monday-Friday and I took Saturday and Sunday off. And this week I went Monday and Tuesday after work. I had a day off today (Wednesday) so I went to a yoga class this morning. It was so difficult, but I felt so refreshed afterwards. I have a day off tomorrow (Thursday) too. I will go to the gym in the morning then see one of my best friends. She’s just had a little baby boy, I’m excited to meet him. 

I feel that going to the gym is really building my confidence and it’s really helping to keep my mood more level. I’ve always been quite body conscious and going to the gym is really helping with that. It’s making me feel better about myself.

I usually work early shifts at work so I’ve been going to work, then as soon as I’ve finished work I go to the gym. I spend about two hours there before going home.

As well as joining the gym, I’ve also started writing a book. (Actually, I started writing it a couple of months ago, but I’ve been working on it a lot recently) I’ve been filling my time and life with lots of positive things.

I feel like I’m learning how to listen to my body more. If I’m hungry, I eat. If I’m tired, I sleep. If I feel stressed, I stop what I’m doing and do something relaxing. I understand that these are such simplistic things to understand, but for me it’s something I really struggle with. I’m really learning how to care for myself more.

I’m proud of the progress I’ve been making with myself. I have not been sticking to my upload schedule which is starting to stress me out a little. I’ve got a lot going on at the moment as my work hours keep getting earlier and earlier. But I will figure it out. So my uploads are going to be a bit delayed for the next few weeks or so.

I hope that you understand.

I will return to my regular uploading schedule very soon. ❤

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P.S. What have you been up to?

Learning To Love Myself.

Dear Journal,

Over the past couple of weeks I feel that I’ve been making so much self improvement. I’ve been working out most days. And today, I gathered my courage and attended a yoga and balance class at my local gym. I’m so proud of myself for going and putting myself out there. The trainer was lovely, as were all the other people there.

I will be definitely attending the class again. I cannot believe how much progress I’m making. I’m finally learning how to do things for myself. I’m not worrying about what will make other people happy as much as I was. The truth is, someone told me last week that I need to be more selfish. I agree, however I think being selfish can be good as long as it doesn’t hurt the people that you love.

As well as exercising, I’ve also being riding my bike to work on the days that I have to be at work before 7am. I’ve also been keeping up with my reading, eating healthily and keeping in touch with friends.

When I returned from South Korea in November 2016 I was in a really bad place. I have made so much progress since then. I really did not think that I could feel like this. I’m learning to put myself first. I’m learning to think about myself. I’m learning to do things that make me happy.

Even though I’ve had a few bad days recently, life is good and I cannot wait to see what this week brings.

I hope that you’re having a great week so far ❤

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A Day In My Life.

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Today I wanted to share a typical day in my life with you. I currently work a job that is based around shifts, and my shifts change every week.

Recently I’ve been having a lot of early shifts, which are perfect for me! I love getting early shifts. I find that if I get up early the rest of my day just falls into place. I’m much more productive.

5:50am: Get up and get ready. Unfortunately I’m not allowed to wear makeup for work, so my morning routine is pretty simplistic. Which I guess is a good thing as it doesn’t take much time for me to get ready.

6am: Make a cup of tea and breakfast. I’ve been eating porridge with a banana. 

6:10am: Leave the house.

6:25am: Get on the bus.

7am – 2pm: At work.

2:10pm: Walk to the shops. I usually do food shopping on Thursday and Sunday’s as they’re the days I do meal prep. I try to change my meals up every week, it stops me from getting bored of the same thing. 

3pm: Get on the bus to go home.

3:30pm: Go home and take a shower. Probably have a cup of tea. 

4pm: Walk the puppy.

4:15pm: Blog post planning.

5:30pm: Eat dinner

6pm: Do yoga

6:30pm: Blog post writing.

9pm: Watch Netflix/YouTube

10pm: Go to bed. Probably read.

11pm: Go to sleep.

So that’s pretty much it. This is what I tend to do most days. ❤

I like to keep a strong routine, I found that as soon as I start breaking my routine, that’s when my mood seems to be effected. I’ve also started shutting off all social media and internet (except YouTube and Netflix) after 9-9:30pm. I’ve found that this allows my mind to switch off and relax.

How about you? What is your routine like?

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Post Trip Feelings.

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Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk to you about my weekend away. Last weekend I went away with my family. As soon as I left work on Friday afternoon I headed straight home and got ready to start the weekend.

I was especially excited to go away. I felt that it would be a great opportunity to recharge. And I was not wrong. The weekend was great. I had a fantastic time!

I didn’t schedule my time. I didn’t get stressed about not planning my day. I didn’t set any alarms. I spent my time writing new blog posts and reading. It was the most relaxing weekend ever!

I’m glad that I went and not having the internet for the entire time was refreshing too. I mean, I love the internet, but I think sometimes I just need time away from it all. I was back at work today but I was feeling incredibly relaxed and I’ve had a fantastic day.

I find it especially hard to just switch off and relax without getting really anxious about the possibility of ‘wasting valuable time’… but this weekend. I did it! I ACTUALLY DID IT. I’m so proud of myself. I finally feeling like I’m making so much progress with bettering myself into the person I want to be.

I hope you had a fantastic weekend too! ❤

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