Asking For Help.

Asking for help is something that I’m not particularly good at. I would much rather struggle in silence and pretend that everything is okay rather than reaching out.

To me, (and I would like to make this crystal clear, this ONLY applies to myself) I think that asking for help makes me weak. This is a lie. I think that asking for help makes me look vulnerable, irritating and damn right strange. Again, these are all lies. 

Now, over the years I have sent hundreds of e-mails to people making sure they are okay and offering an ear anytime they want to talk. Each and every time I tell people, reach out and ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak. Asking for help does not mean that you are strange, crazy or attention seeking. It shows that you value yourself. It shows courage and strength.

The past few days have been particularly stressful for me. I took a week off work to go to London. I will get around to writing about that very soon. Returning back to work has been very stressful for me. I’m easily irritated and this can often cause me problems at work. (I’m working on it)

Yesterday, I reached out for help. I called the team that are in charge of the community teams. Its the same group of people that work alongside my psychiatrist. I received a vague answer off them. After my home visits stopped, I got transferred over to a mental health community team, I called them. I had to leave a voicemail as there was no answer. 

So, I turned to Twitter.

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The response was overwhelming. I’m so grateful for the people that follow my blog or follow me on Twitter. You guys have no idea how grateful I am. ❤

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It’s NOT okay to suffer in silence.

DON’T let anyone tell you that you could have it worse.

Your feelings ARE valid.

Your triggers are NOT pathetic.

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to ask for help.

You ARE worth it.

Life IS worth living.

Please please please don’t be afraid to ask for help. As always, my inbox is always for those of you who want to chat. Head over to the contact section of this blog and shoot me an e-mail. ❤

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Nobody Said It Will Be Easy.

Dear Journal,

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks so far this year. At the beginning of the week I had a bit of a problem at work. I have been extra agitated and it’s caused quite a bit of friction between the people that I work with.

I’ve been working on getting myself back into recovery. It’s not an easy concept for me to get my head around. Because even though a person might be in recovery, it doesn’t mean that that person won’t have bad/down days. As down days are a normal part of life. When can I start to class myself as in recovery? 

First, I would like to talk about self harm. I’m actually quite proud of myself, today is day 4 of not doing it. I know, 4 days doesn’t sound like that long. When I think back to last month when I was doing it about 3 times a day, to go from that to not doing it for 4 days, it’s quite an achievement! Yesterday and today have been extremely stressful days, both at work and at home. When I finished work yesterday I decided that I would go to the gym. It helped a great deal with my mood.

When I think about recovery. I think about the things I want to work on. The traits or behaviours that I want to change. It’s no secret that I don’t like (hate) myself. It’s certainly no secret that at times (even as recent as this week) I have simply just not wanted to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I don’t want to have those dark thoughts, where I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t want to be ashamed to be me.
I want to be okay with not watching what I eat.
I want to be okay with not planning every hour of my day.
I want to be okay with having time to just relax.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be someone people can rely on.
I want to inspire others.
I want hope.
I want love, happiness and success.
I want to believe in myself.

This week I have been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about my future and the direction in which I see my life going.

Part of me wants to move down to London and try and get a job within the media industry. Part of me wants to continue working here and go to university in September to study business management.

But then there is another part of me that just says “Hannah. No. You can’t do it.” Or, “You are not capable to do it.” But that is the voice I have to ignore. Recovery is not a straight line. There are ups and downs. There are tough days and there are good days. But as bad as the bad days get, things will always get better.

On Tuesday afternoon I really did feel like I had hit rock bottom, it felt as though things just couldn’t get any worse and that I wouldn’t ever feel ‘better’ again.

Recovery isn’t easy, but it is possible. I will be okay. I am capable. I am worthy of love. I can do this. My friends do like me. Depression doesn’t make me weak. I do believe in myself. I can succeed. I can learn to love myself. And things will be okay.

Today is just a bad day. Tomorrow, I’m sure will be better.

How has your week been? ❤

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