Nobody Said It Will Be Easy.

Dear Journal,

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks so far this year. At the beginning of the week I had a bit of a problem at work. I have been extra agitated and it’s caused quite a bit of friction between the people that I work with.

I’ve been working on getting myself back into recovery. It’s not an easy concept for me to get my head around. Because even though a person might be in recovery, it doesn’t mean that that person won’t have bad/down days. As down days are a normal part of life. When can I start to class myself as in recovery? 

First, I would like to talk about self harm. I’m actually quite proud of myself, today is day 4 of not doing it. I know, 4 days doesn’t sound like that long. When I think back to last month when I was doing it about 3 times a day, to go from that to not doing it for 4 days, it’s quite an achievement! Yesterday and today have been extremely stressful days, both at work and at home. When I finished work yesterday I decided that I would go to the gym. It helped a great deal with my mood.

When I think about recovery. I think about the things I want to work on. The traits or behaviours that I want to change. It’s no secret that I don’t like (hate) myself. It’s certainly no secret that at times (even as recent as this week) I have simply just not wanted to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I don’t want to have those dark thoughts, where I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t want to be ashamed to be me.
I want to be okay with not watching what I eat.
I want to be okay with not planning every hour of my day.
I want to be okay with having time to just relax.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be someone people can rely on.
I want to inspire others.
I want hope.
I want love, happiness and success.
I want to believe in myself.

This week I have been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about my future and the direction in which I see my life going.

Part of me wants to move down to London and try and get a job within the media industry. Part of me wants to continue working here and go to university in September to study business management.

But then there is another part of me that just says “Hannah. No. You can’t do it.” Or, “You are not capable to do it.” But that is the voice I have to ignore. Recovery is not a straight line. There are ups and downs. There are tough days and there are good days. But as bad as the bad days get, things will always get better.

On Tuesday afternoon I really did feel like I had hit rock bottom, it felt as though things just couldn’t get any worse and that I wouldn’t ever feel ‘better’ again.

Recovery isn’t easy, but it is possible. I will be okay. I am capable. I am worthy of love. I can do this. My friends do like me. Depression doesn’t make me weak. I do believe in myself. I can succeed. I can learn to love myself. And things will be okay.

Today is just a bad day. Tomorrow, I’m sure will be better.

How has your week been? ❤

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Where Have I Been…?

Dear Journal,

Where have I been? Good question!

I have been… busy. The truth is, things have been pretty bad for me. I’ve been very stressed. My moods have been so up and down. SH is at it’s all time worst. I have been and visited a psychiatrist for the first time a few weeks ago. (they aren’t as scary as my mind made them out to be)

We discussed a possible diagnosis which is currently BPD. (borderline personality disorder) He increased my medication. I’m currently taking 150mg of Venlafaxine. I’m not noticing a huge effect so far, but it’s only been a couple of weeks.

I’m also having nurse visits 3 times a week to monitor my medication, mood and food intake. It’s taking me a little bit of time to get used to it. But it’s much better than the alternative which is going into hospital as an impatient.

I’m currently planning a trip to London in a few weeks with my friend Josh. Check out his blog here: unitedasonevoice.co.uk

I’m currently working on some training books to work towards being a crew trainer at my store which is super positive.

Although things have been tough for the past couple of months. Things are looking more and more positive.

I have so many positive and great things ahead of me over the next 6 months. I have a lot of things to be focusing on.

Here are some things that are inspiring me to get up in the morning:

  • My friends
  • My Book
  • My family
  • My future job prospects
  • Possible return to education
  • Coffee
  • London trip
  • New York at Christmas

These are just some of the positive things I have in my life right now.

Every time I find myself doubting myself. I will look back at this post and remind myself that I have so many amazing people, and so many amazing things in my life. How could I possibly think about ending my life?

How is your week going? ❤

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Lies That Depression Tells Me.

