Taking Back Control.

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Going and telling a complete stranger that something is wrong is no easy task. It takes courage, strength and confidence.

All of which in recent months I have been struggling with.

Yesterday was my first day back at my original store. I was really anxious. I got changed into my uniform and my anxiety was sky high. What if someone asks me about what I did to my arm? I had prepared an excuse. I practiced it in the mirror for the past 5 days. I was as ready as I would ever be.

I kept telling myself that it would be okay and all I had to do was get through these next few hours. I needed to put on a smile and it would soon be over.

I left work early and I made my way to my doctors appointment. I had prepared a solid list of the things that I wanted to discuss. This appointment was incredibly important.

I got sat down. The doctor asked how I was. My immediate response was “yeah, I’m good thank you. How are you?” As soon as the words left my mouth I corrected myself. “Actually no, I’m not okay. Things are really bad. But it’s difficult to talk about. I have a list.”

*Shows list*

We continued talking. Long story short, I will continue taking my current medication. She has referred me a to a psychiatrist. So now I’m waiting. She checked the SH on my arms, it’s all okay. Not infected.

I’m feeling rather positive. Today I worked up the courage to film a video for mental health awareness week. I’m really nervous about uploading it. But I’m proud of myself for getting up and telling my story.

I hope you’re having a great week so far. ❤

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Gratitude Challenge: A Talent You Have.

The cynical part of me thinks “I really don’t have any talents”, do I?

But the honest and positive part of me, and the part of me that wants to like myself more says “I do have some talents”. I’m very good at organisation and problem solving.

I am really grateful that I have this talent as it’s also something I really enjoy.

What talents do you have?

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GRWM – England Spring Ed.

It’s Monday, my favourite day of the week. A day for new beginnings. Maybe a new outfit, or two. Maybe a new makeup style, or hair do. Today I wanted to share kind of a different post with you. (I hope that’s okay) I mean, I’ve posted a couple of these types of posts in the past and I really enjoy writing them.

So today I present you with an England (because England is mostly cold) spring edition of GRWM. I hope you enjoy.

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I love wearing dungarees. They are so summery and comfortable.

I tend to feel quite self conscious about my body. But I hope by posting these types of posts I can learn to accept my body for how it is.

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This spring I’m wanting to try wearing different types of clothes. I’m wanting to try different makeup styles.

For this look I have used the Urban Decays Naked 2 Basic Palette. I think I bought this for about £24.

I have used the colour ‘frisk’ all over my eyelid.

‘Primal’ in the crease.

I then took the darkest colour ‘undone’ and used it as a eyeliner and just lined the top lash line.

I then used the colour ‘stark’ and placed that in the inner section of my eye. I blended all the colours together so there is a nice transition between the colours.

Finally I took the colour ‘skimp’ and used it to highlight my brow bone.

I’ve had this palette for about 2 months now. I am IN LOVE with it. This is the palette I use to do my everyday makeup. I look the looks that you can create with it.

As always, thank you for reading. ❤

What is your favourite outfit to wear in Spring?

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By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*

A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.

When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.

He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.

But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.

I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.

I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.

He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.

But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.

I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.

In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.

He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.

So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.

I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart. 

I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.

I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.”

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A Weekend To Myself.

Dear Journal,

This evening I want to talk to you about my weekend. Last Thursday my mum told me that my family were going away. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go as I was working all weekend. So that meant that I had the entire house to myself. At first, I was super excited, I could have some ‘me’ time. I hadn’t really been by myself for any length of time since I lived in South Korea last year.

Once Friday came around I started feeling a bit apprehensive. Once I had finished work, I headed straight to the gym. Then I headed straight home.

For about a month and a half now I’ve been seriously thinking about moving out into an apartment by myself. Sometimes I miss living by myself. I really like having my own space. 

After reflecting on this weekend, I don’t think I’m quite ready to move out by myself just yet. For the past two nights I’ve not slept well. I’ve barely eaten and I’ve just been generally quite anxious. Having said all of that, I’m proud that I got through this weekend. Nothing bad happened and I made it through.

For people who deal with anxiety and depression being left alone can be quite a challenge. It was a challenge, I’m not going to pretend that it was really easy. I mean, I think it helped so much that I worked both days. It took my mind off things. Evenings are often the worst, so I made sure that I kept myself busy and I went to bed early.

I’m a big believer in rewarding yourself if you do something that you found difficult. So this afternoon after work I headed into town and bought myself a new lipstick from NYX. I love it. It’s such a pretty pink. A girl can never have too many lipsticks.

Overall I’m proud of myself for getting through this weekend. ❤

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P.S. How was your weekend?

 

 

Life Update.

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Dear Journal,

I feel like it’s been ages since I uploaded so I thought I would just check in and give you guys a little update.

A lot of things in my life have been changing recently. I would like to share with you some of the changes that I’ve been making to my life.

I’ve joined the gym.
Actually I joined a few weeks ago and I’ve been really enjoying it. It’s probably the best thing I’ve down in a long time. Last week I went Monday-Friday and I took Saturday and Sunday off. And this week I went Monday and Tuesday after work. I had a day off today (Wednesday) so I went to a yoga class this morning. It was so difficult, but I felt so refreshed afterwards. I have a day off tomorrow (Thursday) too. I will go to the gym in the morning then see one of my best friends. She’s just had a little baby boy, I’m excited to meet him. 

I feel that going to the gym is really building my confidence and it’s really helping to keep my mood more level. I’ve always been quite body conscious and going to the gym is really helping with that. It’s making me feel better about myself.

I usually work early shifts at work so I’ve been going to work, then as soon as I’ve finished work I go to the gym. I spend about two hours there before going home.

As well as joining the gym, I’ve also started writing a book. (Actually, I started writing it a couple of months ago, but I’ve been working on it a lot recently) I’ve been filling my time and life with lots of positive things.

I feel like I’m learning how to listen to my body more. If I’m hungry, I eat. If I’m tired, I sleep. If I feel stressed, I stop what I’m doing and do something relaxing. I understand that these are such simplistic things to understand, but for me it’s something I really struggle with. I’m really learning how to care for myself more.

I’m proud of the progress I’ve been making with myself. I have not been sticking to my upload schedule which is starting to stress me out a little. I’ve got a lot going on at the moment as my work hours keep getting earlier and earlier. But I will figure it out. So my uploads are going to be a bit delayed for the next few weeks or so.

I hope that you understand.

I will return to my regular uploading schedule very soon. ❤

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P.S. What have you been up to?

Self Care Sunday.

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Dear Journal,

How was your weekend?

Firstly, I would just like to apologise for not uploading a post last Thursday. I just felt that it wasn’t good enough to upload. I didn’t have the best of weeks last week. I’ve finally gotten over the cold and I’m feeling much better.

I had a day off work on Sunday. I was so happy. I would like to share what I got up to with you.

I got up super early and ate breakfast (I’ve been managing to get my three meals a day in, I’m so proud of myself) then I walked the dog. It was such beautiful day, it’s starting getting a little warmer which is nice. I love the spring weather.

I had a long to-do list to get through so I was glad to be hitting the ground running. I had lots of blog photos to take for March’s uploads. Then I did some post planning as well as some writing for a project I’m working on.

I’ve been remembering to take short breaks in between doing tasks so I don’t get overwhelmed and carried away, so I made time to do some reading and yoga.

After dinner I walked the dog again, then I did some baking. I forgot how much I love baking! Then I took a bath and did a face mask. It was divine! I don’t think I’ve felt that relaxed in a long time.

Thank you so much for reading ❤

What did you get up to at the weekend?

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P.S. Check back tomorrow for a new gratitude post. 🙂