Nobody Said It Will Be Easy.

Dear Journal,

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks so far this year. At the beginning of the week I had a bit of a problem at work. I have been extra agitated and it’s caused quite a bit of friction between the people that I work with.

I’ve been working on getting myself back into recovery. It’s not an easy concept for me to get my head around. Because even though a person might be in recovery, it doesn’t mean that that person won’t have bad/down days. As down days are a normal part of life. When can I start to class myself as in recovery? 

First, I would like to talk about self harm. I’m actually quite proud of myself, today is day 4 of not doing it. I know, 4 days doesn’t sound like that long. When I think back to last month when I was doing it about 3 times a day, to go from that to not doing it for 4 days, it’s quite an achievement! Yesterday and today have been extremely stressful days, both at work and at home. When I finished work yesterday I decided that I would go to the gym. It helped a great deal with my mood.

When I think about recovery. I think about the things I want to work on. The traits or behaviours that I want to change. It’s no secret that I don’t like (hate) myself. It’s certainly no secret that at times (even as recent as this week) I have simply just not wanted to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I don’t want to have those dark thoughts, where I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t want to be ashamed to be me.
I want to be okay with not watching what I eat.
I want to be okay with not planning every hour of my day.
I want to be okay with having time to just relax.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be someone people can rely on.
I want to inspire others.
I want hope.
I want love, happiness and success.
I want to believe in myself.

This week I have been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about my future and the direction in which I see my life going.

Part of me wants to move down to London and try and get a job within the media industry. Part of me wants to continue working here and go to university in September to study business management.

But then there is another part of me that just says “Hannah. No. You can’t do it.” Or, “You are not capable to do it.” But that is the voice I have to ignore. Recovery is not a straight line. There are ups and downs. There are tough days and there are good days. But as bad as the bad days get, things will always get better.

On Tuesday afternoon I really did feel like I had hit rock bottom, it felt as though things just couldn’t get any worse and that I wouldn’t ever feel ‘better’ again.

Recovery isn’t easy, but it is possible. I will be okay. I am capable. I am worthy of love. I can do this. My friends do like me. Depression doesn’t make me weak. I do believe in myself. I can succeed. I can learn to love myself. And things will be okay.

Today is just a bad day. Tomorrow, I’m sure will be better.

How has your week been? ❤

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Where Have I Been…?

Dear Journal,

Where have I been? Good question!

I have been… busy. The truth is, things have been pretty bad for me. I’ve been very stressed. My moods have been so up and down. SH is at it’s all time worst. I have been and visited a psychiatrist for the first time a few weeks ago. (they aren’t as scary as my mind made them out to be)

We discussed a possible diagnosis which is currently BPD. (borderline personality disorder) He increased my medication. I’m currently taking 150mg of Venlafaxine. I’m not noticing a huge effect so far, but it’s only been a couple of weeks.

I’m also having nurse visits 3 times a week to monitor my medication, mood and food intake. It’s taking me a little bit of time to get used to it. But it’s much better than the alternative which is going into hospital as an impatient.

I’m currently planning a trip to London in a few weeks with my friend Josh. Check out his blog here: unitedasonevoice.co.uk

I’m currently working on some training books to work towards being a crew trainer at my store which is super positive.

Although things have been tough for the past couple of months. Things are looking more and more positive.

I have so many positive and great things ahead of me over the next 6 months. I have a lot of things to be focusing on.

Here are some things that are inspiring me to get up in the morning:

  • My friends
  • My Book
  • My family
  • My future job prospects
  • Possible return to education
  • Coffee
  • London trip
  • New York at Christmas

These are just some of the positive things I have in my life right now.

Every time I find myself doubting myself. I will look back at this post and remind myself that I have so many amazing people, and so many amazing things in my life. How could I possibly think about ending my life?

How is your week going? ❤

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Lies That Depression Tells Me.

  1. You are NOT good enough.
  2. You are too hard to love.
  3. No-one will ever love or accept you.
  4. You are ugly.
  5. You are fat.
  6. Everyone hates you.
  7. You will fail if you try.
  8. You are crazy.
  9. You are stupid.
  10. Everyone would be better off if you were not here.

Lets go back through that list and change those negatives into positives.