  1. You are NOT good enough.
  2. You are too hard to love.
  3. No-one will ever love or accept you.
  4. You are ugly.
  5. You are fat.
  6. Everyone hates you.
  7. You will fail if you try.
  8. You are crazy.
  9. You are stupid.
  10. Everyone would be better off if you were not here.

Lets go back through that list and change those negatives into positives.

  1. You are MORE than good enough. If the people around you don’t believe that, then you don’t need those people in your life. 
  2. You deserve to be showered with love. In relationships (or friendships) find someone who doesn’t see your battle as a burden. Those people are out there. They will love you for you. 
  3. You WILL find someone out there to love you for you. I promise. When you find that person, never let them leave your life. No matter how many times you try and push them away, they will always come back telling you how much you mean to them. 
  4. You are far from ugly. You will probably never see the beauty in yourself that others seem to see. Take a good look in a mirror and start to list a couple of things that you don’t mind about yourself. Learn to appreciate the features that you have. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. 
  5. You are NOT fat. Everybody has a different shape. Diet and exercise plays a huge part too. You could be ‘fat’, but you know what? A person who has a funny, intelligent and witty personality is all that people will see. 
  6. You can’t please everyone. If someone doesn’t like you, then that’s their problem. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. 
  7. You may fail. But you will learn. Everything is a process. By ‘failing’ you are gaining more knowledge and experience which you can apply when you try again. Failing is essential to progressing. 
  8. Some of the best people in the word are ‘crazy’. Theres nothing wrong with being a little crazy. 
  9. You aren’t stupid. You are maybe just better at other things compared to the other people around you. Embrace the brains that you have. 🙂
  10. Everything about no. 10 is a lie. How would people be better off? I understand this feeling. I have felt it, it’s an overwhelming feeling. But, you need to make your mark on the world. You have your place. You have the power to inspire. You are incredibly strong. Depression has given you this. Use these feeling and knowledge to inspire others. Be the amazing person that I know you are. 

Thank you very much for reading.

My inbox is always open if anybody wants to talk. You are never alone. ❤

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P.S. What lies does depression tell you?

By Loving You, I Lost Myself.

Wow, okay. *Deep breaths*

A few weeks ago I made a decision that was very hard to make. Saying goodbye is never easy, it doesn’t matter if that person is your friend, your sister, your boyfriend, it doesn’t matter. It’s difficult all round.

When I lived in South Korea, I began a relationship with a Korean man. He was perfect, he was caring, attentive, handsome and he made me feel good about myself. I was really happy. He was everything I ever wanted.

He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. We were serious. I wanted to marry him. He was my everything. He was the first person I said ‘I love you’ to.

But then things changed. I felt like he withdrew from me. He was no longer that attentive boy that I fell in love with. We had countless amounts of arguments about how things were ‘my fault’ or about how I didn’t understand him. It hurt me because I was trying my best, but I stood there and took it.

I loved him. I thought that it was how relationships were supposed to be. I loved living in Korea, it was amazing. But towards the end, my anxiety and depression was that bad, I needed help. My head was not safe. I was ready to kill myself. This is not me being dramatic, I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to express just how bad I felt. There was one night in particular, I was feeling really down. I had left my job (due to MH) and they were threatening to sue me (immigration were also involved) and that day in particular I felt that everything was just getting on top of me.

I didn’t move all day. I just cried. Boyfriend was at work. It was the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He came home and we argued. I don’t remember exactly what it was about. To be fair I was upset and frustrated and when I’m in that type of mood, I just want a hug. I just want to feel safe. He just left me to cry, so I left. I was angry. I was angry at myself for feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take life anymore. I took my keys, my phone and my coat and I left. I had no intention of going back.

He kept calling. I didn’t want to speak to him. He had made me feel that way. He didn’t understand how I was feeling. He just thought I should ‘just get up and do something’. He lived a bit far from town, so I walked. I didn’t know where I was going to go. I didn’t care. I walked along the river. I considered so many ways in which I could ‘end it’.