  1. You are MORE than good enough. If the people around you don’t believe that, then you don’t need those people in your life. 
  2. You deserve to be showered with love. In relationships (or friendships) find someone who doesn’t see your battle as a burden. Those people are out there. They will love you for you. 
  3. You WILL find someone out there to love you for you. I promise. When you find that person, never let them leave your life. No matter how many times you try and push them away, they will always come back telling you how much you mean to them. 
  4. You are far from ugly. You will probably never see the beauty in yourself that others seem to see. Take a good look in a mirror and start to list a couple of things that you don’t mind about yourself. Learn to appreciate the features that you have. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. 
  5. You are NOT fat. Everybody has a different shape. Diet and exercise plays a huge part too. You could be ‘fat’, but you know what? A person who has a funny, intelligent and witty personality is all that people will see. 
  6. You can’t please everyone. If someone doesn’t like you, then that’s their problem. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. 
  7. You may fail. But you will learn. Everything is a process. By ‘failing’ you are gaining more knowledge and experience which you can apply when you try again. Failing is essential to progressing. 
  8. Some of the best people in the word are ‘crazy’. Theres nothing wrong with being a little crazy. 
  9. You aren’t stupid. You are maybe just better at other things compared to the other people around you. Embrace the brains that you have. 🙂
  10. Everything about no. 10 is a lie. How would people be better off? I understand this feeling. I have felt it, it’s an overwhelming feeling. But, you need to make your mark on the world. You have your place. You have the power to inspire. You are incredibly strong. Depression has given you this. Use these feeling and knowledge to inspire others. Be the amazing person that I know you are. 

Thank you very much for reading.

My inbox is always open if anybody wants to talk. You are never alone. ❤

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P.S. What lies does depression tell you?

Dear Future BF

Boyfriend! Well, hello!

Firstly, I would like to say that I’m really proud of myself for learning how to open myself up to another person again. I’m sure we have already discussed about ex’s by this point, and as you probably already know, my ex’s have been pretty… shitty, to say the least!

You are probably already aware that I have trust issues and I am highly insecure at times. I’m sure that I brush off all of your compliments like I don’t care. (when secretly, they make me smile)

I still don’t believe them though. I’m working on it. 

I’m sure you are very sweet. Caring. Attentive. I’m sure that you offer me much reassurance. (Again, I’m sure you are aware that I crave it) I’m sure that you listen to me talk for hours and say that you could do it all night. Are you crazy? I’m sure you tell me I look beautiful, even though I think I look like I’ve just been dragged through a bush. Still, your words make me smile.

I’m sure we have had a few ‘hiccups’ during the time we were ‘getting together.’ I’m sure I keep texting you with the same words of “Are we okay?” or “Are you angry?” and I’m sure that your response is “Of course baby.” I hope I’ve told you how much I love it when you call me baby.

I hope I’ve told you how much I appreciate you. And how much I love (yes love) having you in my life. I love your positivity. I love your ambition. Your drive. Your love. And your passion.

I hope I’ve apologised for all the times where I freak out and act crazy. I hope that I’ve said sorry a million times when I’ve caused a fight from something that was all made it up in my mind.

I hope that I’ve told you how much I love it when you smile. And that when you laugh, my heart melts. I hope that I’ve told you how adorable you look when you smile. Or how admirable it is when you talk about your family.

And when we talk about the future. Am I still afraid? The truth is, I’m sure I’m just scared that things won’t work out. And that I will get hurt. Or maybe that I will love you, more than you love me.

I know that you seem confused when I’m sad and I pull away from you. I hope that I reassure you that the reason for this is for self preservation. I don’t want to get hurt. And, I don’t want to hurt you.

Sometimes, I feel like I do need to be alone. To think. Not about us but, general things. You know? Being alone is something that I’ve always struggled with. I mean, I’m better than I was. Have I improved by this point? I sure hope that I have. 

Did we ever go on a trip? I hope that we did and that we had an awesome time!

I hope I told you how much it takes for me to say the ‘L’ word, and I don’t mean leprechaun. Although, they are pretty cool.

I’m sure that (and I can say this now, because, well… this is for the future) from early on that I did start … (L)ing you. I probably did, because I’m sure that you are amazing.

I hope that we do couple type things like, walking along the beach holding hands. I hope that we write each other letters. (because I think that’s the sweetest thing ever) I hope that when you are sick I can be there to take care of you. Cook you food. And cuddle you whilst you’re sleeping.

And lastly, I hope that we haven’t lost our sarcastic banter. Because, just wouldn’t that be a shame!

Till then, I hope that you are well. I hope that you are creating and shaping the amazing person that you will become.

And when it’s time for us. We will be perfect.

I hope we meet soon,

Your future girlfriend.
xxx

Taking Back Control.

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Going and telling a complete stranger that something is wrong is no easy task. It takes courage, strength and confidence.

All of which in recent months I have been struggling with.

Yesterday was my first day back at my original store. I was really anxious. I got changed into my uniform and my anxiety was sky high. What if someone asks me about what I did to my arm? I had prepared an excuse. I practiced it in the mirror for the past 5 days. I was as ready as I would ever be.

I kept telling myself that it would be okay and all I had to do was get through these next few hours. I needed to put on a smile and it would soon be over.