But, I ended up at a bar. Some of the other foreign teachers were there. I didn’t care that I looked like a mess. I didn’t care that I was crying. I didn’t care what people might have thought. I needed to talk to someone. And that someone turned out to be one of my friends that died a little over a week ago. That night, he helped me so much. I am forever grateful.

I returned home much drunker than when I had left. Boyfriend was asleep. We worked on our problems for a couple of weeks before I was due to fly home. Before I left we decided that we would date long distance. I would seek help in the UK then fly back to Korea after about 6 months.

In November 2016 I returned to England. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I was depressed. I hated myself. I couldn’t eat and it was making me really sick. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. (so far) We dated long distance for a few months. It was difficult. I felt like had lost interest. I felt like we were having the same conversations. It was always small talk. He didn’t understand mental health, he said he did but considering he saw me at one of the lowest points in my life, he still treated me like I was making it all up. ‘Just eat this’, ‘go and exercise’, just ‘don’t always sit down’ are not the best things to tell someone who suffers from depression.

He didn’t make me feel wanted, or loved. He ignored me most of the time. He didn’t make me feel special. I felt like just another person. If I had a problem, he always had one worse.

So I broke it off. I made the decision that was best for me. It was a selfish decision but one that had to be made. I needed to be around family more than anything during that time. The week I flew home I started on antidepressants, and I attended emergency therapy. But he rarely asked how it was all going.

I spent so much of our relationship trying to understand him and make him happy. I was constantly trying to be the girlfriend that he wanted, I lost myself. I didn’t do anything for myself. I neglected to look after and appreciate the person that I was. I took myself for granted. And he broke my heart. 

I’m healing, slowly. I learning to trust. It’s not easy I tell you that. My confidence is really low right now. When someone gives me a compliment, I convince myself instantly that they don’t mean it, and that they are just being polite.

I want to be with someone who I can laugh with, who I can love and who I can support. I want to be with someone who will fight for me and who won’t take me for granted and assume that I will always be there. I want to be with someone I can build a future with. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. 

Is that too much to ask for?

I will end on this quote as I feel that it’s more true now than it’s ever been. “Be thankful for the wrong relationships. They teach you, change you, strengthen you and prepare you for the right one.”

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I Will Miss You.

Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk about something that is very… tragic and unexpected. Death has always been something that scares me, I guess it’s the same for a lot of people. I mean, it’s a very morbid and scary thing to think about.

Death puts life into prospective. It makes us realise just how short our lives really are. It makes us understand that we should appreciate the people and the things that we have in our lives. We don’t live forever and we should love and appreciate the things we have now before it’s too late.

Yesterday afternoon I received a text from one my friends in South Korea. I used to live in a small countryside town and there was a group of foreign teachers who used to get together from time to time.

She texted me saying that one of our friends had died. She had to be joking I told myself. But why would she joke about that? My heart sunk. I just didn’t understand, I still don’t understand. He was one of the people I said goodbye to before I left Korea. We were drinking at the usual bar the last time I saw him. Before I left he told me about his plans to continue traveling and he suggested a long list of places I should visit. He hugged me and told me to ‘do what makes me happy’ as after all, this is my life. 

But now, he’s gone. 

I send my deepest condolences to his family and friends. Jake was an incredible person. He was always so cool and calm. He made me laugh. I loved listening to his stories about traveling. I always hoped I could be as carefree as him.

Maybe someday, I will get to visit all of those places he suggested.

Jake, I will truly miss you. ❤

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I’m Back.

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Hello hello. I’m back. Missed me?

How was your weekend?

Mine was, relaxing to say the least. I got so much reading done. I started reading a new book called Everything Everything. It’s about a girl who can’t leave the house as she will get sick. A new family moved in next door and their teenage son is relentless in finding a way to get to know her. 

Its a very sweet book. I’m halfway through already. I spent some time with my family which was great. I took my cousins child swimming yesterday, it was his first time.

Today I’ve hit the ground running. I’m glad to be back into my normal routine. I got up fairly early. I headed straight to the gym. This afternoon I’ve just been focused on getting some writing done. Recently, I’ve been having a lot of inspiration for my book. So I’ve been getting a lot of writing done for that.

I’ve got a day off work tomorrow. I’ve got a lot of appointments to get through. It’s going to be a busy day, but exciting nonetheless.

I hope you have a fantastic week. ❤

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A Full Detox.

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Dear Journal,

This week I feel like I’m really struggling, and it’s only Tuesday! I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed and I’m letting stuff get on top of me. I’m behind on my upload schedule for this blog and it’s starting to really stress me out.

Today is my second day off work. I’m glad to be heading back to work tomorrow morning. I look forward to having more of a structured routine.

For the past few weeks I’ve had a lot on my mind. Some of which I’ve written about on here, and some that I’ve kept to myself. I plan on sharing the other stuff very soon, I’m just not ready to write about it yet. 

I’m going to need to take a break for a while. I need to take some time to focus on myself away from the internet and social media. I find that social media often enhances my insecurities and brings my mood down. Right now I’m not in the right place to be on social media. I’m doing well, I just need time to build my self-confidence and prove to myself that I’ve got this.

I will be disconnecting myself from the internet until next Monday morning. I will be having a full cyber detox and hopefully I will feel a lot better after doing so.

If I don’t message you back, don’t panic. I’m alive. 

I plan on working on some blog posts. I’m going to get some reading done. I’ve got a lot of appointments this week. I’ve got work. And of course, the gym.

Love you all lots and lots. See you on Monday. ❤

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Post Trip Feelings.

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Dear Journal,

Today I want to talk to you about my weekend away. Last weekend I went away with my family. As soon as I left work on Friday afternoon I headed straight home and got ready to start the weekend.

I was especially excited to go away. I felt that it would be a great opportunity to recharge. And I was not wrong. The weekend was great. I had a fantastic time!

I didn’t schedule my time. I didn’t get stressed about not planning my day. I didn’t set any alarms. I spent my time writing new blog posts and reading. It was the most relaxing weekend ever!

I’m glad that I went and not having the internet for the entire time was refreshing too. I mean, I love the internet, but I think sometimes I just need time away from it all. I was back at work today but I was feeling incredibly relaxed and I’ve had a fantastic day.

I find it especially hard to just switch off and relax without getting really anxious about the possibility of ‘wasting valuable time’… but this weekend. I did it! I ACTUALLY DID IT. I’m so proud of myself. I finally feeling like I’m making so much progress with bettering myself into the person I want to be.

I hope you had a fantastic weekend too! ❤

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Things I’m Loving This February.

It’s that time of month again. It’s time to discuss some of the things I’ve been loving this February.

Admittedly I don’t have as many things to include in this months list. I didn’t want to repeat some of the things that I had included in my previous favourite posts.

I’m not usually a big fan of tic tac’s. I was in the convenience shop earlier this month I came across these and I had to try them.

They are lovely and so refreshing!

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Now I set myself a little bit of a reading challenge this year. I feel like I’m doing so well so far. I’m really pleased with myself. This month I came across these two books. Let me tell you now, they are the most influential books I’ve ever read. I had heard of The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck a couple of months ago and hadn’t had the time to purchase it and give it a read. I’m about halfway through it and I’m just amazed by the content. Seriously, they’re both worth a read.

I wrote a little about Reasons To Stay Alive here. 

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I’m in love with the scent of this shower gel. It was so cheap too, I think I bought it for £1 from Superdrug. I will definitely be repurchasing this!

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I’ve been really into getting baths this month. I’ve found them incredibly relaxing. I’ve found it’s been that much more relaxing with a candle a face mask and a good book.  So this is my favourite candle at the minute. I bought it because of ‘H’ of course! :p

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So that’s it for my February favourites. ❤

What have you been loving this February? 

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Check out my January favourites.