I left work early and I made my way to my doctors appointment. I had prepared a solid list of the things that I wanted to discuss. This appointment was incredibly important.

I got sat down. The doctor asked how I was. My immediate response was “yeah, I’m good thank you. How are you?” As soon as the words left my mouth I corrected myself. “Actually no, I’m not okay. Things are really bad. But it’s difficult to talk about. I have a list.”

*Shows list*

We continued talking. Long story short, I will continue taking my current medication. She has referred me a to a psychiatrist. So now I’m waiting. She checked the SH on my arms, it’s all okay. Not infected.

I’m feeling rather positive. Today I worked up the courage to film a video for mental health awareness week. I’m really nervous about uploading it. But I’m proud of myself for getting up and telling my story.

I hope you’re having a great week so far. ❤

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Make It Count.

Dear Journal,

This week has been incredibly tough. When I woke up this morning, something was different. My mind was different. There wasn’t this ‘black rainy cloud’ suffocating my mind.

There was silence, and calmness. For those of you who know me, my mind is constantly made up of overthinking and ‘what if’s’ and stress. But this morning, I felt focused, and motivated.

Today, I am ready for life. I am ready to move forward. Hell, my mood might be completely different by the end of the day. My moods are so up and down. But right now, my mood is great. And that is what I’m focusing on.

Today is the last day of April. I’m really looking forward to seeing what May will bring. I’m a little behind on post uploads. I’m slowly catching up. Please bear with me whilst I figure everything out. ❤

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Gratitude Challenge: A Talent You Have.

The cynical part of me thinks “I really don’t have any talents”, do I?

But the honest and positive part of me, and the part of me that wants to like myself more says “I do have some talents”. I’m very good at organisation and problem solving.

I am really grateful that I have this talent as it’s also something I really enjoy.

What talents do you have?

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Gratitude Challenge: A Challenge You’ve Overcome.

When I first thought about what I would write about for this post, I was going to write about how I was brave and moved to South Korea by myself. Of course that was such a great thing that I did and experienced. However, recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about some of the other challenges that I’ve overcome.

When I went to the shop with my parents last week I was quite anxious. I thought to myself, “this is strange, why am I anxious?” It’s strange because I haven’t felt anxious going into a shop for a good few years now.

When I was at University I couldn’t bare to go into a shop alone. The thought of going caused that much anxiety and panic that I would end up having a panic attack and talking myself out of going all together. It got to the point, where I would visit my parent’s house for the weekend (every weekend) and I would ask them to take me to the shop. I would do my shopping with them, then I would bring it back on the train. It was such a hassle now that I think back to it.

But now, I manage to go by myself and feel completely fine. I mean, of course I still sometimes have those anxious days, but they’re not as bad. I go to the shop weekly to get food for meal prepping.

This is such a significant challenge that I’ve overcome and I have forgotten to congratulate myself for overcoming it.

I’m really proud of myself for overcoming something that I used to find such a struggle.

What challenges have you overcome? ❤

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I Miss Therapy.

Dear Journal,

The past week has been awful. I haven’t been eating properly, and I know this is why I feel exhausted and have excruciating headaches. But I still can’t bring myself to eat. I’m still punishing myself.

It seems to be a pattern of mine, no eating, sleeping and self harm are all the things I do when I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, or my thoughts.

I miss therapy. Is that an okay thing to say? Without it I feel like I have no direction. I can’t seem to ‘step up’ and take charge of my own life. I’m 23, and where I am now is not where I saw my life going. Come September, I graduated from University 3 years ago. By now, I wanted to be working my way up in the media industry and maybe living in London. Instead, I’m working a shitty 9-5 job, still living at home and struggling to keep my moods level and deciding if I can bring myself to eat that day.

Part of me understands that this is the depression speaking. But another part of me thinks that, I don’t know if I can go on living like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I have a list of things and people, (which I keep next to my bed) this is enough to make myself feel guilty about leaving them behind.

Today I saw a doctor, and quite honestly, it was not the outcome I wanted. I’m really struggling. But I feel that the doctor didn’t quite understand how much. I took a list, as I knew how hard it would be for me to express my thoughts. What I took from that appointment was an upped medication prescription and a phone number for the rapid response team, just in case I’m feeling really down. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, so I think I’m going to rebook and see a different doctor, maybe the one that I normally see.

It’s gone 8pm here. I’m going to try and force myself to eat something. Then answer the messages from people I’ve neglected to get back to. (sorry again) Then I’m going to work out how make some small, but positive changes to my life tomorrow. I refuse to feel this shit tomorrow.

Thank you for reading. I hope you’re having a good day. ❤

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By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*

A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.

When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.

He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.

But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.

I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.

I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.

He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.

But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.

I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.

In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.

He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.

So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.

I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart. 

I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.

I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.”

